110 I am a Scum (2/2)

Is she...

”Alevian,” she whispered as she approached me. She gently placed her left hand on my shoulder and her right hand on my chest in the area directly over my rapidly beating heart.

”I...” she whispered as she breathed deeply.

”Luna...” I whispered back.

”There's always been something that I wanted to do before I die,” she whispered gently into my ear. I could even feel with my skin the hot air that she breathed out. ”Something that should only be done with someone special...”

”I-I...”

”I want to try it with you,” she whispered.

Her soft, seductive voice drove me insane as it forced my heart to beat at a pace that I had never experienced before. It was almost as if my heart will burst past the lungs, shattering my rib cage, and burst out of my chest entirely. However, it didn't. But still, I felt as if I was being driven insane by her seductive and alluring words. I... I'm slowly losing control of my body.

”No!” I said, pushing her away from me with my hands on her shoulders.

”...” She stared at me in shock as a few tears began forming in her widened eyes.

”I... I can't...” I muttered to her. ”I can't take advantage of you like this.”

What am I saying? I thought as I started rambling about why I couldn't do it with her. It must've taken a ton of courage for her to say that to me... And I just... just rejected her without any hesitations for myself. That must've pained her greatly...

I mocked myself as I continued to ramble on as to why I couldn't. Slowly but surely, I remembered once again the forgotten disdain I had held for myself in the past. I despised myself. I am a scum. I don't deserve her. I am the epitome of a scum, someone that should kill themselves for the better of society. Someone like me does not deserve her sacrifice, nor do I deserve a happy ending.

”So... I'm sorry,” I bowed my head to her, knowing that it could not compensate for the damage that I had dealt to her. In fact, I was also dissatisfied with my apology, but... it's the best that I could do at the moment. This somber feeling of helplessness... let it be my punishment, but I know this pain will never be enough to wash me of my guilt.

”I-it's fine,” she whispered, forcing herself to smile and wipe away her tears and pretend as if nothing had happened. ”Let's pretend that didn't happen...”

Please stop... Don't make me feel any worse about myself...

I looked up and gazed into her weeping eyes. Even though she had tried to wipe away the tears, they still flowed and climbed down her cheeks. And yet... I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I'm afraid... I'm really, really afraid about further involvement between her and I. I'm afraid that the closer we become, the more difficult it will be to say goodbye in the end. But... I'm still unwilling to cut contact with her. I don't want to leave her alone, and... I don't want to be alone myself.

”W-why am I crying?” she bitterly chuckled as she continued to wipe away at the tears on her face...

Seeing her like this... it made my heart ache. It's extremely agonizing, even worse than the worse physical pain that could torture anyone in this world, for me stand here and watch her weep because of me. It's painful, yes... very painful. I hoped that it was actually me that was about to die and her to be the one that will be living, but... that will never happen. She will die soon, and I... and I still harmed her.

I let out a trembling sigh as I felt my knees slowly giving way.

Looks like I won't be able to complete this mission...

Slowly, I turned around, hoping to escape, just run away from this crime scene. I wanted to run away, run to where no one knows where I am. Escape to the other side of the world where the pain and suffering will be far, far away from me. Yet... if I really were to do that... how horrible of a person am I? I'm already a scum, maybe something that's beneath a scum... What's the lowest I can fall to? I... can I still remain human?

I was hesitant, unable to move my feet forward despite the fact that I was facing the door. I... I can't. Even though I want to distance myself from her so that it'll be easier to say goodbye in the end, I don't want to leave her... This conflicting idea, this great paradox, troubled me. It's as if my brain is unable to process it all, leaving me with a head-splitting headache as well as a heartache that was similar to a needle piercing every single part of me, making me into a human porcupine before I am diced up...

I suddenly felt something pulling against my sleeve, and looking down and over my shoulder, I saw that it was Luna...

”Don't leave me,” she whispered with a trembling voice as she wept. ”Don't leave me here alone...”

Then, she gripped onto my sleeve even tighter with both hands, as if pleading me to stay...