Chapter 55: We cannot see Tathagata (2/2)

I also looked at Zhou Yuan. After a long while, I asked, ”Zhou Yuan, what do you think?”

”Me? I have no idea. ” Zhou Yuan said nonchalantly, “It is the same for me as being alive, in a coma, or died. In the past I couldn't do what I wanted. I had to face all kinds of negations every single day, and play the part of not being my own in the eyes of others, but now that my soul isn't in my body, I don't even know who I am now. I'm just mechanically doing things that I don't like or hate. If I keep living in this way, there would be no difference to live one day or a hundred years. Maybe there is some difference, but not in me; it’s about how you think of me in your minds. You think that I suffer not because you feel sorry for me suffering, but because my situation is projected into your hearts, and is too far away from the way I am supposed to be living in your hearts. What you think as me is not really me. It’s the person you imagine in your minds. ”

”Jesus!” Yan said in a low voice, ”If I hadn't known about his current condition, then with his words just now, he would have basically turned into a Buddha!”

”That's right. But what a pity! We cannot see Tathagata if we want to allure him with our outside appearance or beg him with our voice.” Liu Shuai took over the conversation, ”A thought can make a person become a Buddha or a demon. You can't judge him just based on what he said. You must examine his motivations and desires, but Zhou Yuan already stopped thinking about it.”

The place was deathly silent for a long while.

”How could this be?” I looked down at the ground, shook my head, and muttered, ”Liu Shuai, how could this be? If we can't save Zhou Yuan, then what were we struggling for these past few days?”

I turned my head to Yan with my rims turning red. Yan was shocked by my appearance. ”We are only the most ordinary losers in this world. Why can't we live normally to the end of our lives? Why do we have to suffer such hardships. Why do we have to listen to the stories of others’s children all day long and grow into distorted —” I pointed at Zhou Yuan, ”grow into distorted selves?”

”Zhou Yuan was originally so bright and cute. He never argued with anyone in the company. No matter how Liu Shuai ridiculed his graphs, he would always accept it seriously with a smile. At most, he would admit that he was incapable and would try hard next time —”

“Previous Zhou Yuan never had a venomous tongue. Even if I occasionally ridiculed him, he would just pretend he never heard it. He just laughed and then went back to work with us, playing around —”

”Previous Zhou Yuan never spread negative energy. Sometime the director accused him of being incompetent, and he accepted it wholeheartedly. He never complained to us about what the director said —”

“Previous Zhou Yuan only wanted to become what his mother called ‘others' children'. However, he did not understand that he could never be the so called others’ children, because even if he made it, there would be more outstanding ones. So he was actually fighting with the entire world alone.”

”That's right. His abilities are limited. He is trapped in a wish he doesn't want to do but has to make, while he hasn't hurt anyone except himself. The measure he had to take was also because he did not understand the consequences. Could you blame him for that? ”

”If we blame him, then what are we? We live muddle-headed, speak nonsense to others, to kneel and lick those who are higher than us, and look down on those who are lower than us. In the end, who lives like a human and who lives like a ghost?! ”

Liu Shuai lowered his head and did not speak. Yan looked at me, unable to answer my question.

”Why? Why can't someone like Zhou Yuan live a good life? He is just a poor guy. Could it be that he cannot even have the power to live peacefully in this world?! ”

”What Borrow Me Your Mana, what Avalokiteshvara, what miracle medicine, what Bodhisattva fears the cause while mortals fear the effect. That’s all bullshit!”

”Bam!”

The more I said, the angrier I got, but I could not find a way to release. Without thinking, I took out the medicine Avalokiteshvara gave me and ruthlessly smashed it on the television in front of me. That was my new 60-inch liquid crystal TV, but I didn't care about it anymore. The TV shook after being, which slightly mitigated my anger.

At this moment, the television that was turned off suddenly turned on and a faint sound came from it.

”Hao Ning, even if you are angry, what’s the use of you smashing a television screen?”