53 Conflicting Thoughts (1/2)

Akash reached home early. He parked the car in the garage and walked toward the house. When he reached the house, the main door is open but there is no one to welcome him. He entered into the house and found maid doing cleaning work in the main hall. He nodded at maid with a smile and walked past her toward the stairs to his room.

When Akash reached into the room, he did not see Varsha there. He also checked the washroom and no sign of Varsha. He felt fearful whether she really has fallen ill seriously and is taken to the hospital. He prayed to god silently and pulled his phone out from the pocket to call Ira. He opened the balcony door and walked out and put his phone to his ears. But soon his anxiousness disappeared when he saw her sitting in the garden beside the stream, her back facing toward him.

He removed his phone away and pressed the call end button. He stood motionless and looked at her. She is sitting beside the stream like a statue, looking ahead immersed in some thoughts.

Varsha is still sad and remembered that he once told her to be more presentable in terms of what she wears. He said that she should do so because she is his wife and she represents his image. She was very happy to hear something like this from him. She does not know why all those things seem like a dream. She is afraid that those things will not repeat again because she does not know how should she face him without annoying him.

The best thing for a woman is to feel protected and be able to rely on her husband. But when she tried to tell her sorrow to him, he told her to solve her issues by herself. Thinking that she has to rely on herself gave her a feeling of heartbreak and loneliness.

She felt heartbroken and decides that whatever happens in life, she will never complain. She will always solve her own problems and if she can not, she will just bear with it. She really does not wish to think this way but how can she bear to complain again. His words are more hurtful. Her tears again started falling.

She did not know how long she kept thinking about different things. She could feel her tears flowing now and then. Finally, she wiped off her tears and laughed on herself for being a cry baby. But Akash can see from the balcony that she is crying. He can see her act of being in a daze and wiping her tears. He could feel how painful it must be for her to be rebuked in a way that he did. It was her first time when she asked him for something and that was to listen to her yet he failed her. He felt a strange type of restlessness inside himself.

Akash looked quietly from the balcony for some time. He thought of how a girl left her family to come into his family depending on him and he made her cry. She has always been obedient and always trying to please everyone. She just complained once to him and he rebuked her harshly. It was just an innocent act from her side but has become a rude awakening for her. He saw her wiping her tears and felt like something has torn his heart. A spontaneous outburst from him has caused her so much grief. He remembers that he has never done anything to make her happy but that girl who was always cheery no matter what is now crying because of him.

She might feel marrying him might have been a wrong choice. Suddenly this thought that Varsha might feel the decision to marry him wrong, made him feel uncomfortable. If Varsha feels this way, it means he is not caring and responsible enough and this thought is very unsettling to him. He brought the chair in balcony and started reading a book to disguise his action of looking at her.

After sometime Varsha controlled her emotions and washed her face in the stream and wiped it from her sash. Around 5:00 PM Ira also came back from college and joined her in the garden. Akash has been in the balcony for almost one and a half hours and his back is hurting sitting straight on the chair for so long. He stood up and started stretching his arm muscles.

This is when Varsha looked toward the balcony seeing some movement and found Akash looking at them. She got startled and turned her head in another direction. Akash could not help but smile from her shy action. Seeing that she is no longer alone, he went inside the room to take care of some of his work.

In the evening at the dinner table, the whole family is present. Varsha also joined and sat alongside Ira. Everyone is concerned about the health of Varsha. Akash is also concerned and that is why he is listening to the talk of everyone attentively.

Akash looked toward Varsha who is eating slowly. She has avoided looking toward Akash till now and her eyes are lowered on her plate. She looks extremely dispirited today. Now he found how good it was to see her stealing glances at him and waiting for him to say something. Even if he scolded her, she will always be happy. He wanted to ask her how is she feeling now but he felt like he can not talk to her. He felt guilty and unworthy.

Between her bites, Grandma asked ”How are you feeling Varsha dear?

Varsha raised her head and looked toward Grandma and smiled. She said ”Grandma! I am feeling much better than before.”

'Much better than before.' Hearing this Akash felt anxious. Does she not mind that he made her sad? Has she got over even without any explanation from him? How can she be feeling much better when her not feeling well is due to him.He has been always calm but this feeling is really unnerving to him. He looked at the face of Varsha and seeing no indication of a different meaning he felt a bit calmer but an unknown fear is born inside him.

”That is great to hear. By the way, try not to skip a meal even if you are not feeling well. Our body needs energy in any case. Skipping the meal is not an option.” Grandpa smiled and said.

Varsha looked toward Grandpa. Seeing the concerned face of Grandpa, she smiled and said: ”I will remember in future.”