34 Chapter 12 (1/2)

”Forget regret, or life is yours to miss” – Jonathan Larson

October 2nd 2013; 11:47am

Avian had not been in school for the past week and I couldn't shake the sick feeling that it was all my fault.

What was wrong with me?

He had been understanding when I told him that I was not ready to talk about what had happened the night I had called him to pick me up, so why couldn't I have been just as understanding?

My heart clenched and I dropped my head onto the table dejectedly.

Why couldn't I just have shut up when he said he did not want to talk about it? Why couldn't I just let go?

I repeat, what the hell is wrong with me?

I groaned as I gathered up my stuff, extremely glad to be done with my physics class. Honestly, I didn't see the point in learning how the speed of light affected its direction or how when you looked into some sort of glass, you could see the rainbow's colors.

At least not while I was a walking disaster.

I sighed, and put on my jacket, before placing my bag on my shoulder.

”You won't have homework today so just read the chapter on energy, time, and power for next class” our teacher called out as students shuffled eagerly out the door, clearly glad to be rid of the last two hours of torture.

Thank heavens.

I pushed my chair in and followed the rest of my classmates out the door, only going in the opposite direction. Instead of heading towards the cafeteria for lunch, where I probably had to explain to Rain and Angel why I had ignored their calls and text messages, I headed towards one of the school's exits that I knew would hardly have any curious people asking me questions.

I tucked my bangs behind my left ear and let out a low breath, before glancing out the large floor-to-ceiling windows that lined the hallway I was currently headed down.

Slowing to a stop, I gazed down at the large running track and patch of green grass used for sports.

The football team was on the field practicing; there were some people running laps, and some were throwing around the ball, practicing plays, or just fooling around.

I glanced at the sky blankly, watching the water droplets that fell from it stick to the window and roll down, as though the drops of water were trying to drag the glass down with it.

It was drizzling.

I glared at the sky in annoyance, trying to decide if the rain was a blessing or just another curse in very good disguise.

”Stupid rain” I muttered, blowing a strand of hair out my face, before crossing my arms over my chest and letting out another sigh.

”You never hated the rain before,” I heard a voice next to me say. I turned quickly, half of me instantly regretting that decision, and the other half partially glad I had.

Alex stood there with a playful smile on his face and his hands tucked into his pockets. He was wearing a plaid sweater and a pair of black pants, complete with low-heeled dress shoes.

I had always wondered why he dressed so formally; maybe because it was just a part of who he was or it could be the fact that it was expected of the math athletes to dress that way. His hair had been tousled recently, probably one of his friends messing with him, and memories of my hands running through those same locks flooded through me.

I swallowed.

Either way, his entire look was one that I had once fallen in love with.

Now, I could not decide if I loved it or if I felt like stripping his clothes off of him and burning them.

Avian's expensive but worn jeans and t-shirts with band names scrawled across the front flashed through my mind.

I sighed.

”If I remember correctly, you love rain.”

”I don't hate it,” I said, slowly glancing back out onto the field to watch the team practice, even though they were getting drenched by the second. Wasn't there a possibility that they would get sick with the flu or something, after staying out so long under the rain?

They didn't seem to be bothered by it though.

I turned to Alex.

”I just don't see the point of it anymore”

Alex didn't answer but instead came to stand beside me in silence. I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes, before slowly trailing my eyes down his shoulders to his hands that were currently balled in fists as though he were fighting off some unwanted emotion.

The longer I stared at him, the stronger the urge to grab those hands and hold them in mine grew.

Instantly, I shut down any feelings towards the boy standing next to me and folded my arms against my chest.

”Remember that time we were dared to go skinny dipping?” Alex said suddenly, leaning on the glass we stood close to. He crossed his arms and turned his attention to me.

I dragged my attention from the football practice going on, to the boy standing in front of me.

I remembered that; the lake had been freezing but we didn't mind. I don't think we even cared. We swam for hours, completely forgetting the reason we had gone out there in the first place.

Smiling, I turned back to the football team that was still shoving each other and running around in the mud.

”We were at Justin's cabin up in the woods and it started raining” he muttered, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I laughed at the memory, a wave of nostalgia hitting me then.

I remembered that the lot of us, including the whole football team and some of their girlfriends, myself, Alex, Lolita, Rain, Angel, and even Diana had gone up to Justin's family's cabin for spring break last year.

I also remembered that it had been one of the most fun and amazing vacations we had had together.

”We did it anyway,” I murmured with a smile, and Alex broke into a huge grin, clearly glad I was reminiscing with him ”we went swimming anyways”

”After a while, you decided that you did not want to get out of the water,” he said, slowly running his hands through his hair, ”you said that you just wanted to…”

”Stay in that moment forever,” I cut him off and turned my gaze to him, before letting out a sigh.

He smiled then, not a happy this-is-fun smile but a sad kind of what-happened-to-us smile.

Slowly, he reached down, my eyes following his hands, and unlocked my arms from where they were crossed against my chest, before taking one of my hands in his. I stared at our hands then as he slowly intertwined them, a familiar feeling rushing through me.

My heartbeat sped up then, and the same warm feeling that I had gotten when Avian had held my hand surged through me as well.

I groaned inwardly.

How could I have butterflies for two different boys?

What did that even mean?

I looked up into his eyes, the same ocean blue eyes that I had once been completely vulnerable to, and probably still was, and wondered what on earth I was doing to both Alex and myself.

Why was I leading him on?

Rain had already told me that he still loved me, and even though for some weird reason I had been glad to hear that, I wasn't sure how I felt anymore. I wasn't sure if I wanted to love him the same way I once did.

A couple of months ago, I would have said that I loved him automatically without even blinking.

Now, I had the thing with Lolita, which I wasn't ready to talk about with him, and another boy I was currently infatuated with; a boy with dark brown hair and deep brown eyes.

A boy that was currently mad at me.

”I don't need this” Avian's angry voice rang in my head.