Part 8 (1/2)

I know women who start and end almost every sentence with the word sorry. ”I'm sorry but I have to ask you ...” ”I'm sorry to do this but ...” or ”... and I'm sorry about that.” It's an attempt to form a connection with another person, even though for the most part, the other person doesn't hear us.

When we use sorry, we're seldom referring to something we did wrong. If that were the case, rather than mumble a weak apology, we should make a strong affirmative statement, one that explains why the error occurred, or how we can make up for it, or how to prevent it from happening again. When I'm really and truly sorry about something I did, I say that I deeply regret my actions, that I am truly concerned-but I never say, ”I'm sorry.”

When a guy hears sorry, he infers that you've made a mistake. Say your boss tells you how an a.s.sociate ruined a sale and the company lost a contract. You search your mind for something soothing to say and end up with, ”I'm sorry.” You think you're being nice. But he hears you apologizing for doing something wrong. ”What's she sorry about?” he wonders. ”She had nothing to do with it. Or did she?”

Saying that you are sorry has nothing to do with your ability to empathize with another person's misfortune. In fact, it has so little meaning that it almost implies that you are indifferent. No woman could say ”I'm sorry” as much as she does and feel that much pain and still be a functioning human being.

6

Aggressive (It's Not a.s.sertive).

Here is a common scenario: The boss is trying to fill an important position. In the interview, a male applicant boasts about his abilities, explains why he's the best person for the job, and urges the boss to pick him. After the man leaves, the boss compliments him by calling him aggressive.

A woman comes in and similarly boasts about herself, says she's the obvious choice, and pushes for a decision to be made soon. The boss finds her domineering, overbearing, difficult. After she leaves, the boss criticizes her by calling her aggressive.

Aggressive is a complex word at the office: When a guy applies the word aggressive to another man, he means that he's bold and forceful, that he wants to win, that he has the strength and capabilities to achieve his goal. But when guys use the word to describe women, the definition changes. The woman becomes pushy, argumentative, domineering.

For a woman, aggressive implies hostility, meanness, ruthlessness, for both men and women. It's about self rather than ego. It's about conquering other people, rather than compromising with them.

In brief: Men reserve the positive connotations of the word for themselves; they apply the negative ones to us. They have relegated to us the word a.s.sertive, which is what we are allowed to be when we want to forge ahead. It's a weak runner-up.

If men need to be aggressive to succeed, why shouldn't we be allowed to be aggressive, too? By allowing the positive connotation of the word to apply only to men, we're taking away our potential power.

7

Fight (It's Not a Pretty Word).

Jacob and Jeanne worked at the same large corporation for many years. They started their careers at about the same time, and both ended up as vice presidents.

Like any other successful businessperson, Jacob's career has been laden with ups and downs, and he recently found himself in a particularly vulnerable political position. But he was confident he'd survive as he always had in the past until, when he least expected it, Jeanne attacked him from behind.

The reason? The two had engaged in a bitter turf war almost a decade earlier, one which Jeanne had been reluctant to enter. It became clear that Jacob was determined to duke it out, and in the end, he triumphed.

Once defeated, Jeanne seemed to acquiesce, and the former combatants returned peaceably to their work. But the truth was that Jeanne had never stopped plotting against Jacob. Finally, she found a way to hurt him irreparably.

Jacob had no idea the battle was still raging.

Attack. War. Battle. To a man, there's something-how else to put it?-manly in a good fight, something strong, dignified, something that has rules. You don't hit below the belt. You don't shoot someone in the back. You don't slug someone who's wearing gla.s.ses.

Men like to fight. They start fighting with each other when they're young, and they keep fighting until there's no fight left in them. Men fight while they're playing baseball, basketball, even while wearing the skates and heavy uniforms of hockey (Rodney Dangerfield's great line: The other night I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out). I know a nursing home attendant who says she has to break up fistfights between two octogenarians over rocking-s.p.a.ce on the front porch.

Women avoid fighting at all costs. Every now and then I may have seen two girls slapping at each other, but for the most part, I can't ever remember seeing females brawling. Nor do I ever recall seeing girls fighting while playing a game. If you lost, if you were angry, the worst you did was huff and puff and storm away. If you were really mean, you took the ball or the board game with you.

But out-and-out fighting? Hardly. What if you hurt yourself? A boy with a black eye looks tough. A girl looks preternatural.

Because we don't see fighting as a sport, the concept of a fair fight is an oxymoron. A fight shouldn't take place. If it does, the rules go out the window. When a mother cat battles to save her kittens, there's no restraint in her behavior. She does whatever she can, including going in for the kill if necessary.

To a man, a fight is part of the game. One of you wins, one of you loses, and then the winner buys the loser a drink. You have to leave your opponent breathing, so you can play again.

Remember the next time you get into a fight with a male a.s.sociate, while you're probably thinking of all-out warfare, he's only thinking of a temporary skirmish. And he's a lot more likely to enjoy the process than you are, which is all the more reason for you to get it over with quickly.

8

Game (a.k.a.: Fun).

Maybe it's because game is a loaded word when it's applied to relations.h.i.+ps. For example, ”I just couldn't date Joey anymore. He was so into games.” Maybe it's because we don't think we're as good at games as men. Maybe we feel that if we play a game with a man, we're expected to lose. But when we hear the word game, we get a little nervous.

Men are more likely to smile when they hear the word game. The word means something fun. When they play a game, they think they're going to win. What's not to like?

Here's a guy's secret: No one becomes a CEO by going through the motions. If you can't keep finding ways to maintain your enthusiasm for your job, you're going to get flat.

That's why guys have turned business into a game. It helps them devise new plays, invent new tactics, create new strategies to trounce their opponents. It allows them to have fun while they work.

I experience this phenomenon at work with my bookers and producers. Because they understand that business is a game, the truly excellent ones accept difficult challenges as part of their job description. They have fun dreaming up ways to do the completely impossible, they'll book the people no one else ever dreamed would be willing to appear on network television.

Thinking of work as a game is the best way to keep firm boundaries between you and your job. I know far too many women who are infuriated by their boss, or are irritated with a new colleague, or are haunted by an upcoming project, and who are unable to get away from the office because they can't stop wallowing in their unhappiness.

If you become mired in a tough situation, don't turn it into an emotional crisis. Instead, whenever you lose the contract or you don't get the promotion, funnel that unhappy energy into something more constructive, such as a new game plan that will lead you to success.

And remember that all games have a specific time limit. When they're over, they're over. So what if you lost? As soon as the next game starts, everyone is a possible victor once again. If you keep worrying about what went wrong with the last sale, you won't be ready for the next one.

9

Gla.s.s Ceiling (Their Phrase, Not Ours).

A friend tells this story about her childhood. She, her older brother, and his friends would be playing cowboys and Indians, or cops and robbers. Most often she was the only girl. During the game, whenever she was doing well, her brother would shout out-”You're not allowed to go into the Forbidden Zone!” My friend never knew what the Forbidden Zone was, or why it appeared, but it always ruined her chances of winning. Because my friend was thrilled that the boys let her play, she lived with the rule; it was better than playing alone.

These days I'm often asked about the gla.s.s ceiling, and I want to shout, ”There's no such thing as the Forbidden Zone!”

After all, isn't it possible the gla.s.s ceiling-some transparent barrier at the top of each corporation through which women can't pa.s.s-is purely a male invention? Do we accept it as a reality just because there are no women in the uppermost reaches? Maybe it's just a natural resting point we haven't figured out how to get beyond.

In the past women have broken through many of these ”ceilings” and each time we do, the ceiling seems to have moved up. Once it was just above the vice president's job, then the executive vice president's, then the president's. Now it's hovering right below the chairman's. You could use this metaphor until every job in America is held by a woman.

The problem with the concept of the gla.s.s ceiling is it gives men an excuse for their failure to treat women as equals. What game have you ever played in which your opponent says you're not allowed to win-and you believe him?

It is true that many of us get stopped at a certain point on the way up, but we can't just blame this ceiling. Many complex factors are involved.