Part 16 (1/2)

Cale looked up at the sky and imagined how it would feel to see the Uskevren again. He realized then that he had already made up his mind. At the moment, he could do nothing more to find Magadon, and Magadon would have told him to go help his family. He would leave at once. And after he had put matters with the Uskevren to right, he would return to the search for Magadon.

He looked back at the cottage and saw Varra at the open window. The sight of her made his heart race. She ducked out of sight and soon a light flared in the cottage. She emerged carrying a small clay lamp. She wore only her night dress and the wind stirred her dark hair. The image reminded Cale eerily of the spirits that he, Jak, Magadon, and Riven had seen on the Plane of Shadow, moving through the ruins of Elgrin Fau-the Seekers of the Sun.

Varra hurried over to the elm. He stood as she approached.

”Did I awaken you?” he asked.

”No,” she said. ”Not you. Are you all right?”

He nodded, positioned the other wooden chair beside his. She sat and so did he. He saw little good to come from equivocating.

”I received a message.”

She looked at him, puzzled. ”A message? Tonight? How?”

He cleared his throat. ”A spell, from the son of a very old friend.”

Varra looked only mildly surprised that Cale had received a magical sending in the dark of night.

”The friend you have been seeking?”

”No. Another.”

She stared into the woods. So did he. The distance between them was much greater than that between the chairs.

”What did it say, this message?” she asked.

”It asked for my help,” Cale answered.

She nodded. Silence sat heavy between them. Cale wrestled with how to tell her he had to leave. Before he could say it, she asked, ”Why don't you share with me, Erevis?”

The question took him off guard. ”What do you mean?”

”I mean ...” she trailed off, searching for words. ”Each night when you leave the meadow and do ... whatever you do, I lay awake, terrified that you won't come back. Did you know that? You have never told me where you go, what you do.”

Cale looked at his hands. ”I didn't ... I thought you were sleeping. And you do not want to know.”

She looked at him. ”Yes, I do. I see the bloodstains on your clothes. You try to wash them off in the brook but I see them. I've asked no questions about it, about anything, but ...”

She looked away.

Cale said nothing, merely stared at his hands as if they had an answer. Shadows slowly rose from his fingertips. He watched them drift off into the night like smoke and made up his mind to tell her the truth. He turned in his chair to face her.

”Here it is, then. Sometimes when I leave here, I go to help some of the villages around us.”

She c.o.c.ked her head. ”Those villages are days away, Erevis.”

Cale nodded. ”You know what I am, Varra. I can travel very fast through the darkness.”

She stared at him, eyes wide, and nodded at him to continue.

”While I'm away, I ...” he gazed into the night, ”... kill things. Creatures, mostly. Marauding monsters, trolls and the like. It's gotten worse of late. But sometimes people. It depends. That is the blood you have seen on my clothing.”

He saw the shock in her eyes but pushed onward. ”They are evil things, Varra. Evil men.”

She scooted back in her seat, as far from him as the chair allowed. He doubted she even realized it. He knew then that leaving was the right thing to do for her, too.

”Why do you do it?”

Cale swallowed. ”Because I promised a friend once that I would try to be a hero. It sounds absurd, I know. But I meant it. And when I do ... those things, I'm keeping the promise to save people.”

Varra stared into the woods. ”The world is too big to save everything, Erevis.”

He shook his head. She did not understand. ”I do not want to save everything. I just want to save something something. I need to.” The moment the words left his mouth, he regretted them.

Varra's look was sharp enough to cut flesh. She studied his face. ”Is that why you brought me from Skullport? Because you needed to save me?”

Cale could not look her in the eyes. His silence answered her well enough.

”You don't love me?” she asked softly, and her voice quavered.

He did look into her eyes, then. He leaned forward and took her hands in his. She was so warm. ”Varra, I care for you. Very much. I feel something between us, something ... wonderful. But there are things I must do, and those things stand between us like a wall. That's why I do not share myself with you. I cannot keep my promise here. It's not enough, what I'm doing. I need to do more.” He swallowed, then said, ”I felt like myself when I was looking for my friend, Varra. I was talking with people and standing in places that belonged on a street in Skullport, and I felt like myself.”

He felt embarra.s.sed saying it, but there it was.

She spoke in a small but resolute voice. ”You cannot be yourself here? With me?”

Cale spoke quietly. ”I am not a man made to be a husband, to live in a house, tend a garden. Varra, listen to me-I have fought demons, killed creatures from other planes with my hands, these hands.” He held up his shadow enshrouded hand, scarred and callused. ”I watched a wizard dim the sun, then broke his body as mine broke. I am different from other men. More than in my skin. I've seen forty winters and I will see hundreds more, thousands maybe. But who I am, what I am, was determined in a few key hours scattered over the course of my life up to now. I cannot change that. I do not want to change it.”

Varra shook her head. ”No, Erevis. Everything you do is who you are, not a few moments. You choose to focus on certain events and let those define you, but they needn't. You are more than that.”

Cale looked away. He could not expect her to understand. She did not know what he had seen, what he had done.

She glanced up at the stars. ”We are finally talking to one another, but only to say good-bye.”

”Good-bye” sounded hard to Cale, but he nodded and said nothing. He could think of nothing else to say.

She took a deep breath and laid her palm on his cheek. ”Do you remember what I said to you, back in Skullport, when we first met?”

Cale spoke nine languages but Varra's words then, still stuck in his brain, had confounded him. ”Relain il nes baergis.” ”Relain il nes baergis.”

”It means, 'I know your soul.' And I do, Erevis. I do not want you to leave. And I do not think you are as different from other men as you think. You would be a good husband, a good father. Your deeds are different, but not your heart.” She smiled and Cale thought her beautiful. ”You would stay if I asked you. I know you would. But you would resent me for it. I cannot live with that.”

Cale started to protest but knew she spoke truth. They had never lied to each other. He would not start now.

”We are connected, Erevis. I don't know how or why. I just know that we are. Do what you must. Go, help your friends. I'll remain here.”