Part 7 (1/2)
Very slowly, Riker nodded. ”There is something to be said for that,” he admitted.
Geordi was almost surprised at his own perspicacity. ”There is?”
”It's just...” He rapped his knuckles on the tabletop thoughtfully. ”I've had some tough sc.r.a.pes before, Geordi. Some nasty bang-ups. But I've never had a s.h.i.+p go bust out from under me as the Enterprise did. Never had a landing quite like that one. I kept waiting for Captain Picard to say, 'I give you the s.h.i.+p for five minutes and look what happens!' Fortunately he didn't.”
”Or at least he was polite enough not to say it,” Geordi said helpfully.
”Not a problem. I would have blamed it on Deanna's steering.” The offhand, wry comment provided some tension-relieving laughter, but only for a moment, and Riker wound up not looking any less apprehensive than he had before. ”The Enterprise was more than my home, Geordi, and certainly more than simply where I went to work every day. It was a symbol not only of past adventures that we've all had together, but a symbol of times to come. Of stability. Earlier today I told Captain Picard that I'd always hoped to have a shot at the command chair. That s.h.i.+p was my living promise of the future.
Not alive as an object, of course, but I'd imbued it with all my hopes and dreams and aspirations, something I didn't even quite realize until after she was gone. And now”-and he snapped his fingers so sharply that it sounded like a ricochet- ”no promise. No future. No s.h.i.+p. The loss of the s.h.i.+p drove home for me just how transitory everything is.” He swirled the liquid in his gla.s.s and stared idly at it. ”And here I've been acting as if a future for Deanna and myself was something I could always get back to whenever I felt like it. I thought that the Enterprise would be forever, but obviously she wasn't. On Betazed I thought Deanna and I would be forever, but it didn't work out for a number of reasons. I've just begun rea.s.sessing my priorities, that's all.”
”And are you going to do anything about it?”
He glanced in the direction of Deanna and Worf. ”I don't think it's my place to,” he said quietly.
”If not yours, then whose?”
”Perhaps no one's, Geordi,” he said levelly. ”I had my chance. More chances than any reasonable supreme being would willingly allow. People have met, married, and had children in the time that I've been playing Hamlet in regards to my feelings for Deanna.”
”To be or not to be.”
”That is the question.” He laughed low in his throat. ”Funny. All of my training in Starfleet had been to make decisions, and I can do it. Do it in a heartbeat. When the captain had been taken over by the Borg, transformed into Locutus, and he threatened the well-being of the Enterprise, I ordered that he be fired upon without a second thought. Snap judgment, the kind I'd been trained for, for years. No hesitation, no doubt. But when it comes to my personal life-and one woman, in particular ...” He shrugged.
”Believe me, Commander, I know exactly how you feel. My track record with the opposite s.e.x isn't exactly something to write home about So I'm not the best person to be giving advice to anyone when it comes to that. Still, if you're comparing your respective decision-making abilities, there's one thing that occurs to me.”
”And that would be ... ?”
”Well...” Geordi s.h.i.+fted in his chair. ”We were discussing earlier the measures we took to try and save the Enterprise from cras.h.i.+ng and burning. Me, I'm satisfied that I did everything I could. I'll face any Starfleet board of inquiry with confidence, because that's what I truly believe. I'm fairly certain that you don't believe that you did everything you could, and knowing you-no offense-but you'll probably get up there and willingly take responsibility for the entire thing. I have no doubt, though, that eventually you'll be cleared, even over your own protests. Would you call that a fair a.s.sessment of the situation?”
”A tad cynical, but fair,” Riker admitted.
”Okay. But let's say there was another board of inquiry. A board that investigated 'affairs of the heart,' for lack of a better phrase. If they put you in the hot seat and said, 'Riker, have you done everything you could about your relations.h.i.+p with Deanna Troi-truly explored every option, even completely admitted to yourself the depths of your feelings for her'-what would you say to them? Would your conscience be clear? And if it wasn't, do you think that they'd clear you in this instance, or would it be a much closer call?”
Riker began to tap a finger, just one, on the tabletop. He was doing it rapidly and then it began to slow as his thoughts appeared to coalesce.
”I see your point,” he said after what seemed an eternity.
”Good.”
”But the question becomes, am I just going to see it? Or am I actually going to do something about it?”
”That, Commander, I couldn't begin to tell you,” La Forge replied. ”I'm not running around inside your head, and frankly, I can see a whole lot of things ... but even my VISOR doesn't let me see the future.”
Riker took his gla.s.s of synthehol and tossed back half of it, as if steeling himself. ”I am very likely,” he said slowly, ”about to make a bigger idiot of myself than I have in my entire career.”
”You're going to talk to her.”
”I'm going to talk to her, yes. And if this doesn't work out, or if I look like a complete fool, then at least I know who to blame it on.”
”Me?”
”Precisely.” But Riker was grinning widely, and it seemed to La Forge as if, suddenly, Riker had had a weight lifted from him. He was about to take action after ages of vacillation. He would no longer be Hamlet when it came to his personal life. Instead he would be a man of action, seizing the moment. ”Because you know what, Geordi? Maybe the Enterprise did wind up going down in flames. But, dammit, she fought the good fight and she's got nothing to be ashamed of. If I never get to command her, the least I can do is live up to her example.”
”That's the att.i.tude to have, sir,” Geordi said encouragingly.
”I'm going to go over there... I'm going to ask Mr. Worf to excuse us ... and then Deanna and I are going to have a little talk. Actually, probably a big talk.”
”Be kind to Worf, Commander. He's the innocent bystander in all this.”
”Yes, he is,” Riker said regretfully. ”He had the courage to speak his mind and make his move while I just stood on the sidelines and let it happen. Still... he'll understand. At least I hope he will. Wish me luck, Geordi.”
”Luck, Commander.”
Riker began to rise from his seat, and that was when he heard a bang on the table from the direction of Deanna and Worf.
”Yes!” Worf crowed. ”She said yes! We are engaged!”
Riker froze in midelevation. It was as if his entire universe had suddenly telescoped down to those few seconds. He had his drink still firmly in his hand. He felt Geordi's level gaze upon him, glanced from the corner of his eye, and saw the stricken expression on Geordi's face.
But his attention was truly on Worf and Troi, and then Worf caught his eye. Judging by the surprised look on Worf s face, the Klingon hadn't known he was there all this time.
Worf was perpetually one of the most confident of beings, but at that moment, Worf s eternal self-certainty suddenly appeared in jeopardy. Had he seen something in Riker's demeanor that betrayed his feelings? Had he known why it was that Riker was getting up from the table?
Sensing Worf s discomfiture, Deanna turned in her seat to see where he was looking, and her gaze locked with Riker's. It was as if they were looking at each other over a vast expanse of years. All of it... all of the potential emotion and con* frontation ... hung there for no more than a second or two. And then, as if it were all intended as one smooth motion, Riker fully rose to standing and raised his gla.s.s. His face split into a grin even as his heart split in half. ”Let me be the first,” he called out in a rock-steady voice, ”to raise a toast to the happy couple and wish you congratulations!”
”Congratulations!” echoed the rest of the populace of the Farragut lounge. Shouts of ”Hear, hear” and ”To the happy couple” rebounded throughout the lounge.
Geordi felt that Riker's mental discipline was amazing. At that moment his mind might have been in a complete turmoil, and had that been the case, Deanna Troi would have known immediately. Geordi was positive of that, which meant that Riker was covering everything that was going through his mind, forcing instead only positive emotions to rise to the surface like cream. He smiled again, raised his gla.s.s once more, and then slowly lowered himself back down to his seat while Worf and Troi accepted the congratulations of everyone else sitting nearby.
Riker saw Geordi's stricken expression but simply shrugged as if it was all meaningless in the final a.n.a.lysis. ”My fault,” he said lightly. ”I told you to wish me luck. I forgot to specify what kind.”
”Commander...” Geordi didn't know what to say. He felt awful, even culpable, as if he'd helped to set Riker up for a fall.
As if sensing what Geordi was thinking, Riker waved it off dismissively. ”Don't you worry about it, Geordi. When you play Hamlet long enough, sooner or later someone who is willing to make the decision is going to get the girL”
”Didn't the girl die in Hamlet?”
”It was Shakespearean tragedy. Naturally everyone died. People only lived if it was a comedy. He wasn't much for blending comedy with drama. He was more of an all-or-nothing kind of guy. I can sympathize, I suppose. Be willing to give your all... or wind up with nothing.”
Suddenly he looked as if the sounds of congratulations in the background were a bit much for him. He rose from the table once more, keeping his back carefully to Worf and Troi. ”If you'll excuse me, Geordi...”
Still feeling guilty, Geordi asked, ”You want company, Commander?”
”No, thank you, Geordi. I think I'll be turning in for the night.”
”For the night? Commander, it's not even twenty hundred hours. Look ... maybe we can swing by the holodeck ...”