27 Resolve (2/2)

It took Hilde a few tries before she could get herself to speak. ”He said he had something to tell me,” she said, daring to hope despite knowing how useless her longed-for answer would be, now. ”Before he left for the northern border, he hinted that I should look forward to finally coming of age…”

Lothar had known how much she actually dreaded that time. While they were both underage, the two of them ”playing” was so relatively normal that it soon became unremarkable. But when the older boy's sixteenth birthday drew closer, Lord Alfwin himself had advised them to be circumspect about their sporadic lessons if they didn't want them stopped altogether.

Natural troublemakers both, they chose to continue in secrecy. By herself, Hilde had continued to practice in the open, but she and Lothar never again appeared in public together – at least, not while they were holding weapons.

Just what should she look forward to after her own sixteenth birthday? Could it have been an end to all the sneaking around? Given who else knew or suspected besides the Royal Physician and Lothar's friends, their efforts had not been effective anyway, but if not about that, she couldn't see how it would still matter, whatever ”it” was.

There was only one might-have-been that Hilde would welcome, and Lord Alfwin seemed to have understood this because he showed her a pitying smile.

”I'm afraid I have no clear knowledge of what had been in my son's heart,” he told her gently. Of course, the admission was no less crushing despite his care. ”His mind was an equally complex mystery, but that, at least, I could understand at times.” The Lord drew in a deep breath that strongly hinted of regret. Then he revealed, ”Princess, Lothar wanted you to receive formal training as a military officer.”

Hilde stared, her lips parted. This was news to her, and it was indeed something she would have looked forward to – very much so.

But Lord Alfwin was not done with the surprises.

”Prince Dieter had agreed,” he went on, making his listener's breathing stop. ”He meant to convince the Queen to allow it after you're of age.”

Hilde covered her mouth with a trembling hand. Her wide-open eyes stared at the Lord in utter disbelief. And just as she had no control over her shaking, she could not find the appropriate switch that could stop the surge of new emotions that this revelation had triggered.

The older man nodded slowly. ”Spare your brother a tear, child. The heavens knew he bore you no tenderness – that was his failing as a human. As a commander?” Lord Alfwin smiled. As he continued to speak, he stepped to one side to clear the way forward for her. ”He recognized the potential you possessed, your gender and his personal feelings notwithstanding. You might not have realized, Princess Hilde: Lothar could not have continued teaching you if his liege lord had not allowed it.”

She found it unfair that she should only know the better side of someone after they were gone. As she walked past the Lord, Hilde thought: this was her brother she was approaching. It was the son of her mother and father lying on that center bier, cold for how many days, killed while performing his duty as a Prince of Arnica.

Truthfully, she did not know if she could cry for him despite what she'd just learned. The years of bitterness and outright hate that existed between them made for too tall a mountain; it cannot be conquered in the span of a few moments.

But they were siblings, after all, not only in blood or name but also in deed. Every word she said back in the outlying village was sincere. Despite her own personal feelings, she respected the man her brother was, and she believed he really would have given her the chance to prove herself as both a soldier and an officer… had he lived.

Prince Dieter's already-pale face was made even more specter-like by death. Hilde etched in her memory the sight of him in his black armor, his hands holding the hilt of his sword over his chest. She laid her own hand over them, allowing the iciness to seep into her skin.

'I will continue the battles you can no longer fight, Brother,' she vowed. 'I will see you and your men avenged.'

She took her hand back and looked up at the ceiling; she breathed deeply through her mouth and, as she slowly exhaled, settled her body and spirit into calmness.

She then walked towards the bier to the right of her brother's, where Lord Alfwin already stood, her back to her. Step by quiet step, she saw more of the young man lying there, nearly as pale as the first, and just as rigid and cold.

His beloved face drained of life was not quite the destructive sight she had dreaded it to be. Crying beforehand had helped reduce the impact, but more than that, her newfound resolve was what had strengthened her shield.

Hilde had entered this House of Mourning wanting nothing more than to get the ordeal over with – in some ways hoping that afterwards, she might start to forget and somehow carry on with her life. Now, however, when she exits this building, she will have a more worthwhile purpose than simply living.

For one thing, she will be taking charge of her own future.

'I might yet marry one day,' she thought, addressing the man who was her greatest friend and champion. But no more. 'I accept this as a possible part of my duty. But as for love…' Hilde's heart clenched; her determination not to cry for him nearly faltered, but she pushed on. 'I'm afraid I've had enough of it, Lothar.' She stepped back from the bier and headed for the door. 'I will have you be the last.'