Vol 1 Chapter 6 (1/2)

「Return: Chapter 6

“Are you alright? Have you calmed down?”

“……Yes……”

Afterhad so worried

“I’ deeply

“No……”

As he continued to apologize, I prayed that this ay’ Gay……I didn’t honestly perceive ay If someone asked me if I felt sexual interest towards the same sex, I was certain that I would immediately reply ‘no’ But what if someone asked me, what about ‘him’? If they asked me whether I felt sexual interest towards ‘his, either emotionally or physically towards him, then I would probably hesitate in my answer

I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to give a definite answer, so because of this, I wanted to avoid shi+rai’s question I didn’t understand what shi+rai was getting at by asking such a thing Perhaps I acted like I was gay? Oh, but of course,himself a same-sex partner? As soon as the word ‘same-sex partner’ caht I was a possibility Inadvertently, I looked at shi+rai

shi+rai caught aze, smiled, and then said, “I like you”

“………”

Two thoughts swirled in my mind: ‘I knew it’ and ‘that’s ridiculous’ It all made sense to me now I now understood the reason he had cut ties with his parents It was because he was gay My thinking ‘that’s ridiculous’ came from the fact that there was no way a popular man like shi+rai, as considered marvelous in both his appearance and personality by everyone regardless of gender, would co ? It would be ht, but shi+rai’s eyes had an honest light in them

“I like you……but there’s no need for you to think you can’t turn s up, if I ay, you may tell me so I won’t act differently towards you if that is the case, oh, and of course I won’t tell you to get out of the apart to sound cheerful

I realized that this was because a long ti

“Ah, u this

“Hm?”

shi+rai stopped talking and looked questioningly at me, his head tilted to one side, and I was at a loss about how I should answer him I had two choices: yes or no Had shi+rai really been serious when he had told me that he liked me? I wasn’t sure, but it seemed that his attitude and tone of voice were serious What should I do? I panicked as shi+rai waited patiently for me to speak But even as he waited on me, I could not come up with an answer

‘I’m sorry’ were the obvious words I should have said But I didn’t have the courage to flatly turn down my boss’s confession It wasn’t like I didn’t trust hi to harass rateful for how iven me this whole time, that I felt like there was no way I could flatly reject hi said, I couldn’t reciprocate shi+rai’s feelings As soon as I would reciprocate, ould become lovers, but if ere to becos that lovers do I couldn’t i shi+rai nor had I any desire to do so

If you ‘can’ do so, then you are able accept it and do it without much protest, but when it comes to whether you ‘want’ to do it or not, then you can’t make yourself do it even if you try That was how I felt

Whether or not he had done everything up until noith an ulterior rateful to hiratitude and express it, I felt like I could endure it to some extent But to endure it all the way, I myself did not wish that Would the person who truly felt feelings of love, really desire for his partner to just ‘endure’ it? If I was shi+rai and my partner did that, I would be hurt No ht, I couldn’t cohts just went round and round in circles Time passed by in silence Then shi+rai was the one who broke this unbearable silence

“……Do you at least not feel disgusted?”

“Yes, I……” I was surprised and confused, but I didn’t feel ‘disgusted’ I answered honestly, but it see considerate and being polite

“You can tell , you know? I understand to an extent how people who hate gays feel Because my parents were like that, you see That’s why if you feel like that, it’s okay, I completely don’t mind”

Although I didn’t feel disgusted by his wordy explanation, I felt inconvenienced I didn’t hold any feelings of disgust towards gays Actually,this, a face of one man popped into my mind

“When I first met you…I think I fell in love”

A beautiful, pleasant, baritone voice rang in my ear

That beauty mark by the mouth That white transparent-like skin Those misty, black eyes And……

“……shi+mizu-kun?”

When he called my name a little bit louder, I came to my senses

“I- I’m sorry I spaced out a little……”

I quickly apologized to shi+rai in front ofa smile

“If you don’t feel disgusted, then I wonder, can I invite you out to eat like this again?”

“………”

shi+rai had a very nervous expression on his face I hesitated about how to answer, but I realized that if I kept silent, shi+rai would definitely assuht that o out for at least a o out to eat, then I would be giving hiood, would it? I continued to hesitate, caught between these two thoughts, but then gave in to pressure and answered him

“Yes,” I said

“shi+mizu-kun……”

A smile appeared on shi+rai’s stiff facial expression

“………”

Had I ht choice? I had only done this to avoid an unpleasant ret fillback now

“Thank you Really……”

I feltfilled with emotion

“No, there’s…there’s nothing to thank me for……”

When ent out to eat, no, not only ent out to eat, when I went out anywhere with shi+rai, I had never paid for anything Of course I had insisted on paying, but shi+rai had never let o out to eat next tiain So it too’ To me, shi+rai was no other than a reliable boss This would never change I should let shi+rai know this, I thought but didn’t say it I was protecting myself If I complicated my relationshi+p with shi+rai, it would be hard to work under him after that

This made me seem like an awfully indecent man…actually, I was indecent…

With these thoughts, I fell into self-hatred

If that was the case, then I should act like one

In the end, after everything had happened, I continued talking to shi+rai, who had changed the subject as if nothing had happened We eagerly talked about the future of the project

Every ti out, shi+rai escorted me to my apartment

We took the saot out before me Such was the way he escorted me Naturally, I was sorry for this, so today, I decided to take the train home

“No need to worry Besides, it’s not like I’e,” shi+rai said, al to forceI was sorry, and overcame him

“Really, it’s okay”

Perhaps shi+rai had caught on He shrugged his shoulders like he had given up and looked unhappy

“I’m sorry……Thank you for the meal”

Today he had treated ain shi+rai had said that he didn’t have any ulterior motives, but he treated me to an expensive meal every time, escorted me to my apartment, and took me out to have fun I received so many favors from him that it was quite too much Because of this, I feared that it was unnatural of him to say that he didn’t have any ulteriorthis, but if I were a hos for a person I ‘liked’ without a special reason behind it I knew that shi+rai was more of a noble man than I was; nevertheless, I couldn’t help but think that it was impossible to do all of this without an ulterior motive So since I knew that I could never satisfy this ‘ulterior motive’, I could not happily accept so much kindness from such a noble man

shi+rai, as usually persistent in persuading, gave up on me when I said I would take the subway, so he also took the subway ho in the opposite direction

It was very crowded inside the coht before the last train departs, so as I got on, I wondered howto be like after this I thought I was thinking about that, but I realized that ht

“I don’t want you to forget”

Those black, s eyes

“Your body is so lewd”

Those flexible, coiling ars

“You won’t forget about me?”

He definitely existed in this world

I used to dreaion, I becaular basis Because of that, I had stopped drea

Now, I desired to see hio to bed without taking the pills I wished to dream about him

“……Idiot……”

I cahed At that tiasaki Hospital, why hadn’t I kept on searching for him? I should have pursued him But time cannot be turned back no matter how ret Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but regret it anyway Perhaps because I sighed so deeply, the people around reat interest

“………”

It’s nothing, I looked down, trying to let theain, ‘his’ face appeared in ed inside ofthe part of my suit near my heart