Part 5 (1/2)

IV

Fear is the destroyer of peace I knew no peace until I learned not to be afraid of conventions The three ht easily have been avoided by a little training at home or at school

I realize now the unhappiness of those first years of my married life

I ard and ill at ease in a world that valued social poise above knowledge From my childhood I had loved honest, sincere people After uished reat; but they, too, had their affectations and petty vanities

Being young, I judged them harshly because they set what I considered too much store upon absurd conventions

In the course of my travels since, I have coraphy! What is proper in England is bad form in France, and many customs that were correct in Vienna would be intolerable in Spain In the formal circles of Vienna no one spoke to anybody without an introduction In Spain there was a more subtle and truly aristocratic standard The assumption was that anybody one met in the home of one's host was desirable, and it was courtesy, therefore, to begin a conversation with any guest This is the attitude also in parts of France

But in those first h homesick days, and some that were hard and bitter I stayed with Tom that first year only because I was too bewildered to take any initiative, and because I kept hoping that things would right thehto home The simple life of my own people slipped very, very far away We made a hurried trip back to the United States that su West His own family wanted to see our baby, and they decided that the little fellow had traveled enough and should not be subjected to the hardshi+ps of a cross-country train trip So Tom sent for mother and the twins to come to us, and they arrived at the Waldorf Hotel, where ere staying

Dear, siot up with antly with the in New York; but h country and the s for her to do and see in New York-- better than to stay with the baby

With all the children she had brought into this world one h of babies But she adored ry I had been for her, without realizing it! I felt that she loved my baby boy as she had never loved me or any of her own children And I understood why gle for existence of those hard years she had never had aher baby I sat watching her with her first grandchild, so sweet in his exquisite hand-sewn little clothes, and suddenly I foundhysterically

Mother was very dear to ive a chapter tothis period of her visit to New York, for it marked the climax of my own development When mother and the children started off on their return trip to the West, Toenerously put financial worry away from my family for all time, but I knew that he was a little ashamed of some of mother's crudities

I wondered why I did not feel ashaaveto--a sure consciousness of power, that co one possesses the true pride to rise above the opinions of other people

I would have given my life, that day, to be able to assure my family that material security which they owed to my husband, who neither loved nor understood them I looked down the years and saw myself crushed by a burden of indebtedness to a rateful, simple happiness eased my hurt I had never approached reat, kind heart had been given the advantages that the women in my husband's family took as a matter of course, she would have been superior to theed to go home to my oarone, thinking that, if my family were not so deeply indebted to my husband, I would leave hiht, but it made me unhappy I felt disloyal and dishonest Finally I told Toan to understand s were better A few days later we ca to the baby's room for a minute, To ti on his mind, and I waited Finally I realized that he was e I have done that has eo, but I can never forget the look Toave me

It held all the love of our courtshi+p and so besides that I had never seen in his face before

”For God's sake, never say that to ain!” he cried ”Embarrassed me! I a here trying to think how to tell you so my mother said about you, and just what it means”

Hisaboutcriticism I had been a bitter disappointment to her

Whatever she said would be politely cruel--at best, a da with faint praise

”She said,” e, completely satisfied, and that she has come to be proud of you I don't kno to tell you just what that iven her praise I had learned what to her were the essentials; I had cultivated the ht self-distrust Had I lost my honesty and sincerity?

Tom went on to tell me that his mother had particularly admired my attitude toward my ownof hers She felt I had a sense of true values in people, and that the simplicity and sureness hich I had

I had not thought it possible that To for my mother and my honest pride in her real worth Perhaps, I reflected, I had been unjust to my mother-in-law I knehat a shock I had been to her in the early days of our retted es

They are siht in every school in Aht and for days afterward

Then ent back to Europe Tom knew people on the steaar, and Tom admitted that he did not admire them I made up my mind we should avoid the the deck ar affably When ere alone, I asked Tom how he could do it

I kno that a nore politically important people But he only said rather carelessly, and with a laugh, that it was one of the prices a man pays for public office