49 Scream (1/2)

At first Zixi felt numb as his mind tried to cope with reality. Then he was screaming so loudly he couldn't hear himself. The scope of what he had lost crashed all around him; his eyes were squeezed shut, thinking that this couldn't be happening to him, not here, not now, not after all that had already happened.

He had already lost his grandfather, father, mother and that unborn, unnamed little younger brother or sister of his all those years ago and now he had lost the only person who had ever carved a space in his heart. He had lost the girl of his dreams. The girl he had tried so hard to protect had died protecting him. In the end, he had brought his bad luck upon her as well.

Zixi didn't think he could look at her again, but he forced his eyes open. He lets out another colossal wail as her body, once so vibrant, so happy, so alive, lays still on the floor, her beautiful head tilted to one side. He removed her bangs that had fallen on her forehead, soft and fine as silk, and when she didn't react, he began to cry.

His breath comes in stutters, he made choking noises but no tears escaped his eyes. His voice became hoarse after calling her name repeatedly. Her body still felt warm to the touch. He grasped it between his arms and kissed her face over and over again.

Why hadn't he told her his feelings earlier? Why hadn't he spent more time with her? Why had he tried to hide his identity from her? She told him just a few minutes ago that he was the light in her dark world. If it hadn't been for the circumstances, would she never have disclosed her feelings to him? How lamentable that both of them had been afraid to give voice to their thoughts and emotions before this and now, she was out of his reach. They had been so near yet so far from each other all these years.

Zixi stared at her lifeless figure and cried with renewed anguish. Her eyes were staring at him with a dull, pale colour. They didn't have their usual vibrancy in them. His girl was gone. She had left him behind like everybody else. She said she couldn't bear to leave him behind and that was why she had returned to this god forsaken place, so why did she leave him behind in death? How was he supposed to survive from now on? Who would tell him to meet her at nine o' clock sharp in the morning? Who would ask him to taste their bland food again? Who would look at him with a twinkle in their eye and ask him if he was alright?

What would he say to uncle?How would he explain to him that his daughter had been killed trying to do something she shouldn't have? How would he face the person who had been his safe harbour all these years? Would uncle even talk to him ever again once he realised that he had lost his precious daughter due to him?

Zixi started screaming again, the screams became a way to release all the pain he couldn't voice that he felt inside. The pain intensified with every passing second, tearing at his soul. What had he done to deserve this? He asked himself this question knowing that it was all in vain, that the answer would never come to him.

Her body seemed to grow colder with every minute passing as if it had never felt any warmth. To think he was the cause of her death. He, Xun Zixi or better yet Young Master of the Qin family had been the reason for the death of the love of his life, he who had always tried to protect her from any harm, he who would have given up his life in exchange for her's in a heartbeat was the cause of her death.

If only, he hadn't over estimated himself and tried to make even with that old geezer. He had waited for so long, he should have been patient, he shouldn't have tried to conclude things so hastily.

He pondered going the same way as his love, he could follow her in death. It would be so easy. This thought calmed him a little. He tried to look at his surroundings and found the gun just a few paces away from him. He reached and picked it up with one of his hands. Looking at the gun made him realise that he could just end it all.

No more worries.

No more duties.

No more promises to keep.

No more this gut - wrenching and soul searing pain.

He was all alone in this world now. He had killed the person responsible for his family's massacre so he didn't need to think about anything else. He could welcome the oblivion of death with peace. With this knowledge, he bent over her body, trying to keep it warm, trying to give it some warmth with human contact. But it seemed impossible and wasted on her. The heat from her body seemed to be almost all gone now.

Zixi turned the gun towards himself but before he could pull the trigger, it was snatched away from his hand. He could feel someone trying to shake him, a pair of hands seemed to rest on his shoulders but he shrugged them away and curled himself over her body.

A few seconds later he felt the same pair of hands under his arms, trying to lift him up but that would mean leaving her body so he didn't move. He couldn't leave her. He didn't want to leave her. He wanted to stay with her. More importantly, he wanted to die with her.

Who was this person who was disrupting him again and again? Zixi tried to look behind him but he couldn't see anything. Had his eyesight gone blurry? No, not blurry. He was crying. It was his veneer of tears. He couldn't see much past them.

He felt too tired from everything that had happened today, too weak from all the crying and screaming and collapsing, and he felt himself being pulled away from her. ”No” he yelled, in a strangled cry that resembled nothing like what he normally sounded like. ”No, no. Let me stay with her.”

He didn't want to care about the other person, whoever they might be. What did it matter to him? He didn't care anymore. Zixi just wanted to be left alone with her. He had given up on himself. What was the point of living, when the person he loved was gone? He didn't have any other blood related family anyway.

Zixi again felt his shoulders being shaken by someone. He was starting to get pissed off at this person so he shouted, ”Go away. Leave us alone.” The other person replied to him but he couldn't hear their words. It was as if they were speaking from too far away.

Slowly the voice started to talk to him. It had an urgent tone to it? He pondered what could be urgent now whenever everything had already collapsed?

Wait.

He knew that voice.

He could recognise it.

He had heard it so many times.

He had always felt the voice to be grating on his ears.

That voice would always call his girl princess here and princess there all the time?

It irritated him beyond measure and here it was again trying to disrupt him.

He looked up and stopped screaming the same denial again and again. Oh yes, he was right in his guess. Staring him in the face was Li Rong. He opened his mouth to tell him to leave them well alone, but no sound came out.