Chapter 99 (2/2)

“Hi, Allen. Of course, I didn’t. I was going to go there now.”

“Really? That’s great. Then, you can leave with me right away. ”

When I was preparing to leave the office earlier than usual after finishing practicing, Allendis came to see me at the office. Carsein wasn’t there because he went back home first after being called by the duke urgently.

‘Perhaps he was called over the matter of his brother Sir Lars.’

As it caused such a sensational event, his father might want to hear the details from Carsein who witnessed it all.

“What are you thinkin about, Tia?”

“Ah, Sir Lars and Princess Frincia. Did you hear about it, Allen? ”

“Huh. I heard. The administration was not upset because of it.There was a big fuss within the imperial government because of Sir Lar’s proposal.” “I see. Isn’t it great? How can he propose in a public place?”

While walking outside the palace, I chatted with Allendis about various topics.

When I got out of the palace and walked a little further, I arrived at the commercial district, the nobles’ residential area. But three days after the official festival period was over, there were few going around in those areas. According to Allendis, I should go a little further and enter the district where the commoners live to see the festival on the last day. As it was very far from the palace, he and I had to walk for a long time. I passed by that district while riding in a wagon, but I had never been there personally, so I was very excited to know how the common people lived.

Suddenly, he and I became silent. I found it hard to break the silence first, so I walked silently for a while. I saw a gray shadow hanging on the well-paved road.

When I moved one step at a time, I looked at the shadow moving with me together and raised my right hand. The shadow also raised its right hand. When I tilted my head, the shadow shook its head. While I was looking at the shadow following me to the end, I recalled the memories of the past. No matter how hard I tried to erase them, or replace them with better memories, the shadow of my past memories that I wanted to forget persistently followed me.

“What are you doing, Tia?”

“Oh, Allen.”

Allendis, walking with me side by side, was looking at me with a puzzled look. I momentarily wondered whether to speak to him, then asked him a question. How would he behave in a situation like this as someone who remembered everything he saw and heard vividly?

How would he overcome it if he was in the same situation as me?

“Allen, how can anyone escape from his or her shadow?”

“Um. Well, like this?” After agonizing for a moment, he pulled me to the shade. When I was completely under the shade, the shadow following me was no longer visible, as Alendis said. But that didn’t seem to be a fundamental solution.

I said with a little sigh, “It’s a temporary solution. You can’t escape the sunlight forever. ”

“Right. But Tia… ”

“Huh?”

“If the shadow can think, wouldn’t it be sad? Denying a shadow is like denying the existence of the shadow from its point of view, right?”

Really? If I deny the memories of the past, does it mean that I am denying everything about the old me in the past? Just because it was difficult to live with the memories of the past, and because it was difficult to continue to embrace me in those days, I decided to ignore the old me and move forward. Although I decided to ignore it, the memories of the past came to me often and tormented me. In order to overcome the past and confront the shadows that keep following me, do I have to embrace all the difficult memories of the past?

It has been so hard for me for the past four years. It would be more painful if I had to embrace all the memories of the past. After all, is there no other way than that? Should I embrace all the memories of the past and the shadows of the past that I want to forget in order not to deny my existence?

“… I envy the shadow. ”

“Huh? Why do you think so, Allen? ”

“Well, the shadow is so comfortable, isn’t it? It doesn’t have any expression, nor does it need to talk.”

“Um.”

“You know, all the shadow needs to do is to stay silent. No one is telling the shadow to reveal itself.”

“But wouldn’t it be too frustrating?”

“You don’t have to think about it, and you are envious because there is no one to show you? You envy the shadow because it can stay silent and it doesn’t need to reveal itself?” When I replied, tilting my head, Allendis smiled bitterly. I also smiled a bit sadly.

A shadow that can’t be separated from me, and our different interpretation of it.

‘Does Allendis have a shadow, too? If the shadow is a memory of the past that I want to escape, what does it mean to him?’

“Whew, we’re going to be late, Tia. It’s the last day. We need to see various stuff. Hurry up,” he spoke with a sign.

“Oh, yes. Let’s go. ”

I resumed walking, seeing eye to eye with him. Two long shadows stretched under the autumn sun walked along the road with us.