Part 8 (1/2)

It felt like home as he climbed the steps to his town-house, and that was what troubled him. He knew she was in there, and the wave of nostalgia that hit him almost knocked this strong man off his feet. The house was in semi-darkness as he walked in with take-away in hand. Lorna, too thin and too pale, was dozing on the sofa, wearing his clothes. It was so like it had once been it almost killed him to see it again.

'Hey!' As she stirred he held up the white plastic bags. 'I stopped and grabbed some Thai.'

'Yum!' She sat up far more easily than she had in recent days and went and got the plates. James opened and served up the food. They sat on the sofa and ate off their knees, Lorna drinking her blackcurrant juice as James enjoyed a gla.s.s of red wine. Lorna felt as if she was finally back in contact with the real world. She told James she'd read the paper, seen the news and rung her friends to catch up.

'Not bad for a day's work!' he teased.

'You didn't have to waste your Friday night with me,' Lorna said, when they'd finished their take-away and it was still only eight-thirty. 'I'm sure you've got loads of things to do.'

'Well, you go home on Sunday.' He shrugged.

'Still, I don't need a babysitter, and you get so little time off-you should be spending it with Ellie. Is she away? Only I haven't seen her.' She took a sip of her blackcurrant juice and found she was holding it in her mouth when he answered.

'We broke up.' James said, rather too lightly.

'I'm sorry.'

'No need to be-it had been on the cards for ages.' He was flicking through the TV channels and something caught his attention. 'Oh, it's...' He stopped then because it was her favourite movie or it had been her favourite movie and he'd liked it too, but for ten years now, whenever it had come on, whenever he'd seen it at the video store, he'd just ignored it.

'I haven't seen it in ages,' Lorna said, so he left it on, but she wished he hadn't. It reminded her of when a s.e.x scene came on the television while her parents were in the room. Even a steamy kiss had had her mother sitting rigid as her father silently fumed-not that there was much s.e.x in this movie, and not that James was rigid or fuming, it was just too close for comfort, a movie that divorced couples should watch alone. It was too late to admit it, so they both sat in a strained silence as they watched two friends who should always have been lovers resisting it at every turn.

He could smell her hair. Even from the other end of the sofa, he always had been able to the night she'd washed it. It was just so thick and long and there was so much of it that the fragrance hung in the air. The only difference was it smelt of his shampoo tonight, instead of her usual. The other difference was that he couldn't reach over and touch it. Actually, not so different, James thought with a rueful smile because by the end of their marriage he hadn't been able to touch it either. Her hand would come up and push his away-as if it made her skin crawl for him to even touch her.

She wouldn't push his hand away tonight. He knew, just knew, that s.e.x hung in the air. It was like trying to breathe deeply in a sauna. There were just a few inches separating them and a whole ten years too, and now she was crying.

He could hear her sniffing. Even though the film was still funny, she always cried at this point because, Lorna had once explained, she knew what was coming, knew what was about to happen.

He'd known her so well and then suddenly he'd found he didn't know her at all.

'What happened to us, Lorna?'

'Please, don't, James,' Lorna said, because she couldn't bear it. She wanted to turn to him like a flower to the sun, to curl up in his lap and let him stroke her hair as they watched the movie, or to lie on the sofa wrapped in his arms and not worry about the ending, only she couldn't. 'Please, don't start about that.'

Except he had to, because there had been no final row, no harsh words, no goodbye s.e.x. He couldn't, though he'd tried and tried to remember, still he couldn't recall the last time they'd made love. He hadn't known that night or day or whenever it had been, that it had been the last time he'd hold her.

'You just left.'

'James.'

'If we could have talked...'

'What was there to say?' Amber eyes met his for the first time since the film had started. 'You told me you felt trapped, that you weren't in love with me.'

'I didn't say that.'

'Yes, James you did. You married me because I was pregnant and then six weeks later I wasn't.' She stood up, didn't care that the film was not quite finished because she knew the ending already, just as she'd known this moment was coming and she couldn't face it. 'I'm tired.'

'Lorna, please...' He stood up, went to take her hands but he took her arms, could feel them thin and rigid beneath his fingers, this little guarded woman who had always confused him and always, always entranced him. 'I just wish we could talk.'

'I can't.'

'Okay,' he said, because that had been the rule. She hadn't asked to come back into his life, circ.u.mstance had seen to that. 'You don't have to say anything.' It hurt to let her arms go. Was it so wrong to want to hold her? Was it wrong to take her in his arms? 'Go to bed, we've got our shopping expedition tomorrow.'

She nodded, wiped away the tears with the back of her hand and, as always, she confused him.

''Night, James.' She kissed him on the cheek, which people often did, except they'd avoided it till yesterday. It was just a little kiss, tentative and faltering, but a kiss all the same. The bitter-sweet contact was dangerous, dangerous, but instead of scuttling off to bed, there she stood. but instead of scuttling off to bed, there she stood.

''Night, Lorna.' He meant it, he really meant it, because he'd already given more of himself tonight than he had ever intended. He had told her about Ellie, had pushed her to talk and she'd refused, just as she had after they'd lost the baby, just as she had in that h.e.l.lish year after the break-up when she'd refused all contact. Now she stood there just a kiss away and he wasn't sure he could go there again and live to tell the tale. He could feel where her lips had been on his cheek, could feel her in his s.p.a.ce. Maybe if he kissed her it would be enough, could be the conclusion he'd sought all those years ago. Maybe this this could be the moment he remembered when in the future he pondered could be the moment he remembered when in the future he pondered them them again. again.

Kiss me. She wouldn't say it, wouldn't kiss him again, but every cell in her body screamed it, and the cries were heeded because his mouth did find hers. For Lorna, the bliss of familiar lips on hers bought a shock of comfort. Shock, because every nerve jumped as their master flicked the switch and declared he was home. Comfort, because his kiss had been sought but never found in others. She wouldn't say it, wouldn't kiss him again, but every cell in her body screamed it, and the cries were heeded because his mouth did find hers. For Lorna, the bliss of familiar lips on hers bought a shock of comfort. Shock, because every nerve jumped as their master flicked the switch and declared he was home. Comfort, because his kiss had been sought but never found in others.

It was their lazy lazy kiss. kiss.

They'd had lots of different types of kisses, but this was their lovely lazy one. Slow and languid and relis.h.i.+ng each other, in no rush to move on or retreat, savouring, and how they savoured. She could feel the tears on her cheeks, tasted them too as they ran onto her lips. He tasted them too. They kissed her salty river of tears with their tongues, and breathed each other's air with their mouths. His arms were the nicest place in the whole wide world. He created this little island where it was only the two of them and nothing else mattered. They both pulled back, stared at each other for the longest time, indecision, l.u.s.t, regret and want all offering differing directions, but there was only one safe road to take and it was James who guided them.

''Night, Lorna.' He kissed her on the cheek, let her go and for three full seconds she stood before turning.

''Night, James.'

Chapter Twelve

FOR a man, he a man, he was was good to shop with. good to shop with.

Or maybe it was that anything anything would look better than the leggings, a rugby s.h.i.+rt and a pair of pumps that Pauline had leant her for the day trip. She also had a scarf and one of his jackets, which meant within minutes of entering a department store she was boiling and had to peel off the layers. It was the quickest shop in history. She bought jeans, a pale grey jumper and the softest beige flat boots that were, even James agreed, divine, and a little holdall to carry the other odd things she'd collected during her time here. Then they were done and sat in the food hall with coffee and cake and, unlike the other frazzled couples around them, not a bicker in sight! would look better than the leggings, a rugby s.h.i.+rt and a pair of pumps that Pauline had leant her for the day trip. She also had a scarf and one of his jackets, which meant within minutes of entering a department store she was boiling and had to peel off the layers. It was the quickest shop in history. She bought jeans, a pale grey jumper and the softest beige flat boots that were, even James agreed, divine, and a little holdall to carry the other odd things she'd collected during her time here. Then they were done and sat in the food hall with coffee and cake and, unlike the other frazzled couples around them, not a bicker in sight!

'When did you get so easy?'

'Only with you!'

'I meant...' He didn't try to explain, he'd been trying so hard not to go there, to forget that kiss had even happened. He would choose perhaps to remember it later when she was safely home, but there was a flirty edge to her that no one else could ever see. It had always entranced him, she was such a prim thing, so staid and controlled, but not with him. It was almost as if the Lorna he saw, the Lorna she became around him, was a version reserved exclusively for him. Or it had been in the early days, and here it was again. There was a sort of zing between them that just kept popping up like one of those stupid frog games at the fairground-the harder he hit them down, the faster they popped back up. She looked fantastic today. Oh, she was dressed like an oddball, but it wasn't her clothes he was looking at, it was her hair, her mouth, her eyes, her hands cupping her drink. He wanted to get the h.e.l.l out of there, for tomorrow to come and Lorna to be gone, so why, oh, why, was his head going to ridiculous places?

'I've got a proposal for you,' he said a few minutes later.

'We tried that once and it didn't work.'

'I'm well aware of that.' James was serious now. 'We need a doctor and you need a job.'

'I think that might be pus.h.i.+ng things.'

'So do I.' James nodded. 'However, there are only eight weeks of the rotation left. A couple of our interns dropped out, we're horribly short and we haven't a hope of filling the vacancies so late. We're making do with loc.u.ms. Now, if you had a couple of weeks off to recover, well, there's six weeks' work for you-albeit as a house officer but you'd get the experience of a busy emergency department. I'm sure you'd have no problem getting snapped up afterwards anywhere you wanted.'

'I don't know if I could work with you, James.' It was important to be honest. 'I couldn't live with you,' she said, then winced. 'That sounded terrible.'

'No!' James shook his head. 'There was absolutely no offence taken-you are not not living with me.' living with me.'

'Good.'