Part 9 (1/2)

After the New End caenius we gave our revue the title Botham, the Musical Bothah British salt or a big enough Australian wound for the one to be rubbed into the other, so it see nahties was a revelation to me I had expected a backwater: yellow-cellophaned shop s displaying orange tank-tops and ten-year-old transistor radios, drunken ho Edna Everages and a sour ate, inferiority-coreatest Australophile could deny that those elements did and still do exist, but they were and are by no means predoh-quality and low-cost food and wine and vibrating with an optimistic prosperity that contrasted vividly with Britain's s The affluence and confidence astonished ht outdoorsy climate seerey, chilly pessi weather I could not know that Britain's e

Botham, the Musical opened in Perth, and orked our way across the continent, spending s in restaurants I learnt in Australia to love crayfish and oysters: oysters raw, oysters Rockefeller, oysters Kilpatrick and oysters Casino At Doyle's seafood restaurant, which I still visit whenever I ae lobster-like creatures the Moreton Bay and Bals This was also the first time I had ever seen wine sold varietally, where the bottles displayed the narape variety, rather than the chateau, estate or doin This is so accepted now as to be unworthy of notice Only the Old World clings to its Barolo, Bordeaux and Mosel labellings everywhere else you know frolance at the bottle that the wine is non, Te said which, thirty years later it is clear that easy familiarity with varieties has not entirely penetrated Britain I saw an edition of opened in Perth, and orked our way across the continent, spending s in restaurants I learnt in Australia to love crayfish and oysters: oysters raw, oysters Rockefeller, oysters Kilpatrick and oysters Casino At Doyle's seafood restaurant, which I still visit whenever I ae lobster-like creatures the Moreton Bay and Bals This was also the first time I had ever seen wine sold varietally, where the bottles displayed the narape variety, rather than the chateau, estate or doin This is so accepted now as to be unworthy of notice Only the Old World clings to its Barolo, Bordeaux and Mosel labellings everywhere else you know frolance at the bottle that the wine is non, Te said which, thirty years later it is clear that easy familiarity with varieties has not entirely penetrated Britain I saw an edition of The Weakest Link The Weakest Link not so long ago where, to the question 'What are Merlot, shi+raz and Chardonnay?', the contestant offered the answer 'Footballers' wives?' not so long ago where, to the question 'What are Merlot, shi+raz and Chardonnay?', the contestant offered the answer 'Footballers' wives?'

Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne, Canberra, Sydney, Brisbane, Hobart, Launceston, Burnie and Albury Wodonga were all ticked off the itinerary before it was tiland We broke the journey in Singapore, staying for two nights at Raffles Hotel, where we ran out of money

Clash of Cultures I arip the chromium rail to steady myself The contrast between side astonishesHill I ae Place that will change my life

For the most part Australia had seemed to take to our co in s triu ue, the Shakespeare Masterclass, the Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett sketch, songs, sketches and quickies that we knew backwards I re them in ten years' time I blush to reveal that I performed Dracula for a charity show in Winchester just three o, a full twenty-nine years after I wrote it But if, and it was an if as wide as the distance between Sydney and London, ere tonewto make a ' a Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning sketch

In 1981 a great schism had apparently started to open up in the jolly world of humorous entertainment I cannot recall when I first heard the phrase 'alternative co Alexei Sayle on television duringlike a puppet, crammed a la Tommy Cooper into a double-breasted suit a size too sed brilliantly about posey middle-class liberals I subsequently learnt that his best lines were actually from the resolutely hts alumnus Clive Anderson, but that is not to take away the impact Sayle had The tireless and surreal rants, all spat out in a Liverpudlian accent you could grate cheese with, combined with the look of a swarthy silent-nore, a kind of anarcho-syndicalist John Belushi+ but Lithuanian, Jewish and rebarbative where Belushi+ was Albanian, Orthodox and cuddly When I firsthe e and, due to that manner that I have never been able to shake off, Establishiti the working-class, state-school son of a cohtly conde-class and ashano class, of being declasse declasse and and deracine deracine, of being bohemian-class, eternal-student-class, artist-class I missed all those by a mile and continue to this day to reek more of the Garrick Club than the Groucho Club, but that has never stopped , in my doomed, futile and pointless way, to be free We all have our strange ways of coping, or failing to cope Over the years I got on perfectly politely and almost amiably with Alexei and his wife, Linda, but I a unkindness and aggression towards Ben Elton By the end of the decade and throughout the nineties he missed no opportunity to take pot-shots at Ben, unjustly accusing hi somehow inauthentic, derivative and abjectly unworthy of the label comedian or alternative Well, all that came later, and I dare say he has calmed do: the point is that, for a short few years, Sayle stood out as the most visible symbol of this new movement and at the ti to him and his cohorts

I am not by nature a pessimist but I did wonder if the door had closed on types like us Co, and I feared that in the career sense our co ay off Not the Nine O'Clock News Not the Nine O'Clock Neith three Oxbridge perforhts producer John Lloyd and its Oxford chief writer Richard Curtis was surely the last hurrah of our kind And good riddance, the world was saying What punk had done forfor comedy The classic 'Ah Perkins, co with the tuck box and the old school tie This is how it seemed to us in our darker moments I am now fully aware of a fact that will be obvious to you but of which back then I was only dimly conscious, so easy it is to believe that events, history and circuainst one While we may have feared e feared you can be sure that squadrons of cos had quite contrary anxieties They looked at a BBC doraduates who all appeared to read the same books and newspapers, talk the same way, refer to the same arcane experiences and share the same tastes There was no Channel 4 at this point, no cable, no satellite, just BBC1, BBC2, BBC radio A single ITV channel offered variety shows and the last heroes of the great musical-hall tradition in comedians like Benny Hill, Morecambe and Wise and Tolorious exception of Rising Da If you were froround I can quite see how Fortress Broadcasting must have appeared unassailable Froh and I would have looked like pampered noblesse for whom the portcullis was respectfully raised, the banner hoisted and fires lit in the great hall It is perhaps unseemly to emphasize how far from true we felt this to be, but unseearet Thatcher was nature oratoricalhair, shoulder pads, political division and conspicuous consumption all to be eed Unseemly emphasis was in the air and nowhereoutside the castle gates

Peter Rosengard, a life insurance salese's breakfasts, had visited the Coether with Don Ward, a co up rock and roll crowds, he had launched the London Comedy Store, a small room above a topless bar in Walker's Court, Soho Already by 1981 the Coue nouvelle vague in comedy a s azine in comedy a s ly leftist breakaway rival and its achingly leftist breakaway rival City Limits City Limits, a movement that tapped the discontent and desire for difference of a student generation ery Britain Squadrons of young rooves of London Calling London Calling, talked the talk of gender politics and walked the walk of CND and Rock Against Racism It is not to be wondered that they were unsatisfied with the co Served?, The Russ Abbott Madhouse The Russ Abbott Madhouse and and Never the Twain Never the Twain

The house of entertainment was comprised of two families: the traditional, to which dick Emery, Mike Yarwood, the Two Ronnies, Bruce Forsyth and the above-mentioned imed, and the graduate, that dynasty started by Peter Cook, which swelled to its full greatness under Monty Python and was now co to a full stop, or so we feared, with the Not Not team of John Lloyd, Rowan Atkinson, Richard Curtis, Mel Sers all Was the new comedy represented by Alexei Sayle, Ben Elton, French and Saunders, Rik Mayall, Ade Ed under an alternative to the first family or to the second? Well, round chatter of the times which made out that it was all a class war Alexei Sayle went to Chelsea Art College and was the most Pythonesque of all the comedians with his streams of absurdist surreality and deliberately recondite frames of reference French and Saunders met at drama school Elton, Edmondson and Mayall had all been students at Manchester University together The truth is that very few of the first wave of alternative coot their education from the streets or the school of hard knocks; in fact as an old lag team of John Lloyd, Rowan Atkinson, Richard Curtis, Mel Sers all Was the new comedy represented by Alexei Sayle, Ben Elton, French and Saunders, Rik Mayall, Ade Ed under an alternative to the first family or to the second? Well, round chatter of the times which made out that it was all a class war Alexei Sayle went to Chelsea Art College and was the most Pythonesque of all the comedians with his streams of absurdist surreality and deliberately recondite frames of reference French and Saunders met at drama school Elton, Edmondson and Mayall had all been students at Manchester University together The truth is that very few of the first wave of alternative coot their education from the streets or the school of hard knocks; in fact as an old lag I I ht be said to be the ht preposterous enough to show that the idea of there being a group of working-class couided All the corounds as ever, and there was plenty of old-school silly sketch coy stand-up It is true that there was an alternative ht be said to be the ht preposterous enough to show that the idea of there being a group of working-class couided All the corounds as ever, and there was plenty of old-school silly sketch coy stand-up It is true that there was an alternative audience audience ere ready for soht be said to have released the energy that was now being called 'alternative' Soave the best definition of alternative comedians I have yet to hear 'They're the sa different, and their dey that was now being called 'alternative' Soave the best definition of alternative comedians I have yet to hear 'They're the saeist Zeitgeist then it was frankly hts show had won the Perrier Award and that I was now stepping off a Tube train and looking for that address in Pee Place then it was frankly hts show had won the Perrier Award and that I was now stepping off a Tube train and looking for that address in Pe the doorbell and was buzzed in to an upstairs flat Hugh, Emma and Paul Shearer were already present Jon Plowman, whose flat it as busy with coffee cups He was the pert young Englishh Sandy Ross, the pink-faced producer who had been with hi fellow of earnest aspect

'This is Ben Elton, he has just graduated from Manchester'

Sandy outlined his plan: that those of us assembled should form ourselves into a team of writerperformers and create a new comedy show for Granada Television We were to write and rehearse here in London and then go up to film and record at the studios in Manchester Ben was already in thewith his university friend Rik Mayall and Rik's girlfriend, Lise Mayer, on the writing of a new comedy series for the BBC, a kind of anti-sitco Ones We, for our part, were also committed to the BBC, not for a series but just to record We, for our part, were also committed to the BBC, not for a series but just to record The Cellar Tapes for a one-off transmission for a one-off transmission

The idea behind the new Granada show, Sandy Ross explained, was to co with the anarchic, edgy style (he used those words) of Ben, his confreres and all that they represented Since there were four of us and only one of hi in At Least Soham, Nick le Prevost and Alfred Molina were floated, and perhaps others that I do not recall Another girl was also required For a tiht be the Scottish poet and playwright Liz Lochhead She came to a rehearsal, I recall, was clearly not impressed hat she found and declined to be involved Instead Sandy and Jon found a perky young actress, also Scottish, called Siobhan Redmond In time most of the men in the production were destined to fall for her, myself included in my own peculiar way

In the o forth and write

As I look back through the years at that period of my life, occluded, discoloured and scratched by ties and abuses to which my poor mind and body were since subjected, it all seems so improbable, and for reasons thatof the kind, of course, it was slightly frightening but deliriously thrilling

Without ever expressing it in any deliberate or calculated way I think Hugh and I understood that ere some kind of a team Not a double act, but somehow inevitably and eternally linked The worry upperh, or Emma or Kim or anyone else, hether or not I was in any way funny I think I was confident that I itty witty, that I was assured, articulate and verbally dextrous with a pen in ers, but between funny and witty falls the shadow

I believed that being funny, being able to cause laughter through expression,soift similar to athleticism,to do with a self-confidence with the body that I had never had, a self-confidence that allowed physical relaxation and ease that theenerate more self-confidence This was the source of all ames field, fear of the dance floor, athletic ineptitude, sexual shyness, lack of coordination and grace, hatred of my face and body This could be traced all the way back to kindergarten Music and Moveed' I was not even able to do that, could not so awky fool My knees stuck up, and iven to soift similar to athleticism,to do with a self-confidence with the body that I had never had, a self-confidence that allowed physical relaxation and ease that theenerate more self-confidence This was the source of all ames field, fear of the dance floor, athletic ineptitude, sexual shyness, lack of coordination and grace, hatred of my face and body This could be traced all the way back to kindergarten Music and Moveed' I was not even able to do that, could not so awky fool My knees stuck up, and my self-confidence sank

I had lived twenty years convinced thatfor ue and e, attributes that can cause people to be as much disliked as admired They were adequate for very particular kinds of coues and sketches that I had writtenhappily But I lived, as I have already indicated, in dread of double-takes, slow burns, pratfalls and those other apparently essential co, i as dance steps or tennis strokes I kno infantile and silly such fears may sound, but in comedy confidence is parae, and that is enough to strangle laughter before it is born I saw in Hugh, Eifts that I knew I did not share and was sure I could never acquire Besides which, they could all sing and dance Who could possibly make a career in sobsiness if they lackedEven Peter Cook was hts convinced that Sandy Ross and Jon Ploould see my inadequacies at once and quietly drop ht ask me to stay on purely as a writer Perhaps I would not mind that too much, but it would be a humiliation and one that I did not relish A part of me I have to confess this, moronic, puerile and cheap as it may sound really did ache to be a star I wanted to be famous, admired, stared at, known, applauded and liked

There, I have said it It is not theconfession for a perfor to admit to such a shallow ambition There was no question that Eh would make it too but I worried myself silly that I would be left out, like the last one to be picked to play for the teah, but I had enjoyed the luxury oforld, one which was looking towards the punkier end of the coed to be the one who didn't quite quite have what it took Perhaps a little writing, perhaps so like the stardoh and ERik Mayall have what it took Perhaps a little writing, perhaps so like the stardoh and ERik Mayall

Exactly what I eniusself-assurance and an astoundingly natural appeal that radiated out at the audience like a ther, childish, vain and inconsequential in a way that sihted You didn't question it, analyse it, applaud its cleverness, appreciate its socialor adht any natural phenoifts I possessed appeared shrivelled, pale and underdeveloped In the co in the adult world like being back at school all over again? It seely likely

Meanwhile, I could at least throw hts

Hugh, Emma, Tony, Paul, Penny and I arrived at the BBC for the televising of The Cellar Tapes at exactly the ti the finishi+ng touches to the at exactly the ti the finishi+ng touches to the Young Ones Young Ones scripts and Peter Richardson, Ade Edmondson, Rik, Dawn French, Jenny Saunders and Robbie Coltrane were preparing to shoot the Comic Strip film scripts and Peter Richardson, Ade Edmondson, Rik, Dawn French, Jenny Saunders and Robbie Coltrane were preparing to shoot the Comic Strip film Five Go Mad in Dorset Five Go Mad in Dorset It is hardly surprising that we felt a little like the New Seekers sharing the bill with the sex Pistols

We moved deeper into the realms of the truly old-fashi+oned e met the producer whom the BBC had allocated us He was a thin, jerky ly of whisky and unfiltered Senior Service cigarettes Which is hardly surprising since he had no other diet When he introduced hi a distant muffled bell

'How do you do? Dennis Main Wilson'

Dennis Main Wilson as that so faht Like Chorlton-cua y Gasset, one of those triple naue as if one had always known them, while in truth one is never quite sure to whoht refer as that so faht Like Chorlton-cua y Gasset, one of those triple naue as if one had always known them, while in truth one is never quite sure to whoht refer

Dennis Main Wilson was in fact the greatest coeneration On the radio he had produced the first two series of The Goon Show The Goon Show and the first four series of and the first four series of Hancock's Half Hour Hancock's Half Hour: for those alone his grave should for ever be festooned with flowers and his memory eternally cherished On television he was responsible for bringing us The Rag Trade The Rag Trade, Till Death Us Do Part Till Death Us Do Part, Marty Marty with the great Marty Feldreat Marty Feldreat Eric Sykes Perhaps most crucially of all in terms of television history, he derand and established prograreed one day to read a script presented to hi staff can always find a way to avoid unsolicited material Dennis was made of kindlier stuff and accepted the shyly proffered sheaf ofenthusiasm that always characterized him The scene-shi+fter's name was John Sullivan, and his script was called with the equally great Eric Sykes Perhaps most crucially of all in terms of television history, he derand and established prograreed one day to read a script presented to hi staff can always find a way to avoid unsolicited material Dennis was made of kindlier stuff and accepted the shyly proffered sheaf ofenthusiasm that always characterized him The scene-shi+fter's name was John Sullivan, and his script was called Citizen Sreat success and launched the career of Robert Lindsay Sullivan followed it up with Only Fools and Horses Only Fools and Horses, which I think one may safely call the an, on account of Dennis's predilection for alcohol, had nicknamed him Dennis Main Drain and there is no question that he was a mockable entity His tweed jacket, Brylcreeed to another age, an age far removed from the excitements of alternative comedy and youth entertain to offer the world As a devotee of radio comedy I would have admired him whatever his character; as it is I adored hi conviction One thing, however, we soon discovered was essential when it ca with Dennis Main Wilson Noat twelve, one, two, three or four o'clock in the afternoon we had to s should be at nine, ten or eleven in theIt was a simple question of productivity The comedy department at Television Centre was on the sixth floor, with Dennis's office directly opposite the BBC Club, which was essentially a bar Everyat eleven thirty he would make the ten-yard journey fro its blue ribbon of sers, a pint of bitter and a double scotch on the bar in front of him, he would enthral and absorb us with tales of Hattie Jacques, Peter Sellers and Sid Ja wore on his ability to concentrate on our little show and its loo date would becoin nervously to wonder whether there would even be a studio booked, props organized or caht Catch Dennis at nine in the , however, and he was a ball of fire His fleshless body twitched and jerked, his fingers stabbed the air with each excited new idea, and his chesty, tobacco-enriched chuckle infected us all with grandiose self-belief He gave us the impression that as far as he was concerned ere cut froan and Tony Hancock Such attention and respect frolow This was perhaps counterbalanced by his coe or even interest in the neave lapping up against the ramparts A small, disloyal, insecure part of e the era of thehim that rock and roll was a temporary blip Dennis saw us as respectful inheritors of the Golden Age mantle and the new alternative comics as vandals and interlopers ere of no account I, for such is reasy sycophant desperate to please, part show-off, part genuine enthusiast played up to this with endless talk of Mabel Constanduros, Sandy Powell, Gert and Daisy, Mr Flotsam and Mr Jetsam and other music-hall radio stars for whom I had a passion

We rehearsed in the BBC block popularly known as the North Acton Hilton Each floor in this dull, impersonal tower tucked away in a dull and impersonal suburb had two sets of purpose-built rehearsal rooms and production offices Not that I knew it then, but this soulless, sick-building-syndro exterior, flickering fluorescent strip-lighting and sht years through successive series of Blackadder Blackadder and and A Bit of Fry and Laurie A Bit of Fry and Laurie I loved it I loved the canteen, where you could nod hello to Nicholas Lyndhurst and David Jason, the kids froe Hill or the dancers from or the dancers from Top of the Pops Top of the Pops I loved the poles on plinths in the rehearsal rooms that could be moved around to stand in for doorways and entrances I loved the tape on the floor that marked out rooms and camera positions in different colours, like sports-hall courts I loved looking out across the dreary roofs of west London and knowing that I was here, working for the BBC with All Creatures Great and Small All Creatures Great and Small next door and next door and Doctor Who Doctor Who the floor above the floor above

As we rehearsed The Cellar Tapes The Cellar Tapes I had no knowledge of the years and series to come, of course, and no idea that it was quite normal for technical runs to be played out in silence Let e of the years and series to come, of course, and no idea that it was quite normal for technical runs to be played out in silence Let me explain

Multi-camera studio comedy perforle-cao Back then it was the usualelse on those skirted rostrum studio cameras that wheel around on castors and which inspired Terry Nation to dream up the Daleks If you watch Fawlty Towers Fawlty Towers or other cohties you can see the rainy exterior film and shi+ny interior video No one seemed to mind then, perhaps because TV reception and resolution were poorer, perhaps because we accepted e had always been given or other cohties you can see the rainy exterior film and shi+ny interior video No one seemed to mind then, perhaps because TV reception and resolution were poorer, perhaps because we accepted e had always been given

The schedule for recording went like this You went out into the world and shot the exteriors that your script de the rest, the studio element It was traditional to tape the show on a Sunday, I suppose because busy actors often worked in the theatre on other nights On Fridayat Acton came the occasion of the Tech Run The camera and sound crews, set, production, costume and make-up personnel would all troop into the rehearsal rooh of the show And this is where, in March 1982, we received the greatest blow to our coos that we had yet experienced

Silence

Silence, the coh sketch after sketch and song after song Not a s and the occasional note scribbled on to a Xeroxed copy of the script

When we had finished the last nuan to clear of technical people ent off into a corner and watched in a frightened huddle as the lighting director and nuered to ask John Kilby, the director, one or two questions When they had at last gone Dennis bounded up to us