29 Her Thoughts (1/2)

I threw myself onto the massive bed, sinking into the mountain of pillows. My chest felt tight, complicated, excited, relieved, nervous... too many emotions to name. I felt raw, stripped to the bone and laid bear. I had told Julian everything. And he... he had believed me. I was certain. He had to have believed me.

I shoved my face into a pillow. I didn't want to wait for him. I wanted to talk to him, to listen to his story now that he knew mine. I remembered his large arm gripping me around the waist to hold me back and force him to believe me. My skin still felt strange, almost heated from his touch. And the gaze he had turned on me, that made me decide to tell him everything... I felt my heart flutter at the memory.

I wanted to see that face again.

The cynical, realistic part of me reminded me of all the times he had rejected me. Of all the times he hadn't believed me for one thing or another in one long, streaming list. It forced the image of Mia on Julian's arm, wearing my necklace into the front of my brain. ”Yes, he believed you this time, but will he keep believing you?” it said. ”He's probably with her right now.”

I shoved my face deeper into the pillow. Alright, so maybe I shouldn't be so relieved. But this should change something... shouldn't it?

I know I shouldn't blindly believe Julian would just overnight become a more receptive and affectionate person. I also knew that he wasn't as cold as he usually seemed. So many things didn't line up. The Julian who smiled at me, held me, and wiped my tears (and the one who cried when I died) was one side to him, while the other Julian, the Julian who acted coldly, who had left me alone on our wedding night in so many of my lives, and who hid numerous parts of my past from me, was another side.

Two sides, two seemingly different men, but both were my husband whether I liked it or not. The first side was the side that initially I had fallen in love with so long ago, before I became trapped by this endless loop of marriage. The second side is what drove me running from him when I traveled or avoided him in past lives.

Maybe after explaining my reincarnations to him... telling him not only my past, but our potential future, I could learn more about why he was so divided. That was what started me down this path in the first place in this life. I had seen Julian crying, sparking the memories I had from before my many deaths, of the Julian I used to truly love, who had made me laugh and had brought me so much joy. Though this Julian wouldn't remember that life, perhaps I could ask him why he, of all people, would cry over my death, now that I had explained I could remember previous lives. The man I had spoken to today might be able to explain, even if only a little.

The cynical me could just shut up and let me be happy for a moment.

I didn't know when Julian would be coming back. He'd said only vaguely that we'd talk more ”tomorrow,” which basically meant he wouldn't be home until after I'd fallen asleep.

I pulled myself up from the bed. As if I could sleep! Sure, I'd had a very emotional day and I did feel drained, but there was no way I could wait until tomorrow to ”talk properly.” I would just have to stay awake.

I moved into our massive closet and began taking off the gorgeous silver dress I'd worn. I laid it on the bench in the center of the room. Ileana would know what to do with it. It was a dress I could wear only for special occasions. I felt myself flush at how bold I had been tonight. Had things gone as planned, Julian and I would be having a very different evening. Things hadn't worked out the way I'd been thinking they would... but maybe that was alright.

I fanned my flaming cheeks and began pulling pins from my long hair. There was no sense thinking about that right now. I'd accomplished my mission, one way or another. Even if I hadn't seduced my husband in the way I'd wanted, I could say I had at least planted a seed of doubt in his mind towards Mia. If this didn't stop their affair, I wasn't sure what would.