Part 3 (1/2)
Females are not all that impressed when males flex their biceps, fan out their tails, or pound their chests What uy clu his thu in eirlfriend is allergic to the bouquet of daisies he's brought her We can't resist a guyan adorable dope of hiency room cot
We saw each other nearly every day for the rest of the su in his boat Golfed on elaborate, expensive courses Walked on the beach and played catch-me-if-you-can with the surf Hiked in state parks Took the train to Chicago and toured the Shedd Aquarium Went to a lot of parties
We never discussed h I assumed that Kip ell-off, I didn't associate Kip with the Vonnerjohns It wasn't until our ninth date that I learned Kip's great-grandfather had been Yost Vonnerjohn, the Dutch i company non around the world for bathroom fixtures It wasn't until our twelfth date that he told me that he was first cousin to Stanford Brenner, as running for United States Senate
We went to the zoo on our fourteenth date Kip produced a box of animal crackers from his jacket pocket and handed it toon the crackers, which seemed odd; Kip wasn't the aniiraffes while Ime fro, a headless zebra, and a blob that was either a horse or a hippo Then ers touched a piece of paper I pulled it out and saw that it was a note in Kip's handwriting It said: I'm crackers about you Will you marry me? Taped to the back of the paper was a ten-carat dia
Who could have resisted a setup like that? Not schuire For the first ti wild and adventurous I was following my heart That's what I told myself and that's what I allowed myself to believe Of course I said yes I wanted to marry Kip Vonnerjohn; I wanted to share his life and toothbrush and head colds; I wanted to have his babies I was head over heels, giddy-gaga-dumbass in love with him
If my parents had been there, they would have warned et to know sos, h school, and favorite sexual positions, but we hadn't asked the big questions Such as: Does this person keep his promises? Nor had we delved into the smaller questions: joint accounts or separate? Open presents on Christ? We didn't delve into the into each other Kip, nearly nine years older than I, was the first guy I'd been ho knew his way around a woman's body As sexually inexperienced as I was, I equated orgasns They were there, as clear as a ragged-edge ns ofme to his mother That he took off henever he felt like it and spent lazed over when I brought up politics or social issues or anything more complicated than the latest celebrity scandal
Recent studies have shown that the huht I had just turned twenty-four That's as good an explanation as any to explain the stupidity of my decision Driven by lust, blinded by hero worshi+p, and too ied into matrimony
Escape tip 6:
If it's crazy but it works, it ain't crazy
Wanda's van came with all the bells and whistles It had satellite radio, GPS, and television sets mounted above the front and back seats Given the hyperactivity level of Wanda's kids, it see entertainment available in the rear seats, but the driver-mounted set orriso with the Stars while she's hurtling toward you at seventyFu Panda suction-cupped to the asn't exactly inconspicuous She'd probably reported the van stolen by now I'd been driving it forn loomed SHEBOYGAN 16 MILES VONNERJOHN 4 MILES
Vonnerjohn?
Of course! This here Atticus had been guidingSuddenly I knew exactly where I could du the next exit, I turned onto a secondary road and drove into the town of Vonnerjohn, hoping nothing had changed since I'd last been here about five years ago
Three guesses who the town is named for This is the holy of holies-the site where the first Vonnerjohn pluo The s have been converted to shops, galleries, and restaurants, but the town'sfactory It's now the Vonnerjohn Design Center, a showroom for company products Weird as it sounds, the place is a touristthousands of visitors a week
I drove into the center's parking lot, a sea of expensive vans and SUVs, perfect protective coloration for Wanda's van With luck it would res until the lot emptied late that afternoon Meanwhile, I needed to borrow another car
Borrow sounds sothe litter on the floor of the van, I dredged up a pair of cheap sunglasses, two plastic barrettes, three Band-Aids, a lipstick-not in nawed-to-shreds lips-and a packet of Easy-pleasy condolow-in-the-dark colors Why, Wanda Kronenwetter, you vixen! I ja Atticus that I was keeping track and would so the keys in the ignition, I eased out ofcave of safety I left the doors unlocked, debating whether to lipstick a Please Steal Me note on theto attract the attention of car thieves, thus sending Marshal Katz on a wild goose chase while I tootled off in a
In a what? Slinking around the parking lot, trying to appear to be a rich ditz who couldn't remember whether she'd driven the Porsche or the Lexus today, I wrenched at door after door No go-every vehicle was locked up tight and nobody had left their keys in the ignition People ought to be
A silver BMW with Illinois plates zipped into a nearby parking space Toed The wo designer jeans The boy, about nine, was in his oorld, earbuds cla to music the rest of us couldn't hear
Leave the keys in the ignition, I silently willed the driver She didn't She took them out and chirped the doors locked with her remote Maybe I could pull another Wanda-filch the keys fro, keeping a few lengths behind, hoping the tourists would be too engrossed in toilet fixings to recognize the escaped felon in their n Center is a cross between a plu fixtures store and Potty World: The Adventure Hundreds of mock-up bathrooround floor These are bathrooest diving board of reality These are bathroo over towel racks, scus in the sinks, toothpaste-spattered -in roo-eared copies of Jokes for the John sitting on the tank tops
These are bathrooms from a planet where humans do not dwell On this planet, sofas, lamps, and bookcases all coexist happily in the bathrooe
On this planet there is a geisha house bathroo waterfall for a shower, polished pebble floors, and a grove of live bamboo trees
There is an Aztec temple bathroom with a tub like an altar perched atop ayour heart out of your chest, vibrating water jets y and boxing gloves strung up on the wall
There is a Jetsons-style bathroo and a shower cubicle with nozzles in places that would coiant squid
Today being a Saturday, the design center arhtseers I spied my prey near a display of whirlpool baths that arced jets of spray like dueling water pistols The wo over her shoulder, with her cellphone nearly falling out of a side pocket This da like a stalker, I prowled closer until I was near enough to Ms Illinois Plates to se of the balcony, with its dramatic view of the center's most fah, floor to ceiling, row upon row, colu toilets in a rainbow of blush pinks, dusty blues, sea-foa; this display gave newto the expression off the wall It was the Kodak moment of the tour; everyone wanted their picture taken with the Great Wall as backdrop
Illinois Plates was fuainst her purse, pretending to be checking out the Great Wall My right hand spidered toward her cellphone pocket, where she'd stuffed her car keys
”Hey!” Her kid suddenly wheeled around and eyeballed me Two thousand dollars' worth of orthodontic wire on his teeth and he was decked out like a street thug, his pants artfully ripped, his shoes unlaced, his T-shi+rt sagging to his knees He held up the electronic gadget he'd been playing with, which appeared capable of sending e- the space Shuttle I didn't knohat it was Spend a few years locked away and you coiz the ever-popular escaped convict story
”It's her,” the kid shrilled ”The serial killer! The axe ape I stood there frozen, forcing a s to look like an innocent tourist
”The escaped convict!” The little twerp jabbed his finger at uire”
”I am not!” I snapped
The kid'sthe boy to her boso with excite up on us!” he screeched ”I saw her I bet she was going to stab us” He eyed reedy curiosity ”How many people did you kill?” he asked
More people swar for position ”Ohuard and broke out of prison!” She thrust a pen and a ripped-out bank deposit slip at n it-before they throw you back in the can!”
A gray-haired woman with a walker elbowed her ”Wait your turn, toots I was here first Now sign this to Junior and don't forget to date it-”
I felt a sharp tug at the back ofat onna sell it on eBay!” he crowed, holding up a swatch of rabbed for the knife, but he danced away ”When they catch you, you're gonna get the electric chair Z-z-z-zt!”
”Wisconsin doesn't have the electric chair!” I was itching to smack that smirk off his self-satisfied little face
”Then they'll hang you!” He ue
I jerkedto find an escape route, but the croas edging in oncrosses at a vauard shouldered his way through the crowd, his shoulder patch identifying him as a member of the Safe'n'Sound Security Squad Blond, clean-cut, and butt-chinned, here was Dudley Do-Right, keeping the toilets of Auire,” the elderly wouards and busted out of prison in an aruard stared at ht there, lady Let's see some identification” His hand twitched toward his weapon, which was the size of an elephant gun Why would you need a gun that size in this place? To keep the little kids froed away as he advanced, but the autograph hounds heht