Interlude - Another Satisfied Customer (1/2)

*Click*

“Hello, you have reached Demons ‘R’ Us. My name is Carl and I will be your liaison for the day.”

“Y-yes? Can you, uh, hear me?”

“I can indeed.”

“It worked! Holy shit it actually worked! Hahahaha! Suck it Frank, you fat fuck!”

The devil sighed as he leaned back in his chair. Another newbie was not what he needed today. Admittedly the passage of time was a bit tricky in the Beyond since things like ‘today,’ ‘tomorrow’ and ‘yesterday’ didn’t really exist, but the fact still stood that there had been a lot of these guys lately. And dealing with first-timers was always a pain in the ass.

“Miss, you do realize I can hear everything you’re ‘thinking aloud’ right now, yes?”

“Oh… Uh, s-sorry about that.”

“Quite alright. Now, please identify yourself so I can register you in our system.”

“The name’s Sylvia Caldwell. And you said your name was… Carl?”

“That is indeed so, Sylvia.”

“That’s… a lot lamer than I was expecting.”

“You could call me Katorolomaongott instead if that strikes your fancy.”

“Katrorma-what?! Nevermind, Carl will do.”

“Great. Now, shall I assume you’re calling to obtain your very own demonic familiar?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“That’s super. Let’s get started right away, shall we? First of all, I’m going to need to ask you to forward me your Status. Do you know how to do that?”

“Uh… No? Can you even do that?”

“You can indeed, and it’s not as complicated as it might seem. I can walk you through it right now if you have the time.”

“… You won’t trick me and suck my soul out of me and into the Beyond, right?”

“I assure you, that is not a thing that happens at Demons ‘R’ Us. Think about it - if we actually did that to people, then there wouldn’t be any Warlocks willing to sign up with us. I don’t mean to brag, but our customer service is what makes us the leading demonic support provider in the world.”

Granted, while Carl’s claim was technically correct, he omitted the fact that Demons ‘R’ Us were also the only ‘demonic support provider’ in existence. Studies simply showed that mortals reacted better to ‘you’re dealing with the best’ than they did to ‘you don’t have a choice.’ Well, that wasn’t quite true. Aspiring demon-tamers did have one other option.

“However,” Carl continued, “Demons ‘R’ Us cannot guarantee the validity of any demonic pacts, soul-binding contracts or dark covenants you make with Beyond-dwelling entities that are not affiliated with us. If you try to get an independent agent and they end up eating your family, that’s on you.”

An especially stupid and ill-advised option, but an option nonetheless.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” the young woman replied. “Then please teach me how to send you your- I mean my Status.”

“Let’s get right to it, then. You start by calling up your Status inside your head so that its at the forefront of your consciousness. Can you do that for me, please?”

“Okay. Status! There, done.”

“Excellent. Now, try and recall the mental exercise you went through to call our number. I need you to do something similar, only this time you need to do with your name instead of our number while focusing on your Status window as much as possible. Go on, give it a try.”

“S-sounds simple enough. Here I go, then… S-Y-L-B- No, that’s not right! I’m just so nervous!”

“That’s quite alright, I’ve got all the time in the world. Just calm down and try again, but slower.”

“Alright, Sylvie, deep breaths. Hooh. Haah. Okay. S. Y. L. V. I. A. There, did that do it?”

“Good try, but you need to do the full name as it appears on your Status. Try doing it a bit slower.”

“Ohhhh, yeah okay. I’ll give it another try. S. Y. L-”

As the teenage girl on the other end of the line kept at it, Carl couldn’t help but think back to trying to do the same with Boxxy. Of course, back when it first contacted him, the monster had the intelligence of an unpainted wooden board with a crack in it. Even if the Summon Familiar Skill allowed it to somehow reach out into the Beyond, the way it struggled to form coherent thoughts made communication quite difficult. A much bigger problem, however, was that the monster was still unnamed at the time. One’s true name had a special meaning when it came to soul-binding contracts, so the lack thereof made it exceptionally difficult to register the mimic as a customer in the Demons ‘R’ Us system.

It was a stressful and infuriating experience, but the way it challenged Carl’s abilities made it strangely entertaining. He was able to eventually sort the barely sentient box out by using its species as a focal point. It was the only mimic Warlock in all of existence as far as Demons ‘R’ Us was aware, so the devil was able to use that to get the creature up and running. It was hardly a flawless solution though. Some sort of glitch sent the thing’s Status all the way up the chain to the Goddess of Instability and Weaxohn the Demon King. To this day none of the beings involved had been able to figure out exactly how that was made possible. Though if Carl had to wager a guess, it probably had something to do with the fact that the monster was born inside the Progenitor’s dungeon.

“-L. L. There, did that do it?”

*Ping*

The screen on the desk Carl carl was sitting at suddenly let out a bleep as it filled up with all of Sylvia’s personal information. It showed she was an eighteen year old human woman, Level 13 Laborer Job, Level 5 Warlock Job, with a few Levels in Pickpocketing, Meditation and Ruin Mastery. This painted a certain picture - that of a low class pauper trying to strike out on their own as an adventurer, likely behind their parents’ back. It was something Carl had seen hundreds of times before, so it really wasn’t worth calling attention to it.

“That did indeed,” he said in a casual tone. “And on only the third try. Great work, Sylvia.”

“Ehehe…” she laughed bashfully.

“Next I’m going to need your approximate location.”

“I’m, uh, l-laying in bed.”

“And in which city and country would that bed be located?”

“Oh! I’m in Oshinas.”

“Ah, the Lodrak Empire’s capital, is it? Okay, give me a minute here.”

*Takakak takatak tatatatak*

Carl’s twelve fingers flew across the stone keyboard in front of him as he started filling out all of the relevant forms under the chorus of a rapid clacking noise. It was possible to do this in total silence, but surveys showed mortals were far easier to work with when there was audible evidence of actual work being done. It also helped reassure them that the connection to the Beyond was still active and didn’t get dropped or cut off for whatever reason at times when words were not being exchanged.

Of course it wasn’t like the bizarre machine-thing in front of Carl was an actual object, as physical items did not exist in the confusing mindscape that was the Beyond. The thing was actually a mental construct conjured up by the Demon King, which allowed his subordinates direct access to the knowledge and information within the Overlord’s mind. The organization’s entire office building was like that, actually. This whole setup was supposedly suggested by the God of Causality as a way to help streamline the day-to-day operations of Demons ‘R’ Us. And if the old timers’ words were to be believed, it had been a smashing success.

It did have its downsides, however. For instance, should Weaxohn be called to the material realm, the Demons ‘R’ Us headquarters would be dissolved and their operations temporarily suspended. Carl wasn’t around back when these convenient constructs were not yet a thing, but relatively recent events showed him just how hard it was for the devils of old to do their job. Finding a free agent that fit a newly fledged Warlock’s familiar criteria within a reasonable amount of time was nigh impossible without the support of the Demon King’s information network.

“Alright Sylvia, you’re all set on our end. We can now move forward with establishing your first demonic contract?”

“What does establishing a contract involve, exactly?”

“I’m glad you asked. First I send you a mental copy of the contract. Fair warning - it’s quite big so you might black out if you’re not mentally prepared. Once you have it, you need to confirm that you’ve read, understood and agreed to all of the clauses contained within. After that I will ask you a series of questions, work some of my magic on my end and try to find the demonic entity that best fits your needs. Once such an individual is found, he, she or it will be bonded to you, at which point the contract is considered active and you will be able to summon them at your leisure.”

“… That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“So… I don’t need to, like, bathe in the blood of orphans or shove a pickled troll toe up my butt?”

“You can if you want to, though it won’t have any effect on the contracting process.”

“Wow. Okay. That’s a huge relief. Sorry if I’m being ignorant, I just hear things, you know?”

“Trust me, I know.”

Sylvia was actually the fifty-second person that Carl had to correct on that ‘blood of orphans’ assumption. Three hundred and sixty third if it was counted as a variation on ‘blood of innocents.’ It was also the two hundred and fifteenth time someone had mentioned suspect suppositories in Carl’s presence. The most common misconception by far, however, was that forming a demonic contract required one to dance naked in the rain while wearing a freshly severed goat head as a hat. Which was strangely specific, especially for something that Carl had heard eight hundred and ninety nine times.

The devil didn’t complain though, as keeping count of all the crazy shit mortals said during calls helped make the eternal boredom of the Beyond that tiny bit more tolerable.

“So, are you ready to receive the contract, Sylvia?”

“Yeah, hit me!”

*Click*

“Bleghut!”

The girl on the other end of the psychic connection let out a weird noise as the lengthy agreement slammed into her mind. She managed to avoid passing out at least, as evidenced by the fact that the connection between her and Carl was still active.

“You alright over there?”

“Ugh… massive headache, but otherwise fine. Damn that’s a lot of stuff though. Why don’t you guys break it up into chunks or something?”

“Because you need to agree to one contract, not five fifths of a contract.”

“Isn’t that basically the same thing?”

“No, it really isn’t.”

“Even demons aren’t freed from the chains of paperwork, huh?”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

For the one hundred and twenty-eight time, he added internally.

“I’ll just give this a once over, yeah?”

“Sure, feel free to do so. I’ll be available to answer any and all questions you might have.”

“Oh, that’ll be a big help. Thanks, Carl.”

“Just doing my job, Sylvia.”

The two of them spent twenty or so minutes going over the contract. It was intentionally written in simple yet very specific terms and phrases that even the biggest idiot could understand. Even that proved too much of a challenge for a certain unnamed mimic though. ‘Familiars do things that I tell them to’ and ‘familiars can’t kill me unless I tell them to’ were the only two parts of the contract that monster actually comprehended. Once it had those things established it hurriedly moved the process along without paying much attention to the vast majority of the clauses.

Admittedly those two were the most important ones, but it wasn’t until Boxxy’s Demonology Skill gained a few Levels that it completely understood the contract in its entirety.

Thankfully for the once-mimic, potential summoners didn’t need to fully comprehend or even read the summoning contract in order to be bonded to a familiar. They just had to say that they did, and Carl had no way of confirming whether they were telling the truth. He did, however, always make sure to helpfully remind the mortal party what would happen should their bonded familiar’s soul be damaged or extinguished. Even if it was an extremely unlikely event, Carl felt it was his duty to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening, be it through malice, incompetence or ignorance.

He was therefore rather relieved that Sylvia wasn’t like that, even though she seemed a bit dim.

“And what about this clause 2-F. Something about using familiars as collateral?”

She was extremely thorough and nitpicky, to the point where her behavior bordered on paranoia. Which was the right sort of mindset one should have when dealing with demons. Or long-term contracts in general, for that matter. As for the clause in question, the wording in it hadn’t been completely streamlined yet since it was a very recent addition.

“Basically that means you should not perform any demonic rituals upon your bound familiar,” Carl explained. “Doing so could result in your immediate terminal termination for endangering their immortal soul, as per clause 1-D.”

“Wait, you mean to tell me demonic rituals are a real thing? Like, can I make freaky shit happen just by smearing the walls with blood, saying a bunch of nonsense and shoving things up my butt?”

Carl couldn’t help but notice how fixated this girl was on the idea of foreign objects entering back passage, but he wasn’t about to waste time and energy by calling attention to it.

“I’m not authorized to disclose that information. You’ll have to find out the specifics for yourself.”

Instead he gave her one of his standard noncommittal answers.

“Ah. Right, okay.”

“Anything else I can help clarify for you?”

“No, no, I think that’s everything.”

“Then do you hereby acknowledge that you have read, understood and accepted the terms and conditions of the summoning contract as presented to you by Demons ‘R’ Us?”

“I do.”

“Excellent. In that case, let’s move onto the questionnaire. First of all, what species are you looking to form a covenant with?”

“Err… What are my options?”

“You have five types of familiars you can contract with - fiends, succubi, stalkers, beholders, and hellhounds. Would you like me to describe them in greater detail?”

“Uhm… could you describe them for me? I’ve seen a few Warlocks strutting around town with their demons, but I have no idea what most of those are.”

Carl then spent the next several minutes going over each familiar’s general strengths and weaknesses. He held off on going into their subspecies for the moment, as that would be too much information to dump on someone who was a complete novice when it came to demonic lore. That could change overnight with the Demonology Skill, of course, but very few Warlocks actually opted to go down that path.

“Hmmm…”

As for Sylvia, she seemed to be having a bit of a hard time deciding which type was best for her, which was only to be expected of a total newbie.

“Say, Carl? Any chance I can get you to be my familiar?”

“I’m afraid not. I’m a devil that handles contracts and communication, I’m not on the list.”

“That’s a shame, you sound pretty handsome.”

“Really? I've been told I'm not much of a looker.”

“Ah. Well, your voice is way manlier than any of the wimps in my neighborhood at least.”

“Whatever you say, miss. Now, can we please focus on the matter at hand?”

“Right, yeah, of course. So here’s the thing, succubi are those big-breasted sluts, right?”

“That’s… not entirely inaccurate.”

“Is there a hunky male equivalent? Like, mancubus or something? Not that I’m planning anything weird! I just, like, would prefer my servant to be dreamy and attractive, you know? Someone that will fit my eventual station as a great person.”

“I understand, but I’m afraid there are no male succubi. There are some that favor the company of other women, though.”

“Ugh, I’ll pass on that.”

“If what you’re looking for is a ‘hunky’ demon, your best bet is a fiend.”

“Wait, aren’t those the big scary troll-faced brutes that never stop snarling?”

“Yes, and no. Much like people, certain features vary wildly from demon to demon, even within the same species. For example, though all fiends are extremely well-built, quite a few of them can be considered highly attractive by human standards, be they female or male.”

“Hmm, I guess that makes sense. I don’t know though, it seems like these fiends would be hard to boss around. I don’t think they’d take me seriously at all.”

“Yeah, it’s probably for the best if a total greenhorn like yourself avoids them. They’re the type that will try to stick their, uh, ‘equipment’ in someone’s butt the second you take your eyes off them.”

“… I’ll take a fiend, please.”

Carl’s lips curled in a smile as his hands flew across the console’s keypad, the phrase ‘hook, line and sinker’ floating into the back of his mind.

“Very good. Just to confirm, a male one, yes?”

“Yes, definitely.”

*Taktaktaktaktak takakatak tak tak*

“Any height preference?”

“Err… How much of a difference will it make?”

“Well, fiends range from anywhere between two and a quarter to three meters in height, though the average hovers at around two and a half.”

“What about their, uh, proportions? Like arm-to-leg ratio and such?”

“Comparable to those of a human or elf, if a little girthy.”

“Then short. As short as possible. Yeah.”

*Tak tak tatatatatak*

“Would you like the fiend to be well-endowed or not?”

“Err… Uhm… I don’t… Uh…”

It seemed like being asked about that so directly proved a little too much for the girl.