71 Dreamer (1/2)

Li looked at Sylvie, at how her hazy red eyes seemed to glimmer, suspended in a tense space between care and caution. Care at how much she wanted to help Li, and caution because she knew nothing of him. For all she knew, she had just opened herself up to an even stronger rejection than before, but despite that, she wanted to help.

”I'll admit it was wrong of me to keep thinking in terms of you wanting to use me,” said Li. He leaned his back against the room's wooden wall, his head tilting up a little as he went into remembering.

”Alright, as an apology, I'll explain what I meant, and with it, what I remember about my past. And yes, I do remember some things, but don't expect any vivid details. I'm not lying when I say none of it will help you.”

Li caught Sylvie perk up, her face brightening and her breath catching in her throat. She had obviously expected to have her offer to help decline again. In a way, it had been. There was no real honest way he could answer her. He had no true memories of a past in this world, but at the least, he could tell her what he meant when he gave her advice.

”I don't like to give advice about things when I myself haven't experienced it. It feels empty otherwise, like throwing out a meaningless platitude the same way so many people told me 'It'll get better' when my parents passed despite never having faced the same kind of loss.” Li did not sound bitter. His voice was neutral, merely remembering, almost lecturing.

Sylvie nodded. ”Yet you wished to give me advice. Then you understand what it feels like? To give all your pieces away so that others can be whole?”

Li arched a brow. She did not try neither to console him nor pry about mentioning his parents' death. Despite how curious she usually was, she did have tact.

”In a way,” said Li. ”I'll tell you about my parents. Their memories, at the least, I will never forget, no matter how many ages pass or how I change. I sacrificed everything for them. I spent the height of my youth studying and working and studying and working every hour of the day, late into every night until there were sometimes where the dark just blended into the morning without me even realizing.”

Li did not give any specifics about his past. He knew that none of it would be helpful to Sylvie because it had happened in a different world, but at the least, it would let her understand his state of mind, and with it, perhaps she would come to know that he wasn't the type of person she should be wasting her time seeing as someone more than a friend.

”When I could have been making lifelong friends or finding love like everyone around me, I worked so that I could make them proud.”

”And do you regret that?” said Sylvie. She sat on the open chest, balancing expertly along its thin edge.

Li shook his head. ”Of course not. I willingly sacrificed myself because I knew they had sacrificed themselves, their time, their life, their health, everything, for me. If I had another take at my life, I would change nothing. I truly appreciated them, and I would give everything for them again. But I am not an idealist either.

I knew what it cost me. When my parents grew ill, I was still a young man. But I hated to see how the world had become. How so many people my age around me just threw their parents away, boarded them up or conveniently forgot about them. I could never do that, so I took them under my own roof when they couldn't move and they coughed up more blood than air.

Any free time I had, it was spent on making sure they were living out the last chapters of their lives with as much comfort as they could. Where others were out drinking with their friends or making their dreams come true, I gave it all up so that when my parents passed, they could go with a smile.

All the wealth I had, I couldn't spend it on anything, and I never even thought to, because what was money in front of making sure that my loved ones were happy?

Which brings me to my point.”

Li crossed his arms and nodded to Sylvie. ”When my parents did pass, I was nothing. I realized I had spent so many years living for them that I had no idea how to live for myself. I had filled my life with taking care of them, and when they were gone, there was nothing, just a mass of unrealized dreams and confusion.

When you have that kind of hole in your chest, you try and fill it up with whatever you can. I had money, so I did whatever I could, buying up the newest, most expensive, shiniest little trinkets, drinking, women, you name it, I did it. But the pieces you throw out are unique. You can never get them back or buy new ones that are exactly the same.

You'll always be hollow.”

Sylvie paused, taking the words in. ”And you believe me on the same path?”

”Maybe.” Li shrugged. When he looked at Sylvie or Jeanne, he saw them almost like children in need of guidance. This was a somewhat new feeling, and probably associated with the fact that it seemed like divine entities here were guiding forces. ”Depends on how you decide to live your life. I just wanted to explain my words and give you a little piece of my past, just as you wanted. I figured this was a way to do both at the same time.”