41 Chapter 12: Forgotten (1/2)

”No one can interrupt us in here” he says as we glided upward, ascending towards to one of our castle's towers. He took a glimpse at me and blinked his eyes away just before I catch them.

He lands on one of the battlements of the towers and guided me down to sit on a merlon while he later on leaps up to sit on another merlon, just next to mine. ”Go ahead, we can talk about anything in here.”

”They will soon be looking for us...”

”Better hurry then” he retorted, draping one foot down towards the cliff face while he bends his other knee close to him. ”You were going to tell me something, right? I'm all ears” He leans an elbow down on his knee and placed his chin on his palm, watching me.”Did the nightmare bother you that much?”

I moved to the edge, ready to spring down to the floor but then I hesitated. It would be rude to leave knowing he took me out here just to listen without getting interrupted. ”It's not just the nightmare” I answered. ”I know this sounds weird but... I'm actually accustomed in having nightmares. I frequently dream about scary things ever since I was little— more frequent than normal. I just became that rattled now because the dream is different this time. Usually the dream is about a girl in the mirror. Sometimes her eyes are gone, sometimes she crawls out to take me, sometimes she tries to kill me or depict killing other people, and many more macabre.”

I tried to recall now what I dreamt awhile ago.

The chains that bind my ankle is all I can remember clearly... visually. I also remember the feelings I had felt; the anger, hatred, and hopelessness. Combining all together until I got drowned. All I ever felt by then is fear and desperation. I wanted to live. I didn't want to die.

”To be honest, whenever I had those kind of dreams, I just watch everything and let it unfold. I thought that would help me understand a message it might be trying to say. But now, I realized... I learned nothing. All it did all these years was to show me what I'm scared of and exposed it to me in many different forms, almost countless. That's why, I awaken each morning feeling nothing. I can't feel happiness nor sadness, no fear, nothing. I just feel so empty inside almost becoming apathetic too.

But then when Aeron talks to me, I snap back to reality. He brings out so many moods in one conversation. He can be so contagious.”

I found myself giggling as I remember Aeron's face in a grimace then he slowly smiles, laughs, looks surprised, frowns again, sighs, then later on grins widely. He's so animated. It made me realize something is wrong with me so I try my best to smile back and respond as if I'm his reflection in a mirror.

And it helps.

”Is it weird to think my twin brother is the separated part of me that had harbored all the positive things in life?” I hauled a sigh and shrugged.

”Hm. And what does that makes you?”

Surprised, I turned to Eriol. That's when I realized I had been talking nonstop.

How odd it is to open up this easily to him when I thought talking about these at all would be so complicated.

”I suppose I'm implying that I got all the bad luck?” I answered. ”I admit sometimes that crossed my mind but I know it's not true. I mean, my parents are sweet and kind. I live in a castle. I have friends like you and Levi and Aeron is my brother. I'm so lucky with my life right now that sometimes I dread to lose this life— becoming so desperate to find a way not to get killed someday.” I halted and gasped, it slipped from my mouth even before I could have stopped it. A pause that made Eriol look at me as I clasp my hand to my mouth. I slowly removed that hand and went on. ”What I'm trying to say is... I believe someday, there might be people who would want me dead.”

I watch Eriol. He just returns the gaze, eyeing me coolly. No questions asked. He's just waiting for me to finish. I averted my eyes away.

”But that's not my greatest concern... the idea of people around me getting killed terrifies me more. Losing the ones I cherish... I can't stomach the thought of the people important to me dying in front of me whether it's from getting involved or...”

Because I killed them myself, was what I was going to say but it was too hard to say out loud.

I bent my knees close to me.

”I don't want anybody to die because of me. And with that said, I also want to live longer— with all of you guys. I want to spend more days together or travel around just like what happened today. We traveled across a border to the Southernmost Kingdom, apprehended few bandits and then just awhile ago I saw my father cried with his silly face again saying he's proud just because we climbed down the stairs without tripping.” I chuckled. ”Eri, I want everyone happy and safe. This life I have now is too precious to end.

I'm not afraid of the process of dying but I'm afraid of leaving the people dear to me. I'm afraid for them to get hurt. I'm terrified of watching them die. I... I'm scared all of these precious days together will change just because of me.”

I wanted to look at Eriol but tears slowly had blurred my eyesight. I tried to blink back the tears but it fell down my cheeks instead. I turned my head the opposite direction and wiped my eyes dry.

I began to spell out the word STRONG on the palm of my hands. Closed it into a fist. And pressed it to my chest. A chant that I pray to have an effect.

But then I pondered about being strong.

Becoming strong... is that really necessary?

”I wanted to be strong for the people I care about in order to protect them. But I fear that strength would turn against me someday and I might use it to hurt them instead. Now, I'm confused what to do.”

I can feel the breeze passing pass us in a rather strong yet gentle manner. Just enough to brush against my ears, buzzing so loud like listening to a plastic bag being crumpled.

”Strong... is a big word, Aerra. Being strong doesn't just limit to physical or magical prowess. It goes in many forms. In my opinion you are strong,” Eriol stated. ”You're the strongest girl I have ever met, actually. A strong young girl with a good heart.”

I wiped my eyes dry. I'm somewhat relieved Eriol is not trying to touch me just to comfort me, that would have made me cry more.

”I'm not really.” I shook my head in denial but a subtle smile manage to linger from my lips from his comment. ”I mean, compared to my twin...”

”Comparing again, huh? Aeron is different on his own ways even if you're twins. Sure he's strong. He also never turns his back on people who needs his help, whether he's capable or not. But he's a bit troublesome for charging head on to problems. And he's not that honest with his feelings either but his actions says otherwise; he pushes himself to the limit when it comes to saving someone he really cares about.”

Eriol throws me a meaningful look.

And the message is sent. I get that he's implying that last statement to me. Aeron is selfless when it comes to me. I'd be really stupid if I didn't know that by now.

”There's quite a lot of similarities between the two of you but you need to acknowledge both of you can't be the same at everything.”

”I know but... I guess I'm just a bit jealous of my brother's achievements. I want to be as strong as he is but I can't... it's complicated. But if I'm not strong or powerful enough, how can I protect the people I care about or anybody who I want to defend? I don't want to keep depending on people around me. To you, to Aeron or Levi— I don't want to be weak. But I can't become too strong either...”

”Let me just tell this to you, Aerra. There's nothing wrong in being weak or powerless. When you came to Ouboros, you knew nothing about using powers or elements. You can't even wield a sword right. And we were literally far more competent in a battle than you were when you arrived. But you were by far, the strongest one both in heart and in mind. And with that kind of strength, you gave all of us the courage to be strong. Because of you, we are here today. We escaped. Ouboros is gone. It had nothing to do about power.

That's the strength you have, Aerra. And you should keep that in mind.”

I hid my face to my arms as I hugged my knees closer to my chest.

Friends... allies... that's what I had.

And up to now, I still have them...

That's how we defeated Cerguz.

”If you can't fight battles— so what? You have people standing on your side, Aerra. To depend on people who wants to lend you their strength doesn't necessarily mean you're weak, sometimes it may also mean you're wise. Nobody can keep fighting everything alone.

Even a king needs an army no matter how powerful he is.”

I replayed his words inside my head. Sometimes its not weakness to ask for help, it's called being wise.

Should I ask for help in changing my fate? Would it be wise knowing that if I get them involved would expose them to more dangers than keeping them out?

Somehow, opening up to Eriol about these feels liberating, like a torn taken off my chest. But to directly admit that I will become the Fallen is another matter than I still feel anxious about. But I'm actually thankful he's not particularly prying. He's not asking why I feel this way or why I'm talking about things like these. He's just really listening and responding, so patiently waiting for me to open up at my own pace.

”Thank you, Eri.” I sat up properly and faced him. ”There's something else I need to tell you.”

I reconsidered how it sounds like if I directly tell him I'm the fated Fallen one. How would I start? How did I opened this to Nora before?

”The reason behind all of these predicaments I have is...” I pursed my lips in a straight line. ”Where it all began...” Is when I remembered everything about my previous life, is what I was going to say but Eriol suddenly bolted up.

”Ahh fffac—!” He didn't finish. He suddenly became a ball of light and dashed downwards—rushing like a shooting star towards the inside of the castle, leaving me alone in the tower.

I stood up, a bit surprised at his sudden exit.

This is not the first time that this happened. It happened as well when we were at Ak'hilheim. We were walking around the bazaar when he suddenly became a ball of light and rushed to towards the harbors. That's when I found out he took Aeron as his official Meister as well.

In that case, Aeron might have summoned him just now because I've gone missing for a couple of minutes.

I hauled a sigh.