Chapter 191 The Weightlessness of Human Selfishness (2/2)

Seeing Phillip was almost more painful than seeing his mother. With his mother he'd only had to wave goodbye, he only heard about her death and accepted that she was now a part of his past. But with his father…Rassa had watched him die. He'd sat back with the knowledge that he could have given him another life and watched the life leave his father's body. Seeing Phillip again, smiling and warm, Rassa felt that perhaps he hadn't been selfish enough. If all these people had left him, where was his family? And worst of all, for most of them it had been his choice. It has been his choice to push them away not theirs. Would they have accepted him for what he was had he allowed them to make the choice instead? The question nagged at him, and eventually, having no one else to ask, Rassa sought Phillip out after his mother had gone to bed.

”Father?”

”Rassa, shouldn't you be in bed?”

”I'm okay,” Rassa said as he sat beside his father who was smoking out the front of their cottage. Rassa sat still for a moment, then decided he may as well get straight to the point, ”Can I ask you a question?”

”Of course,” Phillip replied, ”I don't know why you'd need to ask permission, go ahead”.

”Well…” Rassa started, ”Imagine you'd done something unforgiveable, something that you needed to do but that isolated you from everyone else”.

”Okay,” Phillip said, looking at Rassa to continue.

”Well, there are a few of your loved ones that still treat you the same as much as they can under the circumstances because they love you, but one by one you drive them away because you fear something bad will happen to them if they stay with you,” Rassa said, ”In that situation, imagine if one of them actually got hurt and you could save them thanks to that unforgiveable thing you'd done, but by doing so they could become unforgiveable themselves and therefore the way they look at you could change…would you still save them, or would you let them go so that they wouldn't have to suffer the burden like you?”

Phillip frowned a moment as he turned away to look up at the sky, ”It sounds like quite the complicated situation you've conjured up there. What brought this on?”

Rassa sighed, leaning his head back, ”I don't know, I guess I just got bored and thought too hard trying to remember. But still, what would you do?”

”Well, I'm not entirely sure,” Phillip replied, ”Of course I would not want them to suffer burdens if I loved them. But I almost think it is too selfish of me to make that decision for them”.

Rassa looked at his father for a moment, ready to admit to himself that he'd known it all along, that he'd been too selfish, then Phillip spoke again.

”Or perhaps the selfish part is the loved one treating me in the same way,” Phillip replied, ”After all if I've committed something unforgiveable clearly I am not the same as I was. Wouldn't treating me like I was be the same as hoping I haven't changed at all? It's almost the loved one's own fault in that sense. But that sounds wrong as well. Perhaps they are both at fault for assuming”.

Rassa looked up at the stars as he considered his father's words. The night sky and the moon were peaceful, but the serenity he felt in this moment was that of a human, a man who was listening to the advice of his father.

”But, in the end, despite there being two individuals in the equation it only takes one to make a decision. Everything that happens after that is a reaction to that decision,” Phillip said, ”It's why you should consider the consequences before you make decisions”.

”But you can't possibly consider every consequence,” Rassa said.

Phillip nodded, ”You're right. That would be impossible. It's why, when you are the one to make decisions, you should do so only when you are ready to accept the burdens. If I committed something unforgiveable, clearly I was ready to accept those burdens, even if my loved ones were not”.

”What if you weren't ready?” asked Rassa.

”Then I likely wouldn't have had a clear enough head to make the selfless decision to spare my loved ones from the same burden,” Phillip said, turning to look at Rassa. For a split second, Rassa felt as if Phillip knew exactly what Rassa was talking about. But that was impossible, in this illusion, those events he remembered had never happened.

Phillip smiled then as he put out his pipe, ”It's like your mother making dough. You have to know the right moments to push and pull in order to get the best results”.

Phillip stood and walked towards the door, ”Get some rest, Rassa. Don't spend too long delving too deep in those thoughts of yours or you'll miss the times to make those important decisions you seem to dwell on so much”.

Rassa gave a small smile in reply, nodding in acknowledgement. He spent another hour in silence, just staring up at the stars before he finally decided that what he'd done for his father was a mercy. What he'd done for Jane was a mercy. But here, he no longer held those burdens.

That night, his human thoughts became a little more selfish than the Vampiric ones he'd left behind.