Snow Day (April Fools Chapter) (1/2)

Silus Underwood took a deep breath as he observed the mountainside around him. An endless sea of snow-covered pine trees stretched out to the left and right of him. Immediately behind was a large wooden lodge, while in front was a wide downward slope covered by fresh powder. Of course, said slope had not occurred naturally, but was something made and maintained by the proprietor of this resort.

“Excuse me, sir?” spoke up the elven Scribe that worked as his assistant and secretary. “Are you sure this ‘trip’ is necessary?”

“Of course I am, Astros. We all deserve a break, especially since it was our actions that brought an abrupt end to that pointless war.”

Word of what happened at Fort Yimin had spread throughout the Empire’s ranks like swine flu. The country’s leaders received hundreds of reports and sent several scouting missions to confirm them. The result was that the unthinkable situation where their force of 30,000 people and 6 VIPs had been completely wiped out was indeed real. It took a mere 4 days after the failed siege for the Emperor to pull away all his troops and agree to a 5-year peace treaty between the two nations. And since both parties made a binding oath before Teresa, Nyrie and Axel, there would be very little chance of it being broken prematurely.

Of course, this wasn’t the end of it. It was doubtless that the Empire would use this time to sharpen their fangs and evaluate the dryad threat. 5 years was plenty of time to devise countermeasures and strategies to avoid another Honeytrap. Of course, the Republic’s leaders were making preparations of their own. Their goal for this half-decade was to forge a military alliance with the dwarf-and-gnome populated Horkensaft Kingdom. It didn’t take a genius to realize those shorties would be targeted next should the Empire gobble up the Republic.

But, at least for the moment, the elves could enjoy the brief respite from that ghastly war business.

“I know that,” argued Astros, “but I personally do not feel that bringing the Exarch all the way out here was a good idea.”

The Scribe tilted his head towards his side, towards the elected leader of the Ishigar republic. He was an elderly elf, whose face was lightly wrinkled. He had short black hair with a receding hairline, and wore a pair of goggles on his face. He was dressed with a casual-looking padded jacket and trousers, both yellow in color, and wore some heavy black boots. A pair of thick gloves on his hands also served to protect him from the cold.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” said Underwood. “We reserved this place just for us, and we brought a few squads from the 3rd Legion here with us for protection.”

Indeed, the myriad of other people around were wearing similar clothes to the Exarch, except their colors were dark gray, bordering on black. About 30 of them were keeping an eye out for any potential threats and there were even several beholders floating around. There were about 15 others who had distinguished themselves during the war and were here as guests of honor. Of course, the majority of those people were the ones who survived the historic siege at Fort Yimin.

“Besides, we’re deep in the Republic’s territory. In fact, this remote region probably makes us more secure than if we were to stay in the capital.”

“And the Legate approved all this so easily?” asked Astros.

“The man’s right there, you know.”

The Scribe turned his attention towards where the Exarch was, and realized that the leader of the 3rd Legion was right next to him, and the two were having a talk about something or other. He failed to notice Aidun at first since he was wearing the same outfit as the commoners, except for a number of shining medals on his chest.

“Very well,” said Astros with a sigh. “If all of my superiors deem it a good idea, then I have no say in the matter.”

“Nonsense. It is important to speak your mind. You have to understand those in power are also capable of making mistakes. If you spot a potential problem, it’s your duty to report it immediately.”

“Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!” he replied with an enthusiastic salute.

“Ah come on, don’t go all military on me like that. We’re not at war anymore and you’re not technically part of the army, right?”

Astros was not an officer, but one of many adventurers that got drafted shortly before the start of the conflict. Of course, those people were discharged once the armed conflict with the Empire was settled.

“... Right, sorry Silus. I got a bit over-excited.”

The two of them shared a light chuckle, while two of the guests of honor walked past them. Both of them  were carrying thin boards with rounded edges that were almost as long as their owners were tall. Astros watched curiously as they set them down, stood sideways on top of them and then kicked off. They slid down the specially prepared slope while turning left and right while using their whole bodies.

“This ‘snowboarding’ is quite interesting, isn’t it?” said Underwood.

“Indeed. I had no idea such a thing existed until yesterday.”

“Unsurprising. It was something that popped up recently about 6 or 7 years ago. A strange man settled down in the area and made this resort. Said he brought this ‘snowboarding’ thing over from his homeland. It’s somewhat of a niche hobby, but has been steadily gaining popularity.”

“I can understand that. It does seem thrilling in a way.”

“Oh, it is! It’s very good fun, I suggest you give it a try sometime.”

“Uhm, Silus? You know how you told me to point out potential problems?”

“Yes?”

“What’s that?”

The scribe pointed in the opposite direction of the slope. On the snow-covered ridge above the wooden lodge were a pair of figures. One was a gnome-shaped mithril golem. The other was a fully armed and armored dwarf. They seemed to be arguing about something.

“Those are guests from the siege,” explained Underwood. “No need to worry about them.”

“No, I know who they are. That’s exactly why I’m worried!”

“... Good point. Let’s go put a stop to that right away.”

However, before they could reach them-

*Swoosh Swoosh*

“I hit plenty of stuff with this thing, but it never went off. So what gives?” complained Hilda.

The dwarf was swinging around the club-shaped Boomstick Fizzy had made for her weeks ago. It was heavily dented and a few cracks were visible here and there, showing just how much abuse it had been under.

“That’s strange,” said the golem. “The firing mechanism is pretty basic.”

“So... what? Did ye gave me somethin’ cheap?”

“Not really. The more basic a mechanism is, the more reliable and sturdy it becomes. Less moving parts, you see.”

“Right, right… So then why didn’t it go off?!”

Fizzy sank deep into thought as she examined the battered item with her eyes. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with the device, yet it didn’t work as intended. Was this some flaw in the components? No, the gnome had personally forged them so she was sure they were quality goods. In truth, the fact that this thing was still holding itself together despite all the abuse it went through was a testament to her crafting prowess. So then, if it wasn’t a structural issue, then perhaps it was an OHT problem?

“... Did you push the trigger?” she asked.

“Trigger?”

Fizzy facepalmed so hard it produced a loud, bell-like gong. As expected, it was an Operator Headspace and Timing issue. Possibly aggravated by a lack of RTFM.

“Yes, trigger,” she groaned. “You know, the small button on the handle? The one I put in so it doesn’t go off on accident? The one I told you about at least 6 times?”

“D’oh! I completely forgot! Ye mean this thing, right?”

*Click*

“... Did you just-”

*SWOOSH*

Hilda gave her Boomstick an overly-enthusiastic swing before Fizzy could stop her.

*SNAP*

That proved to be the final straw, as the abused Artificer-made weapon finally broke. The sheer speed and force of Hilda’s arm caused the handle to snap, sending the now-armed payload flying off into the distance. It flew off the ridge, over the the lodge and landed in the middle of a group of people, where it once again demonstrated Fizzy’s crafting prowess.

*Ka-BOOOOOMMMMM*

By exploding violently, of course.

“Gah! What’s going on?!” blurted Underwood in a panic. “Is the Exarch okay? What about the Legate?!”

That mysterious explosion had originated exactly where those two were standing, so his worry was very much real. Even if their clothing had protective enchantments, it was still just padded cloth and fur.

“Primus! Sir!” shouted someone off to the side. “They’re up above!”

Silus’s eyes darted upwards, only two see two smoking and singed figures flying through the air. Their gear had done its job and absorbed much of the damage, but was ripped to shreds in the process. The members of the 3rd Legion stared dumbly in disbelief as the unconscious Exarch and Legate soared above them in a grand arc while wearing nothing but their underpants.

Incidentally, the Exarch wore briefs, while the Legate had a pair of white-and-green striped boxers.

“Secure them at once you idiots!” shouted Underwood.

“Y-yes sir!” replied the others in unison

Having snapped out of their shock, the troops all began running in the direction their leaders were flying. The pantsed duo made touchdown a few seconds afterward. The Exarch crashed into a bystander, knocking them both over and kicking up a cloud of white powder in the process. The Legate landed on the slope face-down and proceeded to slide down head-first at breakneck speeds.

“Shit!” cursed Underwood. “You guys go after the Legate, I have the Exarch!”

“Yes sir!”

A dozen or so Legionnaires ran down the slope after their boss while Silus went to check on the Republic’s top brass.

“Are you okay?!” he shouted into the snow cloud.

A head covered in crimson hair and sporting two triangular fuzzy ears popped up out of it.

“Ah, I’m fine, mister Underwood!” said Keira in a cheerful tone. “Accidents like this do happen since everyone here is a beginner. It’s no big deal!”

She then obliviously kicked off and slid down the slope without waiting for the elf’s reply. Her motion dispersed what was left of the snow cloud. Underwood felt an ice-cold chill run down his spine, as he realized that the catgirl’s snowboard was left behind half-buried in the snow.

“H-hey. HEY!” he shouted. “THAT’S THE EXAAAARCH!”

Keira was currently going down the slope while using the barely-clothed Exarch as a snowboard. She rode on his back while his face dragged across the snow in front. She caught up to the group chasing the Legate and greeted them with a wave.

“Hello everyone! Having fun?”

“H-huh?” replied one of the troops. “Decanus Morgana?”

“Be careful, okay?!” said the catgirl as she picked up even more speed.

“W-wait! What’s that you’re riding!?”

However, the man’s shouts fell on deaf ears as Boxxy was focused entirely on doings its best not to fall over and make a fool of itself. It even had to get rid of its MLG due to all the beholders flying around, which only made it more nervous.

“Huff huff huff huff huff huff!”

The severely panicking and heavily sprinting Underwood caught up with his men almost immediately after.

“S-Sir! Decanus Morgana just-”

“I know! Huff huff huff! I’m working on it! Huff huff huff!”

I’ll never catch her at this rate, his racing thoughts said. I need a board! Oh, there’s one!

Jumping on the snowboard that was conveniently around let him use gravity to more easily accelerate down the fairly steep slope. He lowered his body and stabilized his stance, allowing him to gain that crucial bit of extra speed. He had already learned to snowboard years ago, so he was able to steadily catch up with the oblivious catgirl.

“Stooop!” he screamed several times, but to no effect. It wasn’t until he came up to her side that she finally seemed to notice his presence.

“Didn’t you hear me telling you to stop you airheaded fuzzball?!” he shouted angrily.

“Huh? Mister Underwood, what are you doing here?”

“Who cares about that?! Look below! Below!”