Part 34 (1/2)

'To the dungeon.' Terence made an evil face. 'The deep, dark dungeon.'

'But first to the torture chamber,' said one of the big green thingies. 'This is the sod who stuck his sword up my brother Colin's a.r.s.e a couple of nights back on Kew Bridge.'

The Gandhis were still rocking. They hadn't stopped.

The control box was soundproof, that's all. Arthur Kobold led b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, Cornelius, Tuppe and Anna away from it. They skirted around the hired heavies and were soon at the secret entrance in the gorse bush.

'OK,' said Anna, prodding Arthur Kobold with the big pistol, 'lead the way.

'Guys,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.

'Yes,' said the guys.

'Guys, I think I'll pa.s.s this one up, if you don't mind.'

'Bottle gone?' Tuppe asked.

'Yes actually. I'm not into guns and stuff like that. But listen, I did my bit, didn't I? I was in your epic.'

'You certainly were.' Cornelius grinned. 'Enjoy the band. We'll get back to you later.'

'Good luck then, guys.

'Good luck, b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.' The tall boy shook him warmly by the hand. 'And thanks for everything.'

'Be lucky,' said Tuppe.

'You too.'

Arthur Kobold led the way down the flight of stone steps. 'This isn't going to get you anywhere,' he told Cornelius.

'Just move on. We'll see where it gets us.' The steps went down and down, the way some of them do. Those that aren't going up and up. Although these could possibly be the same steps. It just depends whether you're going up or down.

Arthur Kobold's party were going down.

Inspectre Hovis was going down and the big green thingy, with the brother called Colin, kept kicking him as he did so.

'Is that your own cab?' the other big green thingy asked Terence.

'I lease it. It's the best way. The fares from the first day of the week pay the rental. From then on all the money goes into me own pocket.'

'Takings any good at this time of year?'

'Fair to middling. Lot of regulars on holiday.''But a lot of people take their holidays in Lon-don.'

'Oh yeah, you get the theatre trade and airport runs. But a lot of people come on guided tours and the Underground does good deals.'

'You wouldn't recommend cabbing as a profession, then?'

'It has its perks and you are your own man.'

'Never thought of going out on your own? Mini-cab or something?'

'Too much ha.s.sle. You thinking of taking up the trade, then?'

'Maybe. I've got some bonus owing to me. And there has to be more to life than just being a big green thingy. I thought I might buy a limo. Do weddings and stuff.'

Twenty-three thousand pairs of feet were now doing 'Hi Ho Silver Lining' right above the head of the Secret King of the World.

The far from jolly red-faced man poured a large libation of some alcoholic beverage into a mighty goblet and emptied this down his throat.

'Kobold!' roared the king. 'Stop that d.a.m.n row. Kobold, where are you?'

Arthur stuck his head around the great door and smiled painfully.

'I'm here, sire,' he said.

And Cornelius Murphy stared above the shoulder of Arthur Kobold. And verily did he behold the hall of the hidden king.

'Holy sh...' The tall boy took a step backwards. The mind-boggling magnitude of the scene that lay I before was a little bit much to come to terms with.

The sheer scale of the thing. Its solidity. Its grandeur.

The fact that it was right here. Under Star Hill.

This was Castle Gormenghast. Or the hall of King Arthur. Or something.

Tuppe peeped from behind the tall boy's left knee. 'I see that,' he whispered. 'You do see that also, don't you? It's not just me?'

'It's not just you. I see it.'

'And do you see him?'

Tuppe's right forefinger made wavery little point-ings towards he that sat upon the throne. The big he. The he with the huge white beard and the huge red outfit, with the ermine tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs. And that belt of his and those heroic black boots. That he. That he there.

Cornelius saw him. 'I see him,' he said.

And Anna saw him also. And she was somewhat stuck for words. No doubt this would not last for very long, and some would soon return to her. Words like 'suck' and 'sad'. But not just at this moment.

'Kobold,' said the king. Quite loudly. Very loudly. 'Kobold! What are you doing about that noise?'

Anna gave Mr Kobold a kick in the backside. Arthur entered the court of the king at a greater speed than he might reasonably have preferred and fell in an untidy heap.

'Why exactly did you do that?' asked the king. 'Er,' said Arthur, climbing to his feet, dusting himself down and slipping off his shoes. 'We have guests.'

'Guests? Guests? I didn't invite any guests.'

'They sort of invited themselves, sire.'