Part 22 (1/2)

'That's not what I ... Oh, forget it.' Cornelius grinned. 'It's good here, isn't it?'

'Splendid.' Bone pa.s.sed the cider flagon round.

'Pity Rosie's not here.' Tuppe took a big sip and pa.s.sed it on to the tall boy.

'Tell me, Bone,' said Cornelius, 'what do you think about corn circles?'

'I love 'em. This one's a Thoroughgood, isn't it? Big centre, plenty of room for the art lovers to mill about. But I reckon it's a right st.i.tch-up, the artists only getting ten per cent of the take. Don't you?'

'Outrageous.' Cornelius took a great big swig of cider. 'Outrageous.'

Inspectre Hovis sat alone in his garret. He was reading a copy of The Book of Ultimate Truths and he was making copious notes. Again and again he referred to the big fat file on Hugo Rune. And again and again he made notes. Occasionally he delved into certain books of occult lore, which had been in his family for twenty-three generations. And then he made more notes.

Once in a while he drank from a Thermos flask containing iced ether, and having so done he uttered things such as 'I feel that I am nearing a solution' or 'The Crime of the Century right in the bag' and sometimes 'I am a little grey Bakelite tram and my name is Barnacle Bill'.

And every so often he fell off his chair and struck the floor with a bang. And when he did this, the lady who lived downstairs whacked her ceiling with a broom handle and threatened to call the police.

'Enjoying the cake?' asked the king.

Arthur Kobold was up to his elbows in it. 'Very much,' he said with his mouth full.

They were seated in great big ornate chairs at the great big banquet table in the king's great big hail.

The king was drunk.

'We don't get out as much as we used to,' he said. 'Not as much?' Arthur wiped his mouth on his sleeve. 'Not at all, in fact.'

The king poured something potent into Arthur's gla.s.s. 'And we don't laugh any more. Know what I mean?'

Arthur pushed more cake into his mouth. 'You're drunk,' said he.

The king looked crookedly at the generous array of unbunged barrels. 'I hardly touch the stuff.

You're the one who's drunk, Arthur.'

'I have every excuse to be drunk. Pressures of work. You only work once a year, or, you're supposed to. You don't even do that any more.

'Would you want to work on your birthday?'

'I wouldn't mind if I had the rest of the year off, like you do.'

'Kings are not supposed to work. Especially on their birthdays. Kings delegate, that's what kings do.'

'If you let me delegate a bit, we could get out once in a while.''Where's my friend Hugo?' asked the king. 'Gone,' said Arthur. 'We went through all that last night.

Remember all the fuss about...' Arthur paused and studied the king's blank expression. He didn't remember. About his favourite car getting stolen and Rune escaping and the other cars getting blown up and the special birthday spell getting broken.

'Well?' said the king.

'Nothing,' said Arthur.

'Hugo and I used to go out together and have big laughs.'

'That was nearly twenty years ago, before you and he fell out.'

'Did we fall out, Arthur? Did we?'

'You did. A little matter of him getting your daughter pregnant, in the hope that you'd make him marry 'her and he could then become Prince Hugo the First of Fairyland.'

'Cad!' said the king. 'And did he marry her?' Arthur shook his head. 'Your daughter refused. But she had the child. The weird one. The deviant. Called himself the Campbell and ran away to become a Scotsman. Then tried to get back here and a.s.sa.s.sinate you.

'Cad! Whatever happened to him, do you think?'

'We blew him up. With The Train of Tris-megistus.'

'My poor dear grandchild.' The king put his face in his hands and wept tears of ale.

'You told me to do it. You called it being ”firm but fair”. You hated him.'

'I did not.'

'You did too.'

'Well, he was half human, and the only thing I hate more than a half-human is a whole human. Have some more cake, Arthur, do.'

'Thanks.' Arthur Kobold carved himself another slice.

'So,' said the king. 'At least you're here. I can rely on you.

'You can rely on me,' said Arthur cakely.

'That's good,' said the king. 'That's very good.'

'Good cake.'

'Good cake and good company and I can rely on my good friend Arthur.'

'You certainly can.'

'I can rely on him to get back my favourite car, make good all the damage done to the other four, fix my special birthday spell that he broke and bring in Hugo Rune before he wreaks chaos on the lot of us.

More cake?'

Arthur was choking on the piece he already had. 'Not for me,' he spluttered.

'Not for me, what?'