179 Her Diary (2/2)

Jan 8, 583 A.C.

Alevian, you've came to see me in the hospital, even bringing me that cheesecake that I've missed so much. When I saw you, I just completely forgot about my plans as I needed your presence to help soothe my mind of the numerous days of depression and melancholy that I had experienced from this boring hospital stay. You also seemed to be in some sort of dilemma yourself, so I was too occupied with wondering what it might've been that caused someone like you to be troubled. I was actually worried about you. But, I'm sure in the end you'll figure everything out. As for me, I still have to figure out a way to push you away even further.

...

Jan 9, 583 A.C.

I know that you will come by and visit me sometime today. Even though I don't have any solid evidence on it, I just know it. I guess you can say it's a woman's intuition? But that's not important.

I had planned with Loyd to put on an act. Him and I were to have our shirt unbuttoned and when you arrived to visit, he would walk out while buttoning his shirt, making it appear as if we were just having sex when you came to visit.

It was quite painful for me when I saw your devastated and pale face, but...it was something that had to be done. It was quite difficult looking away from you, and you wouldn't know how much it hurt when you left. My mind simply couldn't handle this abuse that I was putting myself through, knowing that I am harming you in a matter that will push you further and further away from me. I cried because of it. It's just knowing the fact that you wouldn't be there for me from that day on made life appear extremely strenuous for me. But, I suppose it's for your benefit...I wouldn't want you to see me as my health deteriorates. The doctor doesn't even have to tell me about it. I know that my condition is worsening. In fact, my left eye has been losing its sight slowly and slowly and an emergency surgery has been scheduled tomorrow.

Hopefully, my attempts were successful at pushing you away. That way, you wouldn't have to see the me that I didn't want you to see. I want you to remember me as that energetic and cheerful girl. Not this sickened and cadaverous form of me.

...

Jan 10, 583 A.C.

I don't understand it. You came back even after what had happened yesterday. You made me give up my plan altogether as I realized that I am no longer able to live on with my life without you there by my side. It's gotten to the point that whenever you're not around me, I would weep. In fact, that's what happened once you've left.

I'll be having my surgery in about half an hour, so hopefully, it goes well. I don't want to die just yet. Please, just a few more months.

...

Jan 11, 583 A.C.

I lost my left eye entirely last night. Apparently, my condition was even more severe than I had anticipated it to be. It's gotten to the point that I must have another surgery performed on me in a desperate attempt at extending my lifespan. I had this operation done before, but back then, the success rates were higher. I'm not so sure about this operation though. If it fails, I'll most likely lose my life then and there. But if I don't get it, I'll probably die within a few days anyways. If it succeeds though, it'll mean at least a whole month of additional time in this world.

The additional time is all that I ask for. I no longer want to spend time with them by the beach or anything like that. Just let me stay with Alevian for a bit longer. Please.

...

Jan 12, 583 A.C.

Today is the big day, and the surgery is in twenty minutes. Alevian, I've received that message.

”The moon shall be eternal”

What is that? It's a rather amusing statement you sent me there. However, it's actually what I needed at the moment. This simple statement gives me strength. Alevian, I know what you mean, and I guess that's the important part of this all.

The operation will be conducted soon, and since this might be the last time I'll be able to have the opportunity to write in my diary again, I want to write something that can serve as a good conclusion for everything just in case.

So, I guess I'll begin this final letter addressed to you right here.

Alevian, I hope you're having an awesome day so far. I know you probably won't be in the best of mood as my death had impacted you (hopefully or else I'll actually cry). But, you probably won't read this diary until a few days after my funeral because you'll be afraid to read it. But since you are reading it, I guess you've gathered the necessary amount of courage to do so.

Now Alevian, did you ever think about what term we can use to define our relationship? I know you might be thinking ”companion”, but is that really the right term? We've shared some intimate moments, something that companions won't do. Yet, this relationship of ours is platonic, so I do not know if that can qualify us as lovers. Have you ever thought of becoming lovers with me? To be honest, I had. That's why I asked you those questions about your future when I was sleeping over in your room. I wanted to imagine what a future where you and I got married would be like. I know it might be quite foolish of me for trying to imagine that, and I know you must be feeling extremely awkward right now, but I'm being honest.

However, I suppose even if both of us had the intention of becoming lovers, it just won't come into fruition. Both of us are cowards, afraid of causing damage to the other. I'm afraid that becoming lovers would make saying goodbye extremely painful, and I suppose you think that way too. That's why you never allowed anything sexual to develop between us. It's just sad now that I think about it that the two of us could never have anything develop between us. If we could've met a few years earlier, or if I did not suffer from this stupid disease, then what could have happened? I guess we wouldn't even speak to each other, but it's still fun to imagine how different our interactions would be if I'm not dying. Maybe that imagined future of us marrying would actually become true.

It's almost time for the surgery so I guess things will have to get wrapped up here.

Alevian, thank you for staying with me. I know sometimes I might've been a bit selfish in my requests, but you did your best to accommodate and help me. You're always there to help me, reassuring me whenever I am frightened by my inevitable death. Yet ironically, you're also the person who elicited that fear within me. You made me want to live on. Maybe it's something similar to what you felt that's experiencing me.

Hopefully, you wouldn't forget me. Hopefully, you would allow the moon to become eternal in your heart. That way, I'll always be in your memories, in a place where you'll be able to see me when you revisit past memories.

Now, I guess this is the only thing I would like to tell you before I go for real now. Alevian, you should smile more often.