41 For he was cruel (2/2)

”Think about this very carefully,” the phoenix huffed, her attitude still haughty even at the face of death. She would not be robbed of her pride, her majesty, nor her beauty.

”Sorry Auntie, but you can blame this guy here,” Yuan Xuelan nudged towards Peng Jipei. He had no sympathy towards her plight, and not even a flicker of hesitance impeded him from raising his blade.

And such was Yuan Xuelan's character, who slaved and poured his entire heart out to the people close to him but couldn't muster even a sliver of empathy to those he didn't. Liu Sumeng felt his chest stutter. Was he really going to allow the same mistakes to unfold before his eyes a second time? Was he really so foolish? There were so many things he had to protect Yuan Xuelan from, how could he forget that one of those things was Yuan Xuelan himself?

The Ivory Sword Saint caught his wrist before he could slaughter the helpless woman before them, ”Wait. Don't.”

Yuan Xuelan froze. The hand on his wrist burned worst than the phoenix's flames. As much as he wished to shake it off, he found that he couldn't. Dark eyes gazed at him and Yuan Xuelan suddenly felt that the Ivory Sword Saint's face was one that was too expressive and much too honest. His throat went dry and Yuan Xuelan shamefully hid his anxiety with a sneer, ”It's a bit too late for that, don't you think?”

Peng Jipei looked at them with confused panic, but he didn't say anything. Not yet.

”There is no need for this.” His grip on Yuan Xuelan's wrist tightened, ”Please.”

And though her very fate was being discussed, the phoenix also remained quiet.

Yuan Xuelan threw away the hand that held him back and bore his teeth at the Ivory Sword Saint. How dare he scold Yuan Xuelan? ”No need! Tell that to my idiot cousin, would you? Did you think I was doing this because I want to? Do you think me a cruel person?”

”You are cruel.” The words, a confession, were blunt. But Liu Sumeng's eyes were misty and trembling. And when Yuan Xuelan wanted to curse the man in front of him he found that he could only curse himself.

He glared at the Ivory Sword Saint and then he glared at his idiot cousin who got all of them into this stupid mess in the first place, ”Fine, whatever. You two deal with this yourselves!” He turned his back and stomped off in a huff. A storm roared inside of him, threatening to break free. Yuan Xuelan walked and kept walking until he found land that was snow-dusted once more. He walked until he could duck under the cover of trees, far enough so he didn't have to glimmer, didn't have hear Liu Sumeng, Peng Jipei and that damned phoenix.

An ugly hurt flared within, a betrayal that he could fault no one with.

Because Yuan Xuelan was cruel.

But he was loyal! Wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough to bid his life and will to his sword for those he loved? Wasn't it enough to be reliable, to be a protector, a shield? What more could they want from him? The feelings of compassion that could never bloom?

Yuan Xuelan sighed and leaned his back against the chilled trunk of a tall tree. The wind picked up and sent little needles into his skin. He hated the cold. When he was a child, Cao Sanmei almost abandoned him in a forest much like this one, with snow almost as tall as he. She found him cold, lost in a dense thicket of trees, his little hands frozen blue.

She held him crying with her breath stinking of wine, ”Your mother is sorry, please forgive this stupid woman. Oh, I'm so dumb, how could I lose my cute child in the woods? It's all that man's fault! If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been so careless. I wouldn't have drunk so much.”

Yuan Xuelan, eight, killed the man his mother kept wailing about, believing that she would no longer forget him in the snow. But Cao Sanmei only smiled at him and patted his head. And then she took him to the next town to run away from the officials. There, she found a new man to entangle with and a new reason to sob and drown in alcohol. Yuan Xuelan, ten, was sold off to the Chen family, the final act of a mother's warmth.

And perhaps he was the one that had been cruel, but Yuan Xuelan didn't see himself in the wrong. For he was loyal and he was kind to Cao Sanmei and to Chen Anyue. He was also loyal and kind to Peng Jipei. Was he not kind to Liu Sumeng as well? Maybe not at first but...

A deafening silence surrounded him. There were no footsteps coming to claim him, no one calling his name.