83 Diary: Memories From The Youth 1 (1/2)

(Han's POV)

Hanzo. Hanzo Asuzawa. That was the first name that I got since I was born. My grandfather left a will to his first son, Nobuo Asuzawa, to name his grandchildren. He said ”If it is a boy, he will be named, Hanzo. If it is a girl she will be named, Hana.” Long after that, a baby boy was born and I gained Hanzo as my name.

But in the future, it was more than just my old name.

The earliest memories I could remember was when my father, Nobuo Asuzawa, need to leave the country somewhere far with my mother. When I tried to ask why they didn't permit me to come with them? They said that I will feel happier here, in Japan with my grandmother.

At that time I was still a child and I didn't know anything about the world or country affair. In short, my father leaves because of his military works.

He had a reason, of course. For not taking me with them, let just say, it was something related to my safety.

My mother left too because she didn't want to separate far from my father. If the country my father appointed to which was near Japan, it was okay perhaps, but the problem was, it wasn't. Thus, my mother determines herself to come with my father and she knows what difficulty she will face on, but she wasn't afraid.

My father was a general, it was easy for him to take care of my mother's problem citizenship.

For one year they leave me alone with grandmother and a few servants. In that one year, sometimes I tried to ask grandmother to play with me but always got rejected by her.

She said that I was being spoiled too much by my father. She didn't like my attitude to playing all the time, she scolds me to study.

In the truth that wasn't the real reason. My grandmother wasn't that fond of me. She always looked at me sometimes with a disgusted expression, but she didn't hate my origin which mix of half local half foreigner. She simply hates my mother and I am, my mother's child.

It reminded her of my father ex-girlfriend who was a foreigner too, who betrayed him because she was cheating on his back. My grandmother was still feeling contempt for her son's ex-girlfriend which ends with a result, hatred or dislikes toward my mother, then, toward me. She thought all foreigner was the same just like my father's ex-girlfriend.

But when we were gathered together as a family with my mother and father, my grandmother will quickly cover her dislike face with a smile, trying to hide it from her beloved son and she succeeds in doing that.

My grandmother was a conservative lady and very traditional. She had the same personality as my grandfather. Strict, tough and a strong woman. Because she practiced several martial arts before.

She taught me kendo[1] because it was her specialty. I was a too weak and spoiled brat at that time and I always throw tantrum with her. When I was alone with her I always get scold and beat by a bamboo sword to get work out, because I was a lazy kid.

She just wanted me to be more discipline, but I refused it. I was simply five years old child at that time. I whined to her again and the result was with me getting beat up more.

The servants didn't say anything. Because they were all afraid of her. I once tried to report this to my parent, but the phone line was cut by her. I couldn't escape. Since then I tried to be obedient to her.

At six years old, I should go to my elementary school already but, I stayed at home, homeschooling. In that period of time, I didn't make friends or should I say I didn't have friends, to begin with!

I started to get lonely and annoying each day. I couldn't contact my parent, I didn't know how they were, I want to do this and to do that, but grandma forbids me too.

After my tutor was gone, she would call me and began to hit my back because I wasn't listening to my tutor lessons.

Why did she beat me so much? Why did she always target me? I said helplessly inward.

I didn't have a strong memory, to begin with, but I had a great understanding since a child, so I could master the subjects at a fast speed. Although I didn't pay attention to the tutor, I could learn it by myself and master it alone later with no trouble.

I talked with my grandmother about my capability and she mocks me to be overconfident.

Until one day she stops scolding or hitting me. She became quiet all of the sudden. She cried a lot and called her late husband, my grandfather's name.

She suffered from dementia.

I never saw her became like this. Before, she was fierce and demon old lady. But now she kept forgetting things and couldn't walk normally. Thus, she stayed on the bed. I only looked at her and visit her a 'few' times. The number you could count by one hand.

But one thing I was glad. I was free from her grips and craziness. I was relieved.

The servants would be taking care of her and I always tried to avoid her sometimes. I was still scared, that's why. Scared that she would beat me again. But no, she didn't do anything to me.

She couldn't talk clearly and couldn't recognize me anymore.

I was happy at that time and I felt my burden was lifted.

But.

It changes.

Since that day.

I was feeling dead inside.

I.

I was still six years old at that time.

That I accidentally... killed my grandmother.

Everything felt like a nightmare at that moment.

...

When she was in no condition being called normal. I let my self roam around the small town we lived in. I made a few friends with the kids from the neighborhood and few adults who keep giving me a free snack along the way.