Part 1 (1/2)
RAIDERS OF THE LOST CAR PARK.
Robert Rankin.
AS IF YOU HADN'T GUESSED.
We are not being told all of the truth.
There are truths. And there are Truths. And then there are ULTIMATE TRUTHS.
Allow me to explain.
If you have ever attempted, in the spirit of scientific discovery, to glue a rectangular map of the world onto a sphere of the same scale, you will soon have realized that it cannot be done. There is simply too much map.
Now, why should this be?
Well, the greybeards of The Royal Geographic will spin you a lot of jargon about 'orth.o.m.orphic map representations' and 'parallels and meridians' and 'scale being exaggerated in increasing proportion to the lessening proximity with the equator'.
But then, they would say that, wouldn't they?
That would be what they call a truth.
But it's not a Truth. And it's certainly not an ULTIMATE TRUTH.
The Truth of the matter is that the map can be made to fit. All you have to do is increase the size of your sphere by one third.
The ULTIMATE TRUTH is, that the entire planet is really a great deal larger than we have been led to believe. And a considerable amount of it still remains uncharted.
At least by the human population, that is!
Allow me to explain.
There exists, right here, in our very midst, a race of evil beings that secretly manipulate mankind.
They plunder its wealth, screw up its progress and nick its Biros. In short, they control the world as we know it.
This dark, malignant and altogether bad-a.s.sed bunch have, throughout history, infiltrated every level of our society. They lurk, unseen, unsuspected and seemingly unstoppable. Growing ever in number, bent upon the ultimate downfall of the human race and ruled over by a merciless tyrant, known to his minions as the Hidden King of the World, and his gofer, Arthur Kobold.
Their pest holes are everywhere; hundreds across London alone. Each stacked high with a boundless fortune in stolen booty. But you won't find the locations on any atlas or street directory. They are well concealed.
Because these vile beings inhabit all those bits and pieces you had to snip off your rectangular map of the world to make it fit onto the sphere.
They inhabit the FORBIDDEN ZONES.
And that is an ULTIMATE TRUTH!
The discoverer of this ULTIMATE TRUTH, and of many more besides, was a most remarkable man. His name was Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune.
He was a mystic, magus and master of the arts magickal. Poet, painter and prophet. Guru to gurus and best-dressed man, of 1933.
Hardly anyone remembers him today.
When at the height of his celebrity, between the wars, Rune was lionized by high society and held the ear of princes and popes. He could be found dancing the night away with Greta Garbo. Fly-fis.h.i.+ng with Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Sharing a joke with Haile Sela.s.sie, or leading the conga line at a Buck House garden party.
But for all this, Rune was ever a man with a mission.
Having discovered the existence of the FOR-BIDDEN ZONES, he set out to enter them, to expose the truth about the beings that dwell within, to liberate the plundered wealth of ages, to free mankind from its secret oppressor and would-be destroyer, and to raise upon high his banner ofULTIMATE TRUTH.
But he did not succeed.
Although, with the aid of his acolyte Rizla, a compa.s.s and a tape measure, Rune plotted the location of every FORBIDDEN ZONE in London; and even formulated a means of breaking into them by playing certain 'restricted' notes on a reinvented ocarina, he did not succeed.
On a dark and stormy night some eighteen years ago, Rune and Rizla set forth upon a heroic mission. Fearlessly they penetrated to the very heart of the FORBIDDEN ZONES, there to beard the evil lion in his den. To confront The Hidden King of the World.
Exactly what happened on that fateful night may never be known. Rizla escaped, a broken man.
Hugo Rune was never seen again.
INTRODUCTION.
Cornelius Murphy is the Stuff of Epics.
He is seventeen years of age, a tall boy with big hair, a quick wit and an astonis.h.i.+ng sense of smell.
He is also the illegitimate son of Hugo Rune.
Cornelius has just returned from an epic adventure. He was employed by a certain Mr Arthur Kobold, to seek out certain missing chapters from a certain missing book.
The Book of Ultimate Truths. Penned by a certain Hugo Rune.
During the course of his epic adventure, Cornelius, accompanied by his best friend Tuppe (who is also the Stuff of Epics, although to a somewhat lesser degree), and travelling in a suitably epic nineteen -fifties Cadillac Eldorado, discovered his true parentage.
He also learned of the existence of the Forbidden Zones and that Rune is still alive and kicking, held captive inside one of the Zones by the stinkers that dwell within.
Being an epic adventure it was naturally fraught with peril and Cornelius found himself risking life and limb on numerous occasions. As might well be imagined, the Hidden King of the World, deter-mined to destroy any threat to the security of his secret kingdoms, was prepared to go to any length to prevent the tall boy pa.s.sing on what he had learned.
As well as being fraught with peril, the epic adventure was not without complications. There was a Scotsman, the Campbell, who was not really a Scotsman at all, but a malevolent chimera. Part man, part something-else-entirely. And there was a train, THE TRAIN OF TRISMEGISTUS, which wasn't really a train at all, but a Satanic-style agency of despatch, unleashed by The Hidden King of the World.
Cornelius did not return from his epic adventure altogether unscathed. He lost a good deal of his big hair in a life-and-death struggle with the Campbell. Had his Cadillac Eldorado mashed to pieces by falling masonry. And was tricked out of Rune's missing chapters by Mr Arthur Kobold, writer of dud cheques, eater of cake and evil cat's-paw of The Hidden King.
But if you are the Stuff of Epics, then you just have to take this sort of thing in your stride. And if, like Cornelius, you find yourself at the end of it all in possession of Rune's annotated A-Z and the plans for his reinvented ocarina, then the way ahead is clear.
You must enter the Forbidden Zones.
You must free your father.