Part 7 (1/2)

”Well,” I says, ”that is a real nice suggestion only not quite practical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay for the theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out of the rain. Any more ideas?”

The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then.

”Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie,” she says, which was terrible sweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a good suggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fine Jewish American and a willing worker as I well knew.

”I thought of course it was a benefit we would give,” put in Pattie in a voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. ”I have a new patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about the center of the programme.”

After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the committee table.

”Well, benefits is always possible,” I said, ”and of course we could have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which would do your act justice,” I says.

”Ah! _cheries!_” says Mlle. DuChamp. ”Mes pet.i.tes!” she says, whatever that was. ”I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zee steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out 'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vos battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!”

She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of course Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would she be let?

”Of course she wouldn't!” says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a minute. ”Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven thousand five hundred and let it go at that!”

Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything, but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the time.

”That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle,” she says just as sweet, ”only you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one person can't get more,” she says.

”Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then,” said Ruby, and I could see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers?

”I'll take a thousand also,” put in Madame Broun. ”To tell the right truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backs of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?”

Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except of course it's the truth that most people is b.o.o.bs, outside of their own line, more's the pity!

Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so all that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand dollars worth of friendless little stamps with n.o.body to love them but me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of the business which was merely how would we print our forms for subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I agreed, being hungry myself.

”I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount,” said Pattie. ”But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you.”

”Ladies!” I said. ”No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose.”

But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday morning.

IV

But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as it is to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stamps per each off them and of course n.o.body but thinks the rich should have them, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps at five dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on a good thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage about going in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried home full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herd and with a terrible appet.i.te and anxious as could be over the one o'clock mail.

Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because the censor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal for lunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to so little and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat in silence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as it was also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushed her dish over toward me in disgust.

”Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!” she says.

”Well, Ma, you know what war is,” I says. ”And we'll get a good meal at the Ritz to-night to make up!”

Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, I set out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for using places which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do you get me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's because--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed a plastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconscious imitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store with a customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices.

But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought about the dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then I asked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Sat.u.r.day to take only Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stamps herself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that.

”Why, dearie! Not on a bet!” she said. ”It ain't that I'm not patriotic, but this establishment is _exclusive!”_