166 Cold, Winter Winds (2/2)

Loyd took the lead and entered the room after knocking gently as he is her boyfriend. Irina and I entered after him with Irina going first and me being at the very tail end of it all. Upon entering, I was greeted with Luna's affectionate interaction with Loyd, seeing how she looked at him and smiled. Loyd returned the gesture as well and naturally took the seat nearest to her and brought his hand to hers.

To my left, Irina appeared to be somewhat uncomfortable, which I assume I was too. However, for some reason I felt oddly numb about it all, probably because I had disposed of any of the stray emotions I might've held into the deep abyss, sealing it down there beneath my prison. But, being the two charismatic individuals that they were, numerous times, they tried to bring us into the conversation, but it was quite weird when we were just standing there while they held hands. Like it's really quite weird.

”Alevian, Irina?” I heard Luna say to us. ”Would you mind... leaving for a bit?” She smiled in an embarrassed and apologetic manner. ”We have something private that we would like to talk about.”

”Oh y-yeah,” Irina blushed slightly after maybe fantasizing what they were going to be doing. ”I have to leave soon anyway, so...um...see you next time, Luna. Hope you get better soon.”

”Thank you, Irina,” Luna chuckled.

Then, she directed her gaze over at me, maybe thinking that I might have something to say. However, I didn't. So to avoid the awkwardness, I followed Irina out of the room after mentioning to them that I'll also be taking my leave.

I slid the door shut behind me and quickly left so that the two could have their privacy without any fears that anyone was eavesdropping. With a few brisk strides, I caught up with Irina and started walking alongside her while lagging back ever so slightly. She didn't say anything to me, but... I assume now wasn't the right time since we were in a hospital. Therefore, I decided that maybe I should wait until we exit the building.

Once we've exited the hospital building, she started walking in the direction of the train station, taking the paved riverside path with its park benches and street lights that were starting to be powered as the sun was making its way down the arc in the sky and casting an orange filter over the world. On the other side of the river, in the Lumina district, some of the windows on the skyscrapers also lit up as their occupants prepared for the incoming reign of darkness and of the night. A cold, winter wind blew by, moving our hairs as well as making the tail end of my coat and muffler scarf to flap in the air.

”Irina,” I stopped and called her name, causing her to also halt in her steps. However, she did not turn to face me, so I was unable to tell what her countenance was. ”I um... I want to apologize for what I did that night... at the end of the live stream...”

She didn't say anything. Instead, she simply continued to stand there with her back facing me and her hair moving in the air as the wind continued to blow. I was sure that she had heard me, so I continued on with my apology.

”I'm sorry for... shaking away her hand,” I looked down at the concrete sidewalk whose light gray color has been changed into a more orange one as the setting sun's filter made the world look as if a layer of orange had been cast over it. ”I...I didn't want the camera to catch it, you know? People will think things if they see you continue to hold onto my hand and might start posting stuff online...And um...it would ruin your reputation and everything. I wanted to protect your name and your career. So...”

I know what I'm saying, but I know that it wasn't the right thing for me to be saying. In fact, I don't know what I'm saying. All I know is that I was spouting some meaningless nonsense that might sound logical, but it wasn't. All that it was is just excuses, excuses that I'm trying to use to justify myself instead of tackling the situation and apologizing about what I did. This...this is one of the reasons why I despise myself.

”Is it that much of a shame to be seen holding my hand?” she softly whispered in a voice that was almost carried away by the wind and was only barely audible to me. ”Why?” Her voice was trembling along with her body in a manner that I was certain it wasn't because of the cold.

Slowly, she turned around slightly and looked over towards me. Her face, her countenance, it was one that I will never forget. Tear droplets rolled about in her eyes as they sparkled and reflected the sunlight. Her face was scarred by frustration as she stared at me with her eyes that communicated her severely wounded emotions.

”Why are you so observant, able to notice so many things, but...” she closed her eyes and shook her head, causing some droplets of her tears to flee the confine of her eyes as they were forced into the air, sparkling as they came underneath the sun and carried away by the wind. ”but never able to notice me.”

”...” I was unable to speak as my mind was knocked clean of its excuses. I merely stood there, dazed as I realized the fallacy in my thinking. I had been focused on the wrong aspect of my sins all along. Instead of focusing on responding to her emotions, I've simply been avoiding it all together, assuming that it was simply gratitude and will most likely fade away given enough time. I was also being extremely selfish, thinking that by not acknowledging it, I will be able to preserve the status quo of things... I'm such a scum. I'm such a scum...

”Please,” she then said between contained sobs. ”Let me have some time alone...”

Then, she slowly walked off, becoming smaller and smaller in my vision as she became more and more distant in the distance, until she disappeared into the entrance to the underground metro station, leaving me standing there alone on the paved rive...

Then, she slowly walked off, becoming smaller and smaller in my vision as she became more and more distant in the distance, until she disappeared into the entrance to the underground metro station, leaving me standing there alone on the paved riverside path. The cold, winter wind continued to blow by, moving my hair and the tail ends of my clothing. In addition to that, it swept away the clouds, revealing to me my true sins.