56 Chapter 55: Descent into insanity (1/2)
”….fault…”
I was mumbling something to myself, my words hoarse and incoherent.
”It's all my fault…”
Hanging my head, I sagged against my restraints.
”All because I exist…my very existence causes harm to other people. Just by existing, I cause others to suffer…I should just die. I don't deserve to live.”
Why can't everything just end already?
”Somebody…just save me. Or…just kill me already…I beg of you…”
”How pathetic.”
The ghostly figure of Master sat cross-legged in front of me, shaking his head as he glared at me in disapproval.
”No one's going to save you, you know? You can't rely on anyone except yourself.”
”…”
”There's no one in this room except you. You've to do everything yourself. If all you do is wait, by the time someone finally comes to help you, you'll be long dead by then. You need to do something yourself, put in some effort from your end.”
God helps those who help themselves. Or something like that?
”Maybe.” Master shrugged.
Can't you help me?
”Me?” Master laughed. ”What good would relying on me do? I'm just a figment of your imagination. I've long been dead. What do you expect me to do? Become a ghost and haunt that fucking bastard who tortured you?”
Better than nothing…
”Except that I'm not real. I'm just something your mind conjured up, you know? To prevent you from falling into insanity. You know as well as I do that your real master has passed on long ago, gone into the great wheel of reincarnation.”
So what are you here for?
”To keep you company. You're going crazy from loneliness, you know that, right? Being locked up here, all alone except during the torture sessions. Your mind has already snapped, your spirit has already broke, and your heart is dead.”
…
”But I guess the question is why. Why did you end up here? How?”
Because I exist.
”Surely you don't believe that.” Master laughed and shook his head. ”Now ignore that bullying bastard for a few moments. How do you end up in such a sorry state?”
…I got unlucky, I guess.
”Unlucky?” The phantom that was Master howled in laughter. ”That's quite the understatement. Such terrible luck can't possibly befall anyone ordinary. You must have terrible karma…probably commit some sort of atrocities in your previous life or something. I guess you're paying for every sin you committed in all your previous lives in one go. Karma can be a bitch, right?”
That's…I don't know.
I had no idea what I did in my previous life, or if a previous life even existed. I wasn't a big fan of the reincarnation idea. I was more inclined toward the Christian notions of salvation, and worshipping a single God. While I wouldn't say I was completely monotheistic, I would happily devote myself to a single God.
A lot of good that did me.
”No, no, no. Don't turn this into a religious debate. I don't care what you believe in. It doesn't matter here.”
Master tutted and shook his head.
”You blame bad luck. I guess it can't be helped. Even a neutral outsider could scarcely believe the sort of misfortune that has befallen you.”
I said nothing. There was nothing to be said regarding that.
”But…you know, I don't believe that.”
I glanced up at Master, surprised. He smiled scornfully and flicked a finger at my forehead.
”There's no such thing as luck.” I never felt the flick. His finger seemed to vanish before it made any physical contact. That was right…this ”Master” was not real. ”Every situation is an event that is borne out of the interactions between countless circumstances. Like the butterfly effect. A butterfly flapping its wings somewhere would cost an air current that might blend in with the atmosphere, flow across the world and meld with a gigantic whirlwind elsewhere.”
I was pretty sure that had been scientifically proven to be false…or something. I couldn't remember. My head hurt too much.
”The point is, regardless of the truth of that claim, is that you should be looking at the source of the situations. Who created these circumstances? What led to this outcome? Is it just luck alone?”
Master leaned closer and sighed disapprovingly.
”Don't you think every single instance of oppression is this world is caused by the victim's lack of strength?”
”…”
”If you were strong enough, would you have fallen to that psychotic bastard in defeat? If you had beaten him, would you have ended up here, tortured and toyed with by that maniac? No…all this is your fault. Your fault for being weak.”
I know. I know that.
”No, you don't. You are vaguely aware of that fact, but you don't comprehend the true meaning behind it.” Master tapped his temple. ”Think about it a bit more. If you were stronger, if you were able to kill that murderous motherfucker, would you have been able to save the mother and child? Would you be able to prevent both of their deaths?”
That's…
”Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Ideals are amazing and beautiful, I'll admit that. But do you think reality will always go your way? Sometimes you've to abandon your ideals and confront reality. Kill or be killed. If you don't kill, you will be killed. If not you, then someone close to you. Like Hu Shi and her son…”
Master sighed dramatically.
”Ah~ Even though they nursed you back to health, gave you a bed to sleep in, and looked after you when you were about to die…this is how you repay them? By being so weak? By being so indecisive? Thanks to that, you ended up losing both of them.”
There's no guarantee that the fucker would have spared the other's life even if I chose one. He's just toying with me. You saw that. You know that. Even if I chose the child, he would have killed both of them anyway, just to laugh at my misery.
”Oh, but you don't know that. You'll never know. All because you never tried. All you know for sure is that your decision…or the lack of it caused both of their deaths. This is the outcome, not of anything else, but your own weakness.”
Shut up.
”Running away from the truth now? Can't deal with reality?”
I gritted my teeth. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
”Do you really want me to shut up and leave you alone here?”
Master's voice was soothing, almost kind. I gritted my teeth, tears rolling down my face when I found that I couldn't answer.
I…I…I…! I don't know…somebody…please…
”There's nobody here.”
Dad…Mom…please…save me…
”Your parents aren't here either. It's your fault if they worry themselves to death, you know? Do you know how they'll feel when they learned that you've died a pitiful, dog's death here?” Master slapped his thighs as he roared in laughter. ”I still remember the day you told them you wanted to enroll in Wu Ling Academy and become a martial artist. How's that working out for you?”
I…I…I wanted to be a martial artist…I…
”Yes, you did. And how does it feel? Being a martial artist?”
I…I…don't know…
”Are you even a martial artist?”
No…I failed.
”Yes, you failed. After assuring your parents that nothing bad would happen. Even after the incident in the abyss, you survived, pulled yourself back to the surface and proudly told your family that you had become stronger. You bragged about how you learned martial arts for the purpose of protecting your family. Even though you're just a weakling who's ignorant of how the world works. But who's going to protect them now that you're gone? And who's going to protect you?”
Nobody…
”That's right. Nobody. You can't rely on anyone these days. You've to do everything yourself. And to do that, you need to obtain the strength necessary to do everything yourself. Otherwise, it's all just talk. All that bragging will remain empty, hot air.”
That's right…I'm too weak…I should never have said all those things. I…
”You disappointed your family. You let them all down. They'll be sad when they learn of your death, you know? And it's your fault for disappointing them. It's your fault for letting them down. It's your fault for dying off on your own and making them all sad.”
But it can't be helped! I…!
”You what? Have to be a hero? You don't regret trying to help others? Look at yourself!”
Master rocked the chair. Or perhaps I did, but ascribed the motion to the illusion.
”What happened after your noble sacrifice? Is it worth it? Is it worth being a noble hero, just so you can suffer like this? You weren't even their intended targets to begin with. You just took the place of the true victims. What are you, Jesus Christ? You don't mind suffering in their place? Don't make me laugh. I know you're not a saint who believe in that sort of BS.”
I…I don't regret it. I don't…