12 Sarah (1/2)

I could not understand the place I was in, what I experienced and still am, it all seemed so absurd, even the mark on my wrist was unreal to me. Sometimes, even if for a limited amount of time, I thought what I was seeing must have been a dream.

I closed my eyes and once I opened them I had the same life of months ago. I rediscovered what at the time I used to think was merely normal, such as my mother vacuuming my room on a hot summer morning, even though she was aware of the disapproval I had for such an appliance and we would end up arguing, since I did not want to hear the hustle and be disturbed while I tried to rest, especially during my holidays. But then I realised what just happened was only a memory, and while I re-opened my eyes, this time for real, I found myself in a world which did not belong to me.

”Sarah? Earth to Sarah!” Mitsuko shouted.

”I can hear you! What is the matter?” I asked.

”It's been more than an hour and you're constantly playing with your food and staring at the wall. Don't tell me you forgot we need to go to the Ehiern?”

”Where should we go?”

”The king is coming today, and you have not even put on your uniform.”

”I don't particularly like uniforms.”

”You can choose skirts or shorts.”

”This is a nightmare.”

”You'll love it.”

”When is the king coming?” I asked.

”In an hour he will be here, and you mustn't be late,” Mitsuko replied.

”Then, I might not go.”

”You can't,” Nathan said.

”I don't know anything about this king you're talking to me about. I need space and time to assimilate everything, and since I have been here, I didn't have neither of them.”

”Look at me Sar, we're here, I'm always next to you. I promise you, it will all pass sooner or later,” Robert said.

I left quickly, I knew he wanted to make me feel better, but how could he know for sure if it would all disappear? It would not go away in a day or a month, each little detail of events changed in a blink of an eye and sooner or later I would have surely crashed at the speed in which my mind was trying to figure out what was happening around me.

Nonetheless, what he told me could have been an accurate truth, I should have made this day go by as usual, and perhaps, one day it would all be finally over, right?

***

Even my room made me feel as if I was locked up, every detail my eyes saw, such as a photo, or an object which could have been irrelevant, gave me the constant thought of a life which was thrown at me, at the cost of the one which I once had.

I approached the oval mirror near my desk, but I could not see myself in it, physically yes, I was always the same as before, but inside I could feel I was fading. It was in these moments I needed her, my mom would have been here listening to my doubts, she would have told me to keep my head high, how every one of us has a destiny in this world. Though, if I could choose, she would be by my side taking care of me when I would finally break in a thousand small pieces.

I had countless people around me, then why did I feel so lonely? It was not as if I did not appreciate loneliness, I welcomed it most of the time, but as I sensed the tears flowing down my cheeks, I realised every day how much death left a hole in me. I was certain it was not coming but instead it painfully injured me.

While I recalled her voice, her smell, it profoundly agonized me, as I was unable to breathe. I frequently imagined her face standing beside me when my feet would be weary to walk any longer, my voice would not emit any sound, or I felt as if I would slowly perish. Those same memories which hurt me prior to this moment would be the only ones to help me go forward, and deep down I knew how selfish I was for not letting her go completely.

I saw myself with this uniform and I did not recognise any changes other than my life, which was entirely upside down.

I should scream of joy because I could notice a world which normal humans would never experience in a lifetime, or I could shout how much resentment I had bottled up because the life I once had cannot be reached anymore. I should feel unique or perhaps it had not hit me yet. I clearly did not know myself or have I ever known who I was?