Chapter 41 - Volume 5 (1/2)
Chapter 4 – Hope
“This young lady loves you, Your Lordship.”
“Yes. I see that your bullshit is bitter. Just go to sleep.”
It seems Farnese had gone insane for some unknown reason as she had abruptly confessed her love to me, but I had kindly turned her down in less than 3 seconds. This girl has always been crazy, so her confessing to me was not even slightly bewildering.
Farnese expressionlessly contemplated.
“······How strange. What is the issue? Humble as this young lady is, this young lady’s beauty is quite exceptional. If this young lady were to speak closer to the truth, then this young lady has yet to meet a woman who is more beautiful than this young lady. Is Your Lordship truly a eunuch?”
“Oh? Is it because you have just returned from playing with fire? You’re spouting nonsense with that mouth of yours.”
“······This young lady loves you? I love you, Your Lordship? This young lady believes that she loves you, Your Lordship. I adore you. I cherish you? I am loving you? This young lady truly loves you. This young lady devotes her time to you, Your Lordship. This young lady’s sun. This young lady’s midday. This young lady’s light and melody. The sunlight that shines down upon the clumps of ash.”
“Now you are spouting bullshit.”
“This young lady wishes. This young lady hopes. This young lady desires. This young lady wants Your Lordship to turn this young lady’s time into a melody. Your Lordship······? Oho. I see. Ehem. Was that the problem?”
What did she realize?
Farnese looked at me confidently.
“This young lady loves you, father.”
“······.”
I hit Farnese by the back of her head.
What she referred to me as was not the issue here. My daughter who is sick at heart. This lunatic child.
“Who’s this? Who could this beee?”
Additionally, the witches had all returned with their lives intact and they were now in the middle of bullying Ivar Lodbrok. Ivar Lodbrok was sitting motionlessly in our camp, so they were skipping around him and spieling amongst themselves.
“No matter how I look at it, it appears that there’s a familiar bat here. As his mug is a bat and his physiognomy is a bat, there’s no doubt that this is seriously a bat-like bastard. The fellow who made me believe that, throughout my entire life, I would never be able to meet a person who’s more bat-like than him, seems to be right before my eyes—?”
“Strange, how strange. From what we can remember, this is definitely a fucking bastard, but why is a fucking bastard residing in our master’s military camp? Has our master finally decided to take in even fucking bastards? Aha aha, as days go by, our master’s royal grace is becoming more ravenous.”
“······.”
Ivar Lodbrok stayed seated and merely kept his mouth shut, not giving the witches any sort of response. However, if I were his lawyer, then once more, I would have advised against pleading the Fifth here. To the witches, the opposition’s response did not matter to them by even the smallest, littlest, or tiniest amount after all. Look. Are the witches not happily performing a circle dance around Ivar while holding each other’s hands now?
“We thought—.”
“Thought and thought again—.”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that—.”
“The fact that our master was confined in a cell for a week.”
“Aah, that fact means our master was unable to wash for an entire week.”
“Aah, that fact means our master was unable to fap for an entire week⎯⎯⎯.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“We thought.”
“Since ancient times, if a male skips a day of fapping, then it’s both joyous and sorrowful.”
“Thought and thought again.”
“If they skip two days, then it’s a tragedy. If they skip three days, then it’s an atrocity.”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that.”
“Aah, alas, such grief. Our poor master, our master who was unable to fap for an entire week. As your faithful subjects, there’s no way that we wouldn’t sing a song about it.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“We thought.”
“About Master’s long period of no fapping?”
“Thought and thought again.”
“About Master’s pitiful no fapping!”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“Look at those dwarves with small maws, look at those wolf bastards with long maws, look at those sons of horses with long and pointed mugs, and look at those pigs with plump stomachs. Ah, everyone come close and look at the blood-sucking old man over there. We’ll sing a single plaintive melody, so listen.”
“······.”
In the end, those crazy girls started to sing in unison.
An old man asked
Which Demon Lord has the largest penis in the world
We answered
The person’s name is Dantalian with a sorrowful penis
The old man inquired
How impressive must it be for you all to praise it so
We replied
It is a penis that shoots faster than the wind
It is a penis the hair of which is denser than a forest
While it is a penis that is hotter than fire
It is a penis that is more steadfast than a mountain
But what is the point
Since there was no place it could be used for over a week
That is clearly the most pitiable penis in the world
Thus, we sing like this
The person’s name is Dantalian with a sorrowful penis
Dantalian with the saddest penis in the world
“······.”
I went silent.
“······.”
Ivar Lodbrok went silent as well.
“Ah. Referentially, this young lady was the one who had composed this song, Your Lordship. Since this young lady’s genius, which resonates throughout the world, has gone into this, you can be moved and cry as much as you desire. Even this young lady must admit that quite the good chord has gone into this.”
The lunatic did not go silent.
Eventually, Humbaba, the leader of the witches and the Captain of the Royal Guard, spread both of her arms out wide.
“Dantalian with the saddest penis in the woooooorld—.”
It wasn’t until she had sung this line passionately that the madness had reached its zenith and then subsided.
It seems that the witches were most likely under the illusion that they were actresses in a cheap opera right now. It was an incredibly eccentric scene, but at the same time, it was not eccentric at all. If you considered the fact that their brains are usually in the state of being steamed by drugs, then this was not strange at all.
“See? I said that I made a super great song, didn’t I? Ahahah. How was it, my beloved fellow witches? Do you girls now admit that I do indeed possess quite the amazing artistic talent?”
“I admit it.”
“I concede.”
“It’s something that I must admit.”
“It’s also something that I can’t not admit.”
“Sorry, Master! We were originally going to come back to your side a little sooner, but listen to this. There were human prisoners loitering about waaay over there, you know? Ehem, aha, ehem ehem, as experts of both torture and execution, it’s not like we couldn’t bestow upon them our kindness.”
“Well, executions nowadays aren’t able to vivify the feeling of the past no matter what they do. Compared to the past, the world has become quite weak.”
“That’s right. Back in my day, when they cut your flesh, they didn’t cut it normally. If anything, you’d be thankful if all they did was cut your flesh. They used to tear off all of your skin, pour a potion on top of your bare flesh, healing you completely, before tearing it off again. I was able to endure that twice, but it started to get difficult after the second time.”
“Eh, only two times? Are you saying that as if that’s some sort of experience? I’m able to stay sane for at least the first 5 times, girly.”
“I’m not trying to brag, but I didn’t lose my senses even when my internal organs had been cut into pieces and my flesh had been peeled off thirty times. On the contrary, my mind became clearer each time my flesh was ripped off, so it felt as if something like torture could not possibly invade my prestigious mind.”
“I wonder about that. Instead of saying that you didn’t lose your senses, I feel like that just means you were never sane since the moment of your birth.”
What the hell are these girls talking about?
I had a faint headache.
If a person possessed a mouth, then they should be making sounds, but these girls were babbling while only letting out noises. Therefore, I was certain that the things which these girls possessed were not mouths, but assholes.
“You all may not know this, but I’m a witch who had her blood sucked by a vampiric archduke back when I was really popular. It’s a bit embarrassing to say in front of you girls, but in truth, my lineage is so great that I actually shouldn’t be hanging around with girls like you.”
“Rather than words being said to our faces, those sound like words you’re saying to our butts.”
“I smell a fart coming from somewhere. Did someone fart?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“It wasn’t me either.”
“Why are you looking at me? It absolutely wasn’t me either. You can easily tell just by looking at my innocent face that my butt isn’t a butt that would fart.”
“It’s more suspicious because you’re denying it that much. The thought that it’s undoubtedly you since you’re denying it like this comes to mind. Ah. I was perfectly logical just now.”
“You’re suspicious for suspecting me so much. I don’t know if you’re perfectly logical or not, but I know for certain that you’re a perfectly crazy bitch.”
“Judge, please enter.”
“Now then, now then. From what I can tell, this is quite the foul incident. Just from its scent, you can tell that this flatulence doesn’t have the normal kind of foul stench.”
“What is the verdict, then, Your Honor Humbaba? The people are currently rioting outside of the court of law. Please remember that it was the people who had appointed you as the city’s judge.”
“The political judge who accommodates witches should step down!”
“Step down! Step down! Step down!”
“Ehei, ehem. Sheesh, this is troubling. Calm down, you lot. If it wasn’t you, me, or any one of us, then I’m certain that the one behind this flatulence incident is none other than our master.”
“What was that?”
“This is an unexpected conclusion.”
“Do you have evidence? Evidence?”
“The smell of the flatulence itself proves who its owner is. The reason why the smell of this flatulence is so foul is due to the fact that our master had held it in throughout the entire week he was imprisoned and had just now let it loose.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“Were those words just now or was that a fart? The judge is the one farting right now!”
“Boooo! Witch trial! Let’s do a witch trial!”
“Whoa there. Ehem. If you perhaps object to this verdict, then this judge will have no other choice but to suspect that one of your adorable butts was the one to have committed this crime······.”
“A flawless verdict.”
“Acknowledged.”
“As expected of Captain Humbaba. That was a beautiful verdict.”
“······For Lord Dantalian to have been the culprit behind the fart······. This is all my fault. If I had known sooner, if I had realized a little sooner······.”
“No, Euryale. It isn’t only your fault. Our apathy towards His Highness Dantalian’s butt is what had brought upon this tragedy.”
“Big sis······.”
“My son!”
“Damn it, this is touching. It’s been over 50 years since I was appointed as a judge, but this is the first time I’ve witnessed such a sorrowful scene. It’s impossible for this judge to not shed tears here.”
“What a coincidence. After watching all of your conducts, this great one could shed tears of blood.”
I was watching over these crazy girls while wondering how much of their brains they had thrown away in a ditch. The more I watched them, the more I grew curious about the name of the bastard who was crazy enough to make these girls into their Royal Guard. If it weren’t for the fact that that crazy bastard was me, then I may have been a bit more curious.
“Ahahah, master.”
Hop.
Humbaba skipped towards me and stuck out her cone hat.
Curious as to what this girl was now up to, I looked down and saw that there was a bunch of dirt inside of her hat. After examining the muddy pile of dirt a bit more, I saw that it was a pile of dirt with several dandelions sticking out of it.
Did she put them in her hat without even dusting the dirt off from their roots? There were dandelions contained in the witch’s hat. I knitted my brows.
“What is this?”
“We contemplated and contemplated about what the likes of us could possibly give to you, Master, as a gift to celebrate your release. No matter how much we thought about it, we weren’t able to think of a gift that could make you happy, Master. Even if the likes of us were to offer Master our bodies, Master has always been a eunuch, so what good would that do when you won’t taaaake us?”
“I see that you girls believe that every male in the world must respond to you. How should I fix that misunderstanding of yours? If anything, do you not know that there are only a small minority of males in the world that will respond to you girls?”
“Master’s absolute majority is mistaken. History proves otherwise.”
“I do not wish to know about that sort of history······.”
For there to be a history where responding to these girls was the correct thing to do and not responding to them was the wrong thing to do. What was that supposed to be? The Necronomicon? Was this like a textbook of evil or the Devil’s scroll of incantations?
Humbaba shoved her left hand into her hat. The left hand which I had maimed by severing the ring finger of at one point in time.
There was a lot of moisture in the clump of dirt, so the inside was exceedingly dirty. Even if it was unclean, that dirt was unclean because it was alive. The small witch in front of me plucked a dandelion, which was unclean because it was still alive, with a ‘snap’.
“Master. Ahah. It’s a bit late, but.”
After she placed the dandelion behind my ear.
“Congratulation on your release!”
She smiled radiantly.
“······.”
I was at a lost for words for a moment.
The witches giggled. It was light. It was truly a light sound. The sound of laughter easily spread into the sky and permeated with ease. And I believed that that lightness, was like that because it had thrown a small bit of its life away somewhere.
Farnese spoke.
“Your Lordship. It seems that among the masses, people consider the act of putting a flower behind your ear as proof of one’s insanity. Coincidentally, it appears that there is a flower behind Your Lordship’s ear. This young lady is not trying to go out of her way to provide an additional explanation or anything, but it is just that, this young lady simply wishes to say that Your Lordship has coincidentally become an insane person.”
“If my brain has yet to necrotize, then Farnese, were you not passionately confessing your love to me only a few minutes ago?”
“······? What of it? Is there a meaningful correlation between Your Lordship’s lunacy and this young lady’s love?”
This young girl who was tilting her head and sincerely questioning me as to what sort of correlation the two had, was the child I had taken in as my adopted daughter in this world. How insane. Truly regretful. By the looks of it, it seems that this life will be dirty just like my previous life.
Nevertheless, I did not excessively complain today.
I simply.
“······Hoeh?”
“Hoi?”
With my right hand on Farnese’s head.
And my left hand on Humbaba’s head, I stroked both of their heads and spoke.
“Thanks.”
For winning a difficult battle.
For being the first person to gift me a flower ever since I had fallen into this world.
I am grateful to you both.
My Acting General and Captain of the Royal Guard looked at each other for a moment before eventually smiling radiantly like a hydrangea and a dandelion that had bloomed side by side.
“This young lady loves you, Your Lordship.”
“I really like you, Master!”
Regardless of what sort of enunciation that love was said with and regardless of what sort of hope that like was said with.
We were already a family.
The advent of the Crescent Alliance.
It was most likely thanks to the fact that we had strongly obstructed the pursuers in Vistula Forest, the sea of trees. Barbatos and Paimon, the main army of the Crescent Alliance were able to cross the Black Mountains without having to face any danger whatsoever.
On the very night the battle had ended in the sea of trees, the two Demon Lords had both sent a letter. Barbatos and Paimon were currently busy pushing ahead with their march. They had both only written a single line in their letters.
— Thanks. We’ll be going first. Follow.
— Sorry. I’ll leave Sitri in your care.
When in a situation where one had to say thank you and also apologize to a single person, then there are people who would say thank you first and there are people who would say sorry first. Barbatos was the former. Paimon was the latter. The difference between the former and latter was definitely due to the rift that had torn the two apart in the past.
I strolled through the military camp which we had set up throughout the entire night and gazed up at the afternoon sky. A group of soldiers noticed me as they were passing by and saluted to me. I shook my head and omitted their show of respect.
“The monarch should be the one to show their respects to the soldiers who have triumphed. You all have fought well. You all have held out well. A lot of meat has been provided, so today’s meal shall be substantial.”
The soldiers expressed their gratitude and continued on their way. Even if I was nothing more than ranked 71st, I was still an honorable Demon Lord. What cute fellows. I chuckled at the natural modesty of the officers and men and went into deep thought once more.
······Elizabeth, the Imperial Princess was defeated. She had lost some of her troops. Her perfect record of victory had been smeared as well. However, defeat was nothing more than an immediate disgrace, the Imperial Princess had obtained something larger.
The fact that when the Crescent Alliance retreated, she was the only person to have declared for the battle to continue until the very end.
The fact that she had actually led the pursuit in person with her royal standing.
The fact that while she was leading and fighting in person, her royal body had actually been injured.
I lamented by myself.
“······The commoners of humanity will most likely cheer. They will cheer loudly.”
Justification.
When the other nations were reluctant to step forward and the majority of the armies were chickening out, the justification of having stood forward without any hesitation in order to exterminate the demons.
The battle in Vistula Forest was fierce, desperate, and severe. Both of the individuals who could be referred to as the heads of each respective side had been hit by a bolt. If they had been even slightly more unlucky, then they could have died.
Soldiers naturally respected generals who would charge forward even while in the face of danger more than anyone else. It was not only the soldiers. The simple commoners will also cheer the birth of a hero······.
The undefeated blonde general who was favored by the Goddess Athena. That was Laura De Farnese. Imperial Princess Elizabeth was no different.
“On one hand, there is a blonde general, and on the other hand, there is a silver-haired empress.”
These two could only be stopped by one another. It was like that in the original history as well. In this life, I had accelerated the inevitability of history more fiercely. Even in the future, the continent will most likely rock under the military ability of gold and silver.
Last night, Imperial Princess Elizabeth had lowered her guard. She had mistaken Farnese for a dead corpse or a puppet······.
A bitter mistake, O Elizabeth. She may have been like that when you had met her previously, but that was not the case last night. Farnese had bloomed in less than a couple of days. I, this child’s lord and father, had made this happen.
In consequence of the time of a mere couple of days, you were defeated yesterday. You were most likely unable to predict this. You may have even thought of this as cheating. Regardless, the place where your absence of awareness was located was where your incompetence laid, and the point where you considered this as cheating was where your limit was placed.
‘There is no way that someone could change within a few days.’
That was the incompetence and limit which you possess. A person is able to change within a few days, and if they have the assistance of another, then even more so.
From this point on, the war you and I will create will always possess the time of several days. Perhaps, it will be a war that vies for the time of several hours. Even on the noon of the day where an unparalleled victory had been obtained, I am already predicting the next war.
It was in that moment.
“Mm······?”
In the distance, a single group of cavalry units was approaching from the other side of the military camp. Were they friend or foe? If they were neither, then were they deserters? I narrowed my eyes and gazed into the distance.
The cavalry unit was holding up 3 banners. First, a white flag which represented that they wished to negotiate and not battle. Next, a black flag with the dark moon of the Crescent Alliance engraved on it. And finally, a fluttering flag that displayed who they were affiliated with and radiating a golden shine.
A maxim was written on the banner.
Know thyself.
“······.”
A banner that was half white and half red. Adding to that, a maxim that was sewn on with golden letters. The one who strives to coexist between peace and war, and strives to bask in the glory of gold while within that coexistence.
Ranked 5th on the demon continent.
The lord in charge of nobility.
The sacred and inviolable representative of absolute dignity.
“······Demon Lord Marbas.”
The monarch of the Neutral Faction was lurking in the distance.
▯The King of Peasants, Rank 71st, Dantalian Empire Calendar: Year 1506, Month 4, Day 15 Polles
‘This is reckless.’ Lapis remonstrated.
‘This young lady will be unable to protect you.’ Farnese advised.
‘Well, Master is nuts, so if need be, this one will die together with you!’ Humbaba offered.
While having refused the remonstration, keeping the advice in mind, and shouldering the offer, I, Dantalian, headed towards the Neutral Faction’s military headquarters.
The night was dark as midnight had passed. The only one who could be called my guard was Humbaba, but even then, she had been disarmed. Additionally, they had gone as far as to inspect Humbaba’s undergarments after having stripped her of them. Her flesh which had been torn due to the long period of torture she had endured was displayed in plain sight.
“Ahahah. I haven’t hidden anything, I have nothing to hide. I really don’t have anything on me. Do you think I’m crazy enough to mess around with the Demon Lord who has a mortgage on my soul? I’m Humbaba. The head witch that leads the Three Nightmares. I’d be delighted if you showed some respect to the Quadriphllyous medal that’s attached to my hat.”
“······.”
The sentry looked Humbaba up and down before giving a nod. Humbaba was then allowed entry to the Neutral Faction’s camp. It was really after they had checked every nook and cranny of her body.
Humbaba was all smiles.
“Did you see that, Master? It’s because of behavior like this that I end up believing that the absolute majority of the males in the world desire my body. Even if I try to go somewhere comfortably, they do this kind of nonsense.”
“My God. Your entire life is your own self-torment.”
“Aha, I can’t deny that. As expected of Master. If you added the fact that my self-torment is my own torture, then it’d be perfect.”
We walked together as master and servant while murmuring to each other. The soldiers of the Neutral Faction followed us closely on both of our sides. The torches held by the soldiers illuminated their expressions. As one would expect from elite soldiers, they were all expressionless, but despite that, they would occasionally furrow their brows whenever they glanced at Humbaba.