207 The Illusionary Sun (2/2)
It had been snowing then, too, but there had been the light of fire burning behind him.
Yes, the light of fire.
He held his forehead in pain, not daring to think further, but those memories had awoken and haunted him like a ghost. They tugged at him, telling him to turn around and look at his past. The forgotten past.
Ye Qingxuan saw shards of memories appear continuously on that pale, white, icy field. In the shards, he saw those scornful eyes, a dilapidated cabin, and a gentle voice. ”Little Yezi…” she murmured in his ears. ”Little Yezi, have you returned?”
”Shut up!” the youth growled hoarsely. He covered his ears, but a strand of dull blonde hair floated past his eyes. Like a hallucination, it disappeared in a flash, but left behind a whiff that made one want to remember.
”Don’t be afraid.” Her voice returned, sounding in his heart. ”Little Yezi, don’t be afraid.”
Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid…The voice echoed endlessly, overlapping and building on each other. It was as if the entire world was comforting him gently, but the voice only terrified him.
He roared in anger. And so the voice disappeared, as if nothing had happened. The only sound left was the whistling of the wind. He saw that the snow underfoot was red from the reflection of the firelight behind him.
Behind him, something was burning. Burning.
Ye Qingxuan froze. He stood stiffly in his spot, not daring to look back, but the smell of burning wood traveled over. Was it a cabin? The cabin lit on fire, the burning cabin, the collapsed cabin, the cabin…
He turned back blankly and saw the vaguely familiar cabin, and that apparition. The apparition stood amongst the flames and gazed at him quietly. Its eyes were compassionate and gentle. Just looking at those eyes made one feel sad.
”Little Yezi, don’t be afraid.”
The wind carried over the sad murmurs from his deepest memories. Ye Qingxuan lowered his head in silence. He gritted his teeth, trying to disperse it, but he was helpless.
Charles’s voice seemed to ring again in his ears. He said, ”Fire and pain.”
Ye Qingxuan froze. He could not help but laugh at himself. He had been escaping for so long and had worked so hard just to go in a giant circle and return here.
”So this is how it is.” He looked up. Tears fell as he stared at the apparition in the fire. ”I’ve almost forgotten this memory.”
Haven’t you been trying to find the sun? Ye Qingxuan, this is the sun.
This is the source of your pain.
This is where your mother died.
-
”It’s been so many years and you’re still waiting for me here…” In the long stretch of silence, the youth stared at the burning cabin. After a time, he stumbled into it. ”Mom, I’m back,” he murmured as he stared at the flames that swallowed himself.
The burning pain spread, but it made him feel settled, as if the pain had found where it belonged. After all these years, he had become used to its existence. He would not even know how to live without the pain.
The youth studied the blurry apparition through the dancing red. The apparition studied him as well. Her eyes were gentle, just like before. But seeing those eyes, Ye Qingxuan smiled. He knelt in the ashes and flames.
It’s been so many years. How have you been? I’ve been well. Just like you told me to, I haven’t been afraid. I’m not afraid of anything after you left.
”I returned to Avalon and now I’m studying at the Royal Academy of Music. I’m looking for what father did back then…I haven’t gone to Grandfather yet.
”I’ve been obedient all these years and never did anything bad. I made some new friends—Victor, Charles and Bai Xi, and some other people. I really want to introduce them to you.”
”…” He lowered his head. Caressing the skeleton, he murmured, ”I’m sorry. It’s been so long and I never came to see you.”
The fire burned and rose. It touched his cheek like a gentle hand, giving him pain and life. Ye Qingxuan closed his eyes. He took in the pain and let the flames of pain wipe away his tears with such gentleness.
He suddenly felt the urge to stay here. It was so nice and so quiet here. It made one feel calm. He would not have to think about the coldness and scary things of the outside world.
Stay here a bit more…just a bit more. Stay in this warm fire, even if there was nothing here but pain…
After a long, long time, the youth stood slowly and bid farewell. ”Mom, I’m going.” He turned around and took one last look at the apparition in the fire. ”I’ll miss you.”
The youth walked out from the burning cabin. The blizzard fell into his eyes and melted. Water vapor solidified in the wind and floated toward the sky. It was like a sigh resounding in the air.
He continued forward, welcoming the blizzard and frost, embracing every snowflake that flew toward him. His clumsy steps were branded into the snow and reached forward gradually.
Gradually, gradually, the youth’s figure turned into a black dot in the distance. It was covered by the wind and snow, swallowed, and then it disappeared.
As if seeing himself off, Ye Qingxuan watched as the silhouette grew more distant. He heard a faint melody in the wind. It was the sound of frost crystallizing, but it transformed into cool yet forlorn piano music. It sounded in his ears like a murmur. Someone’s hoarse singing was brought over by the wind.
”I saw three suns in the sky…I stared at them long and hard; they stare at me too, as if unwilling to leave. But you’re not my suns. Before, I had three suns too, but the two I loved most had disappeared…”
It was as if the long dream had finally ended.
Under the hoarse song, Ye Qingxuan felt himself dissipate, melt into the cold wind and transform into frost. He rose, rose and rose; he passed the wind, snow and icy clouds and gradually left the earth. The burning cabin in the snowy field disappeared too.
Ye Qingxuan closed his eyes and waited for this dreamscape to end. If living without pain was like this, then living in a world with some pain was better, right?
At least, you’re in that world.
At least I’ll still remember you.
Goodbye, Mom.
-
Ye Qingxuan woke from his dream at dawn. The morning light illuminated his eyes.
He sat up on the sofa and found that a glass had appeared in his hands. The liquor reflected an illusionary sun. He smiled and raised the glass, drinking the ‘fulcrum’ that he had been searching for in one shot.
The liquor slid down his throat like fire, bringing him the pain of living. He moaned in satisfaction.
The girl sleeping on his knee was startled awake. She rubbed her dazed eyes and looked up at him. ”Cousin, you’re awake?”
”Yeah.” Ye Qingxuan petted her hair. ”Sorry for waking you.”
Bai Xi looked at him. After a while, she asked softly, ”Did you cry?”
”No.” Ye Qingxuan smiled. ”Why would I cry? I just thought of some things.”
Bai Xi looked at him without a word. She did not worry anymore after seeing his smile. Putting her head back on his knee, she found a comfortable position, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
Her white hair had grown long and it spilled on the sofa like silk. Ye Qingxuan looked at her sleeping figure and smiled slightly. He could not help but squeeze her cheeks. She must be having a good dream.