Part 13 (1/2)

'I do!' Lorna sobbed. 'Because I can't live with the pain, and in four weeks' time I'm having a hysterectomy.'

And it was out and she'd said it and he was still holding her.

He never wanted to stop holding her-here in his living room, his head felt as if it was imploding. There was a tumble of regret, of anger, about wasted, wasted years and wasted, wasted futures, about the damage that had been done, not just this morning to the baby they had fought to save but to the woman he was holding in his arms now. He knew she was spent now, knew he needed to think before he rushed in and said the wrong thing, so instead he stood her up and said the only thing he knew that she wanted to hear.

'Bed.'

He gave her his nice man nice man kiss, a little kiss on the forehead that told her he knew she was tired, drained, utterly exhausted. He took her upstairs, unb.u.t.toned her coat, took off her clothes and his own. He pulled the duvet over and pulled her into his arms and held her, didn't say a word as it all sank in. He held her the same way he had the night her father had screamed at them and told her she was a s.l.u.t and a wh.o.r.e, the same way he had the night she'd come home after losing their baby. kiss, a little kiss on the forehead that told her he knew she was tired, drained, utterly exhausted. He took her upstairs, unb.u.t.toned her coat, took off her clothes and his own. He pulled the duvet over and pulled her into his arms and held her, didn't say a word as it all sank in. He held her the same way he had the night her father had screamed at them and told her she was a s.l.u.t and a wh.o.r.e, the same way he had the night she'd come home after losing their baby.

Their little girl.

Lorna was thinking about her too.

'Is she the L on your keying?'

'She's the one,' James said.

'Lily.'

There were no tears left, just relief at being able to finally mourn her her and the shrivelling sorrow for the baby that had died today too. Then there was James, his hand low on her stomach as if somehow he loved it-adhesions and endometriosis and missing Fallopian tube and all. and the shrivelling sorrow for the baby that had died today too. Then there was James, his hand low on her stomach as if somehow he loved it-adhesions and endometriosis and missing Fallopian tube and all.

As if somehow still he loved her.

Chapter Twenty-One

LORNA had no idea what time it was when she awoke. For a while she lay there, his body spooned into hers, not trying to orientate herself, suspended in whatever time it was and remembering. had no idea what time it was when she awoke. For a while she lay there, his body spooned into hers, not trying to orientate herself, suspended in whatever time it was and remembering.

The h.e.l.lish night s.h.i.+ft.

Telling him her truth.

And waking in his arms.

Oh, James was too much of a gentleman to baulk and run. Lying there, she almost braced herself for a talking-to, that he cared for her, that he always would, but it was ten years ago now...But his warm palm was pressing harder into her breast, and his mouth was on the back of her shoulder and for a moment she wondered if she had actually told him because it seemed as if nothing had changed, as if, even with the truth, he still wanted her.

And then she stopped thinking, turned over in the darkness and faced him, kissed him on his lips and meshed her skin with his. It didn't matter if it was morning, afternoon or evening, because time took on a new meaning when she was in his arms.

He sort of tumbled her onto her back and he was still kissing her. He could be almost matter-of-fact at times in his love-making, but in a delicious way that drove her wild. As if her body were dotted with Braille he read it, taking his weight on his elbows, parting her warm legs with his knees. And who the h.e.l.l needed foreplay? Because as he slipped inside her she was ready anyway, ready for James to take his time. He didn't say a word and neither did Lorna. They revelled in each other's bodies, and whoever said the missionary position was boring hadn't been a devotee of James. There was no rush, just a lovely languorous journey, where she crept out of her mind as he crept inside her body, accepting the sensations he afforded-the slide of his skin over hers, the taste of his chest, her hands slid down his torso in their own lazy time then felt his taut b.u.t.tocks and dug him deeper inside her. She loved his ragged breathing in her ear, loved the weight pressing down on her, but he was being too gentle, mindful of her chest when he didn't have to be any more. Or maybe he did, because it hurt just a little but he solved that in an instant, wrapping his arms under her now, so she got the contact but not the weight, and it was so nice she wanted to stay there for ever.

She wished she could stop moaning, because she didn't want to signal the end, wished she could tell her hands to stop digging into him and her legs to stop tightening around him because she never wanted him to stop. He didn't. Even as she was coming, still he drove her further, and it was delicious, like gorging yourself on chocolate ice cream and going back to find the freezer still full. Still he was there, still he was driving into her, and if James's control was to be admired, she had absolutely none, and for a minister's daughter her language was shocking. She'd have to have a quiet word to herself later. James did not seem to mind, he obviously obviously didn't, in fact, because as her o.r.g.a.s.m hit again he forgot to be gentle now, held her so tight as he thrust inside her, m.u.f.fled her words with his chest and took her-because he could. didn't, in fact, because as her o.r.g.a.s.m hit again he forgot to be gentle now, held her so tight as he thrust inside her, m.u.f.fled her words with his chest and took her-because he could.

'You want babies,' Lorna said into the darkness. Having made love in his very dark bedroom, they were lying there all wrapped up and content, and when it came around, it was nice to find out they were big enough and able enough to talk about it now.

'I want lots of things,' James said, 'but I want you more.'

'We could adopt.'

'We can do lots of things.' James agreed.

'I'm worried.' She took a big breath and blew it out and tested flying with her new honest wings. 'I'm worried that I'll get depressed again after the operation, that I'll put you through it all over again.'

'You won't,' James said, 'because I'll drag those dark thoughts out of you and you'll talk to me this time, and you'll see someone if you have to. Lorna, if you knew the h.e.l.l of these past years. I've been trying to find you, find a woman that made me laugh, that fitted...'

'James!'

'We fit,' James said. 'We just did, till you went all dark on me.'

'We did,' Lorna agreed, then addressed a nagging guilt. 'What about Ellie? That was more...'

'It was,' he admitted.

'What will you tell her?' Her body swept with dread, because Ellie hadn't entered her head till now, and that he'd hurt her once over Lorna was bad enough, but that he'd hurt her twice was unthinkable.

'Tell her?' He could feel her cringe and then he remembered that little look in Resus, where she'd got it all wrong, and he'd chosen, though it had been hard to do so, to not put her right-but he could now.

Could, because finally they were being honest.

'She asked if we could go out for dinner-there was something she had to say. So I went, I owed her that.'

'You did,' Lorna admitted. 'So what did she say?'

'A lot!' James rolled his eyes in the darkness. 'I was never into her, I never took her to work things, we'd been going out a year and I'd never even hinted that she move in, I was too wrapped up in work. She gave me a right earful actually. Then she said she deserved better, which I agreed with, and then Abby rang and asked me to come in, which she said proved her point exactly, so she took the phone, gave Abby an earful and then stomped out of the restaurant and I paid for dinner.'

'Oh.'

'I'm rubbish in bed too, by the way.' James added glumly. 'It wasn't a great night, but it had to be done.'

'She'll be okay.'

'She will be,' James said, 'because she was right. She did deserve better. Now...' He rolled on his side and faced her. 'About you. You're going to see Henry Lowther. He's the best gynaecologist-'

'I've had second, third, fourth opinions,' Lorna said.

'Good, but Henry's the best and he'll do a wonderful job and hopefully sort out those adhesions too. Is that why you were on so many painkillers?' He kissed her forehead when she nodded. 'Well, you won't be soon. You shouldn't have to live in pain.'