Vol 2 Chapter 4 (1/2)

Part IV: A Hallow

That which is discordant

That which is hated

That which is intolerable

Accept these things and all others, and never know pain

That which is harmonious

That which is desired

That which is permitted

Reject these things and all others, and know nothing but pain

One affirms, one denies

Between two hearts lies the hollow

Between two minds lies emptiness

Between two souls, I reside

4 • KINOKO NASU

A Hallow - I

“Hey, you’ve heard about the patient on the private room on the third

floor, right?”

“Oh, who hasn’t at this point? The word’s been passed on from mouth

to eon Dr

Ashi+ka had to show at least soirl’s sudden recovery I

couldn’t believe it myself”

“No, no, I mean the story after that What do you think the patient did

after she woke up from her coma? Promise me you won’t freak out or

anything, okay, but she tried to crush her own eyes!”

“Come on, that’s not true!”

“It is! Dr Ashi+ka’s trying his best to keep it a secret, but I heard the story

from one of his interns, so it has to be real Apparently, she used her palm

to put pressure on her eyes in like, the three seconds that Dr Ashi+ka wasn’t

looking What a horror show”

“But with that girl in a coma for two years, she really shouldn’t be able

to ht?”

“Yeah, but we basically exercised her limbs everyday to prevent the

disuse atrophy Her family even paid the hospital a mountain of cash just

to make sure we do it Still, it obviously can’t completely stop it, and her

body still has troubleProbably why her attempt to destroy her

eyes failed”

“Still, it’s a rarity for a person in bed rest for two years to even move, let

alone poke out her own eyes”

“That’s why Dr Ashi+ka was surprised Wait a minute; what do you call it

when the blood vessels in the eye bleed?”

“Subconjunctival heot that

too?”

“You know it It’s really supposed to heal by itself, but since the ocular

trauma was so hard, she’s temporarily blind on top of that The intern told

ed, so that’s what they

did”

“What a sha

Makes hten a little”

“It does, doesn’t it? And there’s still the question of her aphasia Seems

she still can’t speak, the poor thing And since Dr Alaya left last month

we haven’t had a therapist to handle her But I hear Dr Ashi+ka’s calling

in soained some of her mental faculties

/ A HALLOW - I • 5

we’re keeping her on a strict ‘no visitors’ policy Even the parents are only

getting a little time to spend with her”

“I see That’s too bad for our little boy”

“What? Which little boy?”

“Oh, you don’t know! There’s this little kid, right? Well, I guess we

can’t really call hie and all He’s the one who

brought that girl over here in the first place, and he still comes to visit every

Saturday I’ain”

“Oh, younicknames to I

never realized he was still co Hard to find that level of sincerity these

days, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, he’s the only one that’s been co to visit her these past two

years He even beat out her parents Even I’m inclined to believe that part

of that girl’s miraculous recovery is because of him”

“I never thought you were that sentimental”

“That’s alright Neither did I”

6 • KINOKO NASU

/ 1

Beyond and below lay only darkness This void, lifeless place could only

: I was dead

Without anything to even clothe i, floated, and then

sank slowly into the fathoht

There was nothing in sight, neither light, and yes, perhaps even darkness

This place was only a hollohere all ian

abyss that could not be put into words, and without words it shall remain:

a cypher called, simply, “ ”

I fell deeper into the “ ”, and my naked body slowly acquired the pallor

of the grave, and it made me want to look away In my mind, I knew that

everything in this place comes to be the same way

“Is this death?” I whispered, though it came out so faint, I doubted if it

was even real

Though ti inside “ ”, I observed it Like a stream

tracing out into the infinite, like the process of decay, I mark it It was an

eternity I plunged ever deeper, and cast my eyes farther, and in that eternity,

this place was still e except me And yet, it

was all so cal, the

fact that I existed at all fits s, a

place the living may never observe, but only the dead may enter

I died And yet I arip

Two years An instant, stretched out to an eternity Both are accurate

measures of ht

for my life Here, I awakened

The light breeze through theand the sound of boisterous activity

outside my room stirs my mind to wake I can hear nurses and patients

alike scurrying in the corridor outside The sound of their footsteps and

the soft whispers of their conversations build to a low background hum,

always present at a hospital in the earlyhours Compared to how

silent last night was, this sounded like some sort of convention, and a noisy

one, as far as I was concerned I likedhours silent Thankfully,

in the secluded space of my private room, I’m sheltered from the worst of

the noise

It didn’t take long for a doctor to arrive and check up on me

“How are we feeling today, Miss Ryōgi?”

/ 1 • 7

Silence It stumps him, and for a moment, we are both quiet

“I see At least you’ve seeht Unfortunately,

since we didn’t get the chance to do it last ti to have to explain

your situation to you Feel free to talk if you feel soht”

I didn’t really have any interest in paying attention to him, but since it

seems like he mistook my lack of a response for consent, it looks like I don’t

really have a choice in the matter

“Then I’ll tell you straight out: today is the fourteenth of June 1998 Two

years ago, on the fifth of March, you were involved in a traffic accident, hit

by a car in a pedestrian crossing at night Then you were brought here, to

this hospital Do you re?”

Silence fro I can remember is someone—a

class stock still in the rain As for the accident,

nothing is co to mind

“Oh, don’t worry if you can’t remember it When the accident occurred,

it’s likely you noticed the car and tried to jump out of the way That’s why

there isn’t any serious dae on your body On the other hand, you did

receive a strong hit on your head You were already comatose when they

brought you here, but it seee But your mental

facultiesfrom your two year coma I can’t say for

sure if yourthat way, since last night’s

EEG detected no abnormalities in your brain activity Anyway, the fact that

you woke up from your coma is a miracle in itself There’s very little possibility

of that after two years, you see”

Even though he th of my coma, it

still isn’t hitting home for me For me, yesterday is still that rainsoaked

night, followed by a vast hollow of emptiness

“And if you’re about to ask,” the doctor continues, “your eyes are mostly

fine It’s just a blunt injury, which rarely daes the eyes in a permanent

way We’re lucky there wasn’t anything sharp nearby last night Another

week or so, and we’ll be able to take off the bandages so you can finally

enjoy the nice scenery”

I detect a tiny hint of rebuke in his words this time I suppose he’s a bit

frustrated with my little attempt to destroy my eyes He was pretty persistent

last night in asking me why I did it, but I couldn’t answer then as well

They’d think I was crazy

“You’re locked into physical therapy sessions, one in the , and

another in the afternoon As for visiting hours, I’

it until your body and mind are back to normal: an hour a day Bear with it

for a while Once you’re done, you’re out of here”

8 • KINOKO NASU

Well, that’s athe heart

to voice , I instead try to test ht

hand’s responsiveness by

to kickstart it into action takes me a few seconds, and I can feel the joints

andas I make the most minute, yet painful movements

It almost feels like it isn’t my own hand I suppose it’s what I should expect

after two years of disuse

“Well, that’s it for thisSince you’ve seemed to calm down, I

won’t have a nurse watch over you all day today If you need anything at

all—water, a book—just press the button next to your pillow The nurse’s

station is right down the hall,” the doctor says in the gentle, practiced

words designed to put a patient at ease Were I able to see, I’d probably

see him with a similarly rehearsed smile, one he probably practiced in the

bathrooht I hear him start to open the door, but stops to

say one last thing “Oh, yes, I alot You’ll have another doctor

starting tomorrow, for your speech condition She’s a bit closer to your age,

so try to be less…stoic…around her Fro to need

the expertise”

And so, after he left, I was alone again I lie flat on the bed, arms over my

eyes that I ed shut

“My name is—”, I whisper with dry lips still unused to speech, “shi+ki

Ryōgi” The same  as before? Maybe not Maybe she was killed, in

those two years of emptiness All of the memories of someone named

Ryōgi are all there in my head, all ready for me to draw out But what

of it? What use are they to me, who died once and awoke? I feel so…disconnected

toI’m me, but the memories in

a biopic Main character:

Ryōgi Weird ghost iht in some of the frames: me

I bite my lips until I’m sure I’m still awake It’s all I have to make sure I’m

still here I’ piece close to my chest, and the hole

through it I’m

“And so? What the fuck does it matter?” I mutter to myself with as much

conviction as I can muster And once I’ve said that, I feel less troubled by

it Strangely, this feeling of disquiet and irritation that scratches and pulls

at , in its oay There’s anxiety There’s

pain But those are feelings that the sixteen-year old  still held on to

Me? I’m unimpressed I don’t knohy I’m still alive but I have no inten-

/ 1 • 9

tion of looking a gift horse in the mouth Not like I feel alive in the first

place anyway I’ adrift on

the wind

10 • KINOKO NASU

/ 2

Morning turns to night turns to ain, and a new day comes,

whether or not I can see the sunlight I aely relieved that even

without sight, I can feel the slow rise ofHowever, the reason

for this relief re

exahts Before I knew it, she had

finished, and left ain, but that wasn’t the end of my day

My ers, and I

couldn’t corips with the reality that they were my relatives Left

with no alternative, I ed to mumble little words to them, in the

manner that my memories told me  would It made my mother happy

at least, and my brother seemed pleased It all had the air of some comical

farce, and we all played our parts to the letter

So and a person step inside

heels, I immediately know that it

isn’t anyone faet a new doctor starting

today, but before I could ask, the newcomer starts to speak

“Hel—lo! Doing fine today?” says the newco out her hello

in an atte from her voice “Well, I must

say, I expected sohastly, but look at you! Your

skin is quite pretty You’re just the kind of girl I can talk to, I think Now

aren’t I lucky?” Her voice is young, maybe somewhere in her 20’s, and has

the kind of lilting, up-and-down quality of someone who is too cheerful for

her own good I hear her make her way to the chair beside my bed and sit

herself down

“Pleased to make your acquaintance,” she continues “I’m not a doctor

from here so I don’t come with an ID Still, with your eyes covered and all,

I don’t think it’ll be much of a problem I’m a speech therapist You know,

for your aphasia and—”

“Aphasia? Who, me? I’m sorry; you must have me confused with someone

else” And so I finally speak She see

with, so I cut her off mid sentence It doesn’t seem to faze her however,

since she responds with an “Mmhmm”, hat must have been an

acco nod of the head

“Now, norry, but since I already know that your aphasia

is a nosis, I’ll let it slide That Ashi+ka is such a by-the-books doctor;

/ 2 • 11

he can’t handle special cases like yours But hey, it’s not like you can’t

share the bla to raise some suspicion if

you keep your ” She makes a friendly,

alasses She

just seems like the type

“So they think I have aphasia?”

“Yep After all, you did hurt your brain some in the accident, so they

ht that the part of your brain that puts words in your

ed But it’s not that isn’t it? You’re just a stubborn young

girl with so to look like I’m

not needed, but I don’t want to get fired a minute into the job And since

with customers, I think I’ll keep you

company”

Well, a minute into her job and she’s already proved herself to be an

annoyance I can hardly stomach I reach a hand out for the button to call

a nurse, but the doctor is faster I feel her hand reach it first and she deftly

maneuvers the wire from my reach

“What the hell, lady?” I utter in indignation

“Whew, that was close If you tell Ashi+ka now, the gig is up Come on,

let’s cut a deal here You pretend to have aphasia and I won’t ask you any

stupid questions, they won’t call in a new doctor, and I get to earn some

money on the side That e both benefit How about it?”

Well, I have to admit, that sounds like a nice proposition, but definitely

illegal on some level Still, I have to wonder what kind of person this woman

is when she can just belt out so like that without hesitation I turn

I a

straight at her

“You’re not a real doctor, are you?” I ask

“Right on the first try I ician, of sorts”

Oh, brother This just took a turn for the crazy

“Don’t have a need for a con artist”

She replies with a chuckle “I suppose not A ician can’t fill the

hollow in your soul, after all Only a regular person can do that”

“W—wait a minute, what did you just say?”

“Oh, you must have noticed it See, you’re all alone now” The lilt in her

voice that I first perceived as cheerful now grants aair to her

speech I hear her stifle the urge for one last chuckle, and then standing up

and walking across the room towards the door “Doesn’t look like you’re

in the mood to talk today, so let’s leave it at that for now We’ll try again

tomorrow By—e”

12 • KINOKO NASU

By the tioodbye, the cheerfulness had returned to her

voice The sound of the door opening and closing signal her sudden departure,

as abruptly as she’d arrived

With difficulty, I put ht hand on my lips I was speechless at what

she’d said

All alone A hollow in the soul It is those words that make me remember

Oh no Oh, dear God no How could I forget him?

I can’t find him In my mind, I call out, over and over, and he, the other

one

 was once one of those people who suffered another personality,

sleeping and residing within her The reason for it was simple It was a

trait, passed down through generations in the bloodline of the Ryōgi The

legends tell vaguely of so past flirtation with the occult and arcane,

but I don’t know if that can be believed This trait, which in a normal family

would have been cursed, was instead celebrated and honed, an indication

of a state of grace Those born with it are treated as the heirs to the dynasty

And so it ith , as made the heir even over her older

brother She was an aberrant case The alternate personality will always

be a different gender than the actual person A and

the fees as the dominant In

those who carried the trait, all have been born male, but carried a female

personality within them  was the first female born Inside her was

another, the man named shi+ki

For the most part, the one that controlled the body was still —me,

in other words shi+ki represented all of my more base aspects and all of

the thoughts I struggled to repress  lived only by continually stifling

and killing the darkness within herself called shi+ki, over and over, until

it was the only way she kne to act normally Not that shi+ki had a

problem with that He seemed quite content to lie dormant the majority of

the time, while I call him out in times where I needed his particular brand

of aggressiveness, such as in sword sparring Always, he would come to

surface, glad to have the chance to be out, but at the same time bored and

resigned to his role

At first it ht seem like a relationshi+p between a master and a servant,

but the truth was much more complicated In the end,  and shi+ki

were one person Whatever  did, shi+ki also desired, and when

shi+ki’s desires were suppressed, it was done entirely through his own

volition Which was fortunate, since shi+ki had what ht be called…

/ 2 • 13

homicidal tendencies Now, as far as I knew, he didn’t actually commit any

murder…maybe But what’s true is that he continually dreamed of the act

ofhis fellow man  expressly forbade it, and tried her best

to ignore it But even as they ignored each other, they would never be

separated Isolated as  was from the normalcy of the outside world,

she was never lonely, thanks to shi+ki

But the tian to

show It o years ago, ’ first year of high school shi+ki had never

shown any desire to use the body, but it was the first time he had wanted

to surface and take control Froaps

in her memory, spaces where she couldn’t remember what happened and

what she was doing

As for me, the memories from my freshman year up until the accident

are gone I can only recall frag in

the scene of a ho at the dark red blood

One other series of ies stands out: The memory of a classroom

bathed in sunset, giving it the same vivid red hue that dominates both

recollections, the classmate who destroyed , the one shi+ki wanted to

kill, and the one last piece of an ideal, normal life that shi+ki wanted so

up from the coma, the name of that

classmate has remained out of reach, no matter how hard I try

The hospital has its own rhythm, its own sort of respiration The raucous

noise of theeventually dims slowly into the almost absolute

silence of the night Occasionally, the sound of slippers echoing in the corridor

breaks the placidity, and is my only reminder that I am still awake The

black shroud that blinds ht how alone I am,

an entirely foreign sensation that  never had She was never alone

But now shi+ki is gone, and his loss is keenly felt In fact, the only way I

know I aht now is because I can’t feel his presence

“Probably the worst way to know your identity: identifying yourself

because of what you lost, because of what you aren’t “ I take a shot at

so I wish I was

just a little sad That at least would be a change from the hollow soul that

the “doctor” said I had Like the husk of so

without anything inside it If so, what goes inside?

I’d…go inside

A whispering, co from somewhere in the room I can feel air rush in

from the corridor outside, can hear the almost inaudible creak of the door

14 • KINOKO NASU

opening I try to tellit, but I turn to the direction of

the sound all the same

A flickering, almost numinous white haze I shouldn’t be able to see it,

but it makes a mockery of that statement Amidst the complete darkness,

it’s the only thing I can see It stands, vaguely like a human, but without

bones to hold it up, in a state of being somewhere in between liquid and

gas It travels towardsat the same time in a

disgusting motion I am helpless, unable to move my body, so I can do

nothing but wait for it

At least it has a fors without form are the

truly frightening things At least, with a shape, your mind can understand

it I don’t sense any hostile intent from this spirit, if that is even what it is

It’s even strangely co

that doesn’t live, and me who has no reason to live?

The spirit caresses me in the cheek, at which point my entire body

freezes, the sensation feeling like so ice water on my spine

It hurts, but I can’t move I can’t even scream I can only witness it We stay

that way, unht until the sun starts to come up At the

crack of earlyAs soon

as I feel the icy grip loosening, I fall into deep sleep

/ 3 • 15

/ 3

Several days have passed since I first woke from the coma, but the

doctors have seen fit to keep ed for now In a marked shi+ft

from the noise which I had come to think was standard hospital policy, this

particularin the little motions of

the day I can hear the birds chirping outside ht

shi+ning through it, and I allow s to be filled with the crisp air

Yes, compared to the world I was in for two years, this world is truly a

sight to behold But with each

life of the world, I think: this world is only as happy as people are alone

The safest way to live is to be alone, but why can’t people think that that’s

enough?

Once, I had a perfect setup I didn’t need anyone else But the circumstances

have conspired to make me wait for the part that I seem to lack,

and if current trends are any indication, I ht have to wait forever

But what, or who, exactly a for?

My conversations with the “speech therapist-slash-ician”, such as

she was, became a daily affair In a hospital life full of batteries of tests and

therapy sessions, it’s beco to look forward to; a welcome

respite from the day-to-day banality Now, as always, our conversation

takes a turn back to my past, and as always, she is positioned in the chair

byin her own carefree manner

“Mmm, now I see So it’s not that shi+ki couldn’t control the body, just

that he showed no desire to do it You—well, both of you—are proving to

be quite the a couple”

She had coe

of round, some of which I know for a fact only a few people know

She knew the curse behind the Ryōgi dynasty, the htly kept secret

of the fa that

wracked the city two years ago; details which I would normally be much

ned myself to the outcome

and consequences, though the criuous,

even insideto think about it has made for a less

stressful thinking environment

“There’s nothing a a dual personality,” I impulsively

interject

16 • KINOKO NASU

She clicks her teeth in disappointment “A cute label, but not accurate,

I’d say Both of you exist si your oill:

a recipe for dissociation And yet, you both perform the same actions

It’s complicated, and the label ‘dual personality’ doesn’t do it justice

So like ‘co”

“Hey, tack on a ‘republic’ in the end there and it’ll sound like some new

Balkan country”

“Ah, well, I never said I was good with names Still, I do find it weird that,

according to you, shi+ki always slept, even though he didn’t need to”

A matter only I could probably answer It had always been that way

shi+ki had always liked to dream, to be off in some astral adventure somewhere

in his own i, an act that  had never shown any interest

in

“So, is he still sleeping now?” she prods playfully, but I find that I can’t

answer her “Then he really is dead, isn’t he? He took your place as the

consciousness that died during the accident, and the memories that he

took in becaaps in your memories, at

least And without those e of how involved you

were to the serial killing two years ago ht be lost forever”

“So I’e?”

“Indeed, but you kno this city plays We say ‘oh, dear’ at a serial

our dinner To most of

the city in the last two years, it’s become some sort of bad joke The rest

have just forgotten” She laughs, leaving in doubt how much of her statement

she actually believed “shi+ki still puzzles h If he hadn’t

done anything, it would have been the  consciousness that died What

reason would he have for taking your place like he did?”

“To be honest, it’s still so about,” I say with hesitation

“But enough about hi the scissors I asked for?”

“Sorry, but Ashi+ka and the rest of his minions didn’t allow it You have,

u anything sharp”