Chapter 56 - Memories (2/2)

I promise to make you happy!

Like this colorful gift,

I promise to make our life exquisite!

-

Eshan

*

*

I sighed heavily, the emptiness in my heart only increased, yet I was putting myself through it. Reading his words was pure torture because now the meaning behind his words was much deeper, more intimate. Those were the words of the man for his woman— the woman he loved. The burden of them now only weighed me down with sheer guilt.

Wiping the single tear that rolled on my cheek, I forced myself to flip the page. I had written exactly what occurred on the flight. The heat slowly traveled in my face as the memory of that scene slowly played in my mind.

*

”Mi querida esposa, I love seeing you amused. You are irresistible when you have this...” unwinding his hand that had kept my palm holding closer to him, he drew a circle in the air with his index finger, ”this ethereal smile that says to me time and again, that you are not from this world.”

*

I had no idea what forced me to write it exactly the way he said it, but I did it anyway. The adoration in his eyes, his teasing smile never made sense then but it did now. He cared for me openly without voicing his feelings for once, giving me an ample amount of time to adjust with him and what did I do?

Blinking back the tears, I gulped the air holding myself back from breaking down. With shaky fingers, I turned the pages till his words from our first night in Mumbai came in the picture.

*

”Just don't drift away from me. I understand everything is new... I am unable to put it in the words, but I feel horrible when I am not able to help you. I feel worthless, and I do not like that feeling. I have told you, and I am telling you again, I love the beautiful smile on your face. I do not like to see the worry, panic, or fear in your these eyes. I hate the idea of anything causing you pain. I am not sure what triggers those sorts of reactions from you, and no, you do not need to tell me. All I am asking is to try to trust me. I know it isn't easy, but it's not that difficult either.”

*

I had unintentionally shut him out many times, and that day too I wouldn't have mentioned my cynophobia. However, I did. I might not have been totally honest with him, but I didn't lie either. I just did not tell the truth.

The heaviness in my chest only grew stronger; I felt someone was stabbing my heart with the knife. The pain intensified, so did my longing, grief, and guilt. Closing my eyes, I brought my knees to my chest and clutched the diary near my heart. Silent tears flew freely through my closed eyelids while my heart ached for him.

*

”I never asked you, are you comfortable with this intimacy of us? I want you to set the pace of our relationship. I don't want to rush you into anything. Hmm? So?”

”This is not wrong. We being close to each other is not wrong. You do not have to feel guilty for touching or admiring something that is rightfully yours.”

”The matter of importance is, I am all ours. Yours to do whatever you want, just like you are mine. That being said, you don't have to feel uncomfortable before me, you don't have to avoid my gaze. I will never do anything that will make you uncomfortable”

”Innaya, it's your heart exploring the new change don't let your mind put the barrier across your wants. Let your heart and mind be united, and follow the path you feel right. Don't deny yourself the happiness you deserve.”

”I am saying the truth. Believe me or not but you are my fairy, who puts me to sleep every night. I missed my fairy.”

*

His words rang in my ear, and I knew I did not need to read them. I knew everything by heart now. Recalling everything only resulted in the pain, yet I welcomed that pain.

Maybe, because Eshan thought I deserved it. I had no idea what he thought of me now. It felt as if he hated me because not for once he called me from the past one and half months.

I could have borne his anger, his indifference, his silence, but he did nothing. He just left me as if everything ended.

Maybe, it did.

Who would forgive and forget such an incident? He was after all human being, he had his limits too.

Maybe, I never deserved any happiness. I was cursed just like they said. I was a bad omen, who brought bad luck and destruction with herself.

Maybe, we were never meant to be. I should just let go of hope. I had tried finding him everywhere, but I couldn't. His friends were not ready to talk to me, Arjun avoided talking to me, and then how was I meant to find him. I felt so alone.

Controlling myself with great difficulty, I composed myself. I picked up the pen, lying near my feet before I let my emotions guide that pen for the last time.