146 Its a Part of the Process (2/2)
I opened the refrigerator door once again and took out the vegetables that I needed for tonight's menu. I have decided that I'll be making a simple seafood spaghetti with mussels, shrimp, and some lobster with a salad on the side. Therefore, I also reached into the refrigerator and took out the already processed mussel and shrimp that was bought from the supermarket a few days before.
As I chopped up the vegetables, I noticed Luna's eyes focused on the vegetables on the chopping board and on the way that I chopped them up. I paused out of slight embarrassment and looked up at her. She was leaning on the counter and using her elbows as a support for her hands that supported her face. On that face of hers was a content and happy countenance, but when she saw that I had stopped, she looked up and met my eyes.
”A-are you just going to watch me?” I asked, somewhat nervously as I felt a rather odd unease in my mind from showing someone other than Loriana my cooking skills.
”There's nothing wrong with it,” Luna responded with a confused look on her face.
”I mean...” I sighed. ”You're right. But... I get kinda nervous when you stare at me like that.”
”Sorry,” she laughed and apologized. ”Would you like it better if I turned the television volume up?” She then looked over at the television screen which was on and playing a game show at the moment. ”That way, you won't be distracted by me.”
”You don't have to,” I sighed and returned to what I was doing before. ”I think I'll get used to it soon.”
Just like that, our conversation ended and a period of silence ensued with the only sound being the sound of the kitchen knife slicing through the vegetables and onto the cutting board. This sound continued as I sliced up the vegetables into the sizes that I wanted for the seafood spaghetti as well as the salad.
”Is this what life after a marriage is like?”
Luna's sudden words made me pause in my cutting and look up once again at her. This time, however, she did not look up to meet my gaze, but instead, she kept her eyes on my hands as she gazed at it with a somewhat sad demeanor. Her eyes appeared to be in a mourning state as if there was something that she missed or regret.
”One of the husband or the wife will be making food,” she continued to say in a soft and longing whisper. ”Or maybe the two will work together and prepare dinner. But whatever the case may be, they'll both be happy that the other is there by their side...”
I didn't say anything and remained mute. This future that she described will never come into fruition for her. She's going to die in the near future. Maybe in half a year, or maybe even sooner. Whatever the case may be, that will not change the fact that she doesn't have long left in her life and marriage... it's one of the farthest things for her. It's something that she'll never be able to lay her hands on...
This realization combined with her longing face made things even worse for me. The bitter feeling inside my chest seemed to amplify and occur at an even greater magnitude. Things just felt... uneasy and bad. It's quite... painful to be honest. But... but. I must stay strong here. I already promised her that I'll see her to the end, that I will walk alongside her until she gracefully enters into her grave. Because of this promise, I must not allow my tears to fall. I must keep them concealed and maintain this illusion for her.
Silence ensued us. I didn't say anything as I know that she'll never be able to achieve what she had described, and I believe she does too. Both of us know this fact, and both of us were reluctant to speak about it, knowing all well that the other will feel quite awkward if we do so. This awkwardness, these troubling emotions that are just so agonizing and bringing with it so much pain and anguish that severely damaged my heart, why does it also have to bring with it so much peace and content? Why is it that this pain is so relaxing? Is it because the source of this pain is Luna? That might explain things since she's also the source of this odd sense of tranquility and comfort for me.
With this bitter pain in my tranquil chest, I continued with the process of making dinner. As I cooked up the pasta and made the sauce, I remained silent and allowed my cooking to do the talking. I imbued within it the emotions that I felt, hoping that it will serve to alleviate things for me. I know all of this might sound confusing and conflicting. But that's the reason why it's so troubling for me. I don't even know myself what any of these emotions meant and why it was that I felt this way. But... I guess this is all part of the maturing process...