Part 12 (2/2)

'I'll be right behind you.' Anna gestured with the drill. 'One dodgy move and it's the steel suppository for you.'

'No dodgy moves. I swear.'

'Right then. Cornelius, untie his hands.'

'Certainly.' Cornelius loosened the ropes. 'There now,' he said. 'Do your thing.'

'Hm.' Arthur pressed his fingers to his temples and began to rock gently on his heels. And then he uttered the magic words. They appeared to be the standard bogus-latin gobbledegook that you get in the movies. But, then, this wasn't the movies. This was real life. Oh yes.

There was a crash, a bang, a wallop and the sound of water going the wrong way down the plughole. And then.

Cornelius felt the breeze on his face. And a million smells rushed into his nostrils. He opened his eyes, because evidently he must have closed them, and he saw that the world was right once more.

Well, almost right. Anna was there. And Tuppe was there.

But Mr Kobold wasn't there. And neither were the ocarina, the route map or Rune's annotated A-Z.

11.

'Have at you, varlet!' The hands of Hovis drove down the steel, thrice blessed. Right up to the pommel in the big green beast's backside.

The creature spat reefer, mingled with profanity, and screamed. Inspectre Hovis turned his blade.

'You have my diamonds, I believe,' said he, administering another vicious twist.

'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' went the creature.

And then, BANG!

It was a particularly messy kind of a BANG! Inspectre Hovis was showered with odorous ooze. He toppled backwards as the fetor engulfed him.

When he was able to rise, which he did to the accompaniment of much coughing, spluttering and gagging generally, he became aware of two things. The creature had gone. But so too had the diamonds.

'It would seem that we have egg on our faces,' said Cornelius Murphy.

'And jam.' Tuppe licked his lips. 'Strawberry jam.'

'The b.a.s.t.a.r.d!' Anna threw her hands in the air. 'Look at me. Look at me.'

Now, a tall, seventeen-year-old woman can look good in most things. Dressed even in a plastic bin-liner, she can seem like heaven. But carrying off that covered-in-banana-custard-from-head-to-toe look, that's asking a lot. And certainly more than Anna Gotting was prepared to be asked.

'Look at my T-s.h.i.+rt! That was signed by the lead singer! Look at my hair! Oh my G.o.d!' She turned upon Cornelius with the fury that h.e.l.l hath none of. 'This is all your fault, you b.l.o.o.d.y clown!'

'My fault?' Cornelius wiped egg from his face. 'I don't think that's altogether fair.'

'Fair? Fair?' Anna made claws. Bright yellow ones. 'Well,' said Cornelius, 'I was for pressing the bell-b.u.t.ton. I was quite prepared to overlook the obvious fact that we were defying the laws of motion.

At least until I'd got to meet Hugo Rune. I would have broached the subject then, of course.

'What? What?' Anna plucked at her T-s.h.i.+rt.

'Er, excuse me..' Tuppe raised his hand once more. 'Perhaps we might push the bell-b.u.t.ton now. I mean, if Hugo Rune is in there, maybe he'd let us use his bathroom.'

'You press it.' Anna's voice rose to perilous heights. 'Push the bell, bang the b.l.o.o.d.y knocker. Do what you d.a.m.n well please. But I've had enough. You can stick your Forbidden Zones. Stick your fairies. Stick their magic spells. Stick Hugo Rune and his wonderful water car, which you lost! Stick it all and stick yourselves. You are a fool, Cornelius. And you, Tuppe, you re quite unspeakable.'

'Does this mean that s.e.xual intercourse is out, then?' the small fellow enquired. 'Ouch!' he continued, as a sticky yellow fist caught him squarely in the face.

'And stick your stupid old jokes. I'm finished. Goodbye.' And with that she turned about and stormed away across Kew Green. Not quite as pretty as a picture.

The two lads watched her go.

'You might have handled that a mite better,' said Cornelius, when she was finally out of sight.

Tuppe rubbed his chin. 'Good riddance,' said he.

'Good riddance? What do you mean?'

'Well.' Tuppe's tiny face puckered and his bottom lip got a definite quiver on. 'She spoiled things, Cornelius. It was much better when it was just the two of us. The Epic Duo, eh?'

'But we weren't very epic. We've lost everything this time.'

Tuppe began to blubber. 'You'll figure it out, I know you will. And we always get girls along the way. You don't need her hanging around all the time.'

'She did come up with some rather good ideas.'

'You come up with ideas all the time.' Tuppe sniffled and snuffled. Cornelius offered him the use of his hankie, a nice oversized red gingham one.

'Have a blow.'

'Thanks.' Tuppe made great foghorn noises into the handkerchief.

'I'm sorry,' he said.'It's OK. We'll get by.'

'Of course we will. You and me, eh?'

'You and me.

Tuppe made another mighty blow into the hand-kerchief before offering it hack. 'Thanks.'

Cornelius considered the sodden germ-carrier. 'Keep it,' he said. 'A present.'

'Thanks very much.' Tuppe stuffed the thing down the front of his dungarees. 'So what do we do now?' he asked with considerable bright and breeziness. 'Ring the bell? See if your real daddy is at home to callers?'

'No. I don't think so. It occurs to me now that the name Thoth rings a bit of a bell itself. As in the Egyptian G.o.d Thoth.'

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