Chapter 1026 (2/2)

“Patterns shift but the mindless instinct does not. Constantly protecting, constantly changing to face new threats, never bothering to stop and think what lies at the end of this Path. And now you truly believe you are capable of making a place where your people will be safe?”

Strangely, Randidly heard Azriel’s words from that small courtyard coming back to him.

“The sort of world that you can create by being good at fighting… isn’t that what we have already earned?”

Randidly felt exhausted. He looked at Lyra and just shrugged. He refused to admit that he didn’t know the answer to her question. But no matter how much Randidly wished he could, he wasn’t able to simply answer in the affirmative.

Lyra’s violet eyes flickered. “You need to stop acting from instinct. Randidly... what do you want? Not to survive, not to help the Earth survive. Nothing related to survival. I don't want to hear about your struggle; I want to see you be fucking vulnerable. Be a real person. Be someone that... reaches for something that you don't need to possess in order to survive.

Spreading her arms wide, Lyra seemed to be begging him to say something with her eyes. Then she brought her hands together and offered them to Randidly. “Reach for something you might not be able to get. Something that will hurt not to have but that you can live without. That's what being human is. You think it's hard to trust ME? How do you think it feels to interact with someone who is only nominally human?

”If there is something you truly desire... I can be there for you. Just ask for my help. Tell me your dreams and I can...”

Lyra trailed off. Randidly stared at her.

What I want…?

It was a dumb question, especially now. Time slowly ticked past as the two looked at each other. But that helplessness was back. Gritting his teeth, Randidly took a step toward Lyra. He didn’t have time for this. He wasn’t in the Dungeon anymore. He couldn’t indulge in these pointless thought experiments. Right now, he needed…

As Randidly opened his mouth to ask something, Lyra cut in before he could speak. ”If you don't yearn for something... you are just a tool. And no matter how convincing it may be to other people, being a tool isn't being alive. No one was ever saved by a tool. Just by the person using it.”

Then Lyra was gone, vanished in a whisper of fabric. After several seconds of silence, Nathan muttered something and hurried out of Randidly's workroom.

Which left Randidly alone in the dark. Obviously, he could have snapped his fingers and filled the room with the emerald light of the Ignition Essence, but he didn't. Hell, he could probably generate enough friction with a snap of his fingers to start a real flame.

But he didn’t. He just stood in the dark of the workshop with only the dim ambient light from failed Engravings to keep himself company.

”Why can’t our fights ever make sense,” Randidly muttered darkly. In the aftermath, all his frustrations about the Engraving were tightly entwined with his anger and embarrassment toward Lyra. Because some part of Randidly knew that she was right about one thing: he couldn't have it both ways. If Lyra was damned by her decision to side with the Creature... Randidly was damned for his decision to kill Ki-Kunot.

But Randidly knew it wasn't about being damned or not; even he could admit that he still had to bear the guilt of that decision every day. Even thinking about it now, a tremor ran through his Crown of Upheaval and Gloom Skill. Which, now that there was a fracture within the Skill, was actually quite painful. A small bit of karma that constantly nagged at him.

Scars from an emotional wound that hadn’t been able to heal right.

No, the issue came back to trust. It was easy for Randidly to consider his own feeling and conclude that he could trust himself. Yet when it came to Lyra, the issue was nearly impossible to resolve.

I walked into the meeting with Chulroon knowing it could be a trap, but trusting the image I sensed around the place, Randidly reflected. But the image around Lyra... it is so similar to the Creature's I can't just...

”Fuck me,” Randidly muttered. Idly, he picked up one of his failed attempts at Engraving and spun it in his hand. He shouldn't be this affected by this. He had already resigned himself to staying distant from Lyra. He had accepted in his heart that despite her methods, she at least was trying to help the Earth. That was supposed to be the new normal for their relationship. Independent, sometimes at odds, but ultimately both fighting for the good of Earth.

And now… as for her second argument that had completely taken them off of the rails.

”What do I want, huh...?” Randidly sighed. ”Obviously, I just want...”

But Randidly couldn't answer the question. Not with anything more meaningful than protecting Earth from the System. And why wasn’t that enough?

Just as he had found in the Dungeon after he had spent almost eight months there, without the constant demands of necessity, Randidly lost something precious. While he was within the Dungeon, he had done his best to incorporate persistence in the absence of necessity into his images. But Randidly had been so long shaped by need that it was difficult to put a name to his emotions without it.

Perhaps that why Lyra's words had so stilled him, Randidly reflected. Because what he heard in her trembling voice was genuine concern. She was worried about him. Which was infuriating. Which was confusing.

No matter how convincing it is... being a tool isn't being alive.

”Bah,” Randidly threw his bracer sidearm against the wall. With a clang, it rebounded off the wall and skittered across the floor to spin slowly to a stop t his feet. Strangely, Randidly was incredibly incensed by this unconscious act of defiance by the bracer. A vein in his temple throbbed.

”You are just a tool,” Randidly hissed. He raised his foot to stomp down and destroy the offending object. But then Randidly paused.

”Being a tool isn't being alive,” Randidly said aloud, feeling the shape of the words in his mouth. Licking his lips, Randidly crouched down and picked the bracer up with a trembling right hand.

”...if to Level is to live...” Randidly said wonderingly. ”Then it's not enough to just give the Engraving a powerful image to give it shape. Even if it can grow, there is a limit to its growth because it's practically random.”

Randidly's eyes were emerald fire even as he knew he was distracting himself from an important issue. ”...because it needs a why. Because to create something living, it can't just serve a purpose. It also must want.”

It also must yearn, Randidly thought sadly. But he quickly banished that thought. And he got back to work.