26 25. Magical Hope (1/2)

I sat on a bench, three benches away from Samara, in the awfully crowded park, not knowing how to approach her. My heart was beating faster than I thought was possible just by staring at her going through a bizarre-looking book with her fingers. My heart only seemed to take a break when someone passed by and blocked my sight of her.

I was about to get up and approach her when my phone vibrated in my pocket. My train of thoughts was cut as I took it out distractedly and answered, not looking at the caller's ID.

There was a lot of panting. ”Julius?”

I blinked a couple of times before lowering the phone to actually look at the ID.

”Sam,” he gulped on the other side. ”She died.” Augustus' voice quavered and I was floored back to my senses. ”Can we meet? Please.” His voice thickened and I closed my open mouth, staring at some kids running around each other in a circle.

I bit my tongue. ”Be at the cafe next to Queen Mary's University by four,” I told him solidly, my heart pounding heavily in my chest.

I then hung up on Augustus. My half-brother who betrayed me.

I shook my head, promising myself to think about this issue some other time. All I needed to think about was approaching Samara before someone else does. So I got up and hesitantly walked to her bench, feeling light-headed and unfocused. I sat next to her and immediately noticed her index finger stop scanning the raised dots on her book.

”Samara?” I uttered her name as a whisper for the first time in a really long time. Almost a month.

”Long time, no see,” was all she said after a short pause, smiling tightly. ”How are you? Julius.”

I looked at her face. She looked disturbed, her posture was uptight and she tapped her feet more often. She pushed her sunglasses so that its frame touched her rosy cheeks before pinching her nose with her thumb and index finger.

”I am good. You?” I said calmly and slowly, not knowing what to expect.

”I've been good,” she said, clearing her throat softly. I frowned slightly at her odd response.

I've been good? - that response was incredibly troubling.

I stayed shut for a while as her long, slender fingers brushed the book's raised dots again.

Was she rejecting me?

”Samara?” I started again and she didn't look at me as her fingers continued their motion but at a faster pace. Seeing that she wasn't going to give in, I did. ”I'm sorry.”

She stopped 'reading' and looked up, her sunglasses glistening in the sun. She then looked at me with pursed lips and a deep frown. ”Where were you? All those days-” She was shaking her head, clearly agitated.

”I was so busy, I couldn't come to the pa-”

”Wrong answer.” She said, slamming her book closed. I gaped at her, not knowing what to say. She knew it all the time. She knew it when I was there. It shocked me beyond words.

And I was honest with her. ”I don't know what to say-”

”You don't have to say anything. Your actions said it all.” She stated sternly, getting up but I held her arm desperately, remembering the danger she was in. I just couldn't let her get away like that.

”I can explain myself. Please, listen,” I almost pleaded breathlessly as she grimaced.

”You could've told me. You could've warned me about your disappearance, you know? You could've made it clear that we were nothing more than occasional friends! Strangers, even! But you didn't. You left me. You left me, hoping. Hoping that I can have a friend. That I have a friend! But sensing you pass by me every day? Without even acknowledging my presence? That's harsh, Caesar. My hope that you'd sit next to me- that hope, Caesar, it broke my heart.” The words were gushing out of her mouth, strangled, and hurtful. ”Because for once, I counted on someone. I counted on you! But after all, I don't even need a friend. I know I am self-sufficient. I don't need you. All I needed was a warning.”

Tears slid down her cheeks, contradicting her words as I felt my heart falter. For some reason, I just couldn't handle seeing her sad- especially if it was because of me. I was not worth getting sad for.

I got up slowly and gently reached for both of her warm hands in my cold ones. ”I am sorry,” I repeated inexpertly, not knowing what else to say. She looked down before removing her small hands from my loose grip. I tilted my face to take a closer look at her. Her red face, her button nose, her rosy lips.

I stepped closer and pushed back some hair strands behind her ear with shaky fingers. Something about her proximity made me feel ridiculously vulnerable. Nervous even. I felt detached from the world when I was with her. Which was, needless to say, dangerous, because the world was attached to me and I couldn't escape it. Yet, I found it so difficult to remember my worries when I was with her.

Yes, this girl. She was lethal to me.

”I was scared for you,” I found myself saying while shamelessly staring at her lips. ”You don't know me,” I said truthfully. ”But Samara, you should know that whatever reasons kept me away from talking to you, it was for your good.”

She stepped away. ”That's your excuse? It was for my best?” She questioned disappointedly and I sighed heavily.

”It's true, Samara. I really don't know what I should say. But, look. Samara-” I paused to look at her hair that billowed around her soft face and under her black beanie. ”-whether you will forgive me or not, is fine by me. I messed up, so I shall handle the consequences you choose. Even if you choose to remove me from your life, then be it. But-” I paused to take a deep breath and shoved my hands in my pockets as a cold breeze ruffled through my hair, sending some strands over my eyes. ”There's a problem that needs your trust in me.”

She looked away and tapped her feet, processing what I said. ”And why should I trust you? Last time I did, you failed me. I trusted you with my secrets and feelings, the most valuable thing-”

”No, Samara. That is not the most valuable thing-” I stated too flatly and she raised her eyebrows.

”You don't think that's valuable?” She seemed shocked and my eyes widened in realization at what said.

”No!” I said quickly, shaking my head. ”God, no,” I then chuckled nervously. ”That's not what I meant.” I smiled momentarily. ”The most valuable thing that you can trust me with, is your life, Samara.”

She then laughed humorlessly. ”Julius, do you even hear yourself? This whole thing sounds absolutely absurd! And every word you utter disappoints me in you more and more. I don't understand what you want. I don't understand why you're here- now after so long. And most importantly, I don't understand why you're saying this!” She almost yelled, wringing her hands exasperatedly.

”You don't understand because you won't believe me!” I tried explaining exasperatedly. ”I told you I stayed away because I thought my presence would cause you so much trouble as Amanda said! And I'm here, now, to help you save the most valuable thing- your life!”

”You want to save my life?” She screwed her face and raised her eyebrows. ”From what?”

”That's a remarkably long story, so can we please sit and discuss the matter like normal homo-sapiens without having people ogle at us like this?” I asked impatiently.

Samara bit her lower lip, then brushed back some hair strands from her sunglasses. ”I am sorry.” She then blurted and I was taken aback.

”Goddammit, why are you apologizing now?”

”Because sometimes I forget who I am and what people tend to see me as.” Her voice dropped and I looked away, smiling at nothing in particular.

”And what do people see you as?” I asked softly.

”As a blind, vulnerable girl?” She said in a 'duh' tone. ”As someone who has to be grateful for anything life throws at ′accidentally'?”

I frowned. ”Is that how you see yourself?”