Part 3 (1/2)
Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I should have had no propensity to become avaricious I should have required no more, and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my precarious situation has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear I love liberty, and I loathe constraint, dependence, and all their kindred annoyances As long as my purse contains money it securesother money, a trouble of which I have always had a perfect horror; and the dread of seeing the end ofto part with my money The money that we possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we lack and strive to obtain is the instruht that I have, and yet covet nothing more
My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the pleasure of possessing is not in : and my dissipation is only another for pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it
I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between theit to obtain the desired object there is always an interval, however short; whereas to possess the thing is to enjoy it I see a thing and it te itself but only theit, I am not tempted
Therefore it is that I have been a pilferer, and am so even now, in the way of mere trifles to which I take a fancy, and which I find it easier to take than to ask for; but I never infroo, when I stole seven francs and ten sous The story is worth recounting, as it exhibits a concurrence of ignorance and stupidity I should scarcely credit, did it relate to any butwith M de Franceul at the Palais Royal; he pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to o: he takes two box tickets, gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I follow, find the door crowded; and, looking in, see every one standing; judging, therefore, that M de Franceul o out, ask forthe , that by then I had reached the door every one would be seated, and M de Franceulcould be more opposite to my natural inclination than this abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are ed by their actions: this was not stealing thethe use of it, and was thethe excuse of a temptation
I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the gradations through which I passed, during my apprenticeshi+p, froh I entered into most of the vices of my situation, I had no relish for its pleasures; the a, and when tooto a been neglected I thus colect ht on additional punishthened by constraint, became an unconquerable passion La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished ood or bad, I perused them with avidity, and without discrith, then, money became necessary”--true; but this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of resolution and activity; totally occupied by this new inclination, I only wished to read, I robbed no longer This is another offrequently calls ive in to the new idea; it becootten
Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run over the new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was alone, I seized the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no longer of ru my uilty of such meanness; and had er felt an inclination to continue it La Tribu gave me credit, and when once I had the book in ht no more of the trifle I was to pay for it; as money came it naturally passed to this wo was so conveniently at hand as ht, and robbing to pay was no temptation
The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and ill-chosen studies, rendered h ood fortune I was a stranger to licentious or obscene ones; not that La Tribu (as very acco these, on the contrary, to enhance their worth she spoke of them with an air of mystery; this produced an effect she had not foreseen, for both shaust made me constantly refuse them
Chance so well seconded e of thirty before I saw any of those dangerous compositions
In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu's scanty library, and was unhappy for want of further ah frequently bad, had worn off ht back my heart to nobler sentiusted with all withinthat was out of it, my present situation appeared extreth, I felt their influence, without knohither they would conduct ht of ht no further
At this tiination took a turn which helped to cal emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the books I had read, which produced theeffect on my mind; to recall, combine, and apply thees my recollection presented, and be continually in those fancied circureeable toto place myself in these fictitious situations, the idea of reat inary objects, and the facility hich I could gain possession of the around me, and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been predominant We shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in appearance, but which proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate, too ardent, which, for want of similar dispositions, is constrained to content itself with nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction It is sufficient, at present, to have traced the origin of a propensity which hastoo much ardor to my wishes, has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them
Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented withthat surroundedthe pleasures co I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable realities
Every Sunday, after ser ly have been excused, but when once engaged in a than any of thee or restraintrait in my character
In our country walks I was ever fore till reed to be fro been shut before I could reach theine what treats; but I was promised such a reception for the third, that I er of it Notwithstanding ression,been rendered useless by a cursed captain, naate he had charge of an hour before the usual tiot within half a league of the city, when I heard them beat the tattoo; I redouble e, see the soldiers already at their posts, I call out to them in a suffocated voice--it is too late; I ae is already drawn up, and I tremble to see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and inevitable destiny, which froan to pursue lacis in a transport of despair, while hed at the accident, ih different from theirs, was equally sudden; on the spot, I swore never to return to , when my companions entered the city, I bade the them at the same time to inform ht see me for the last time
From the commencement of my apprenticeshi+p I had seldom seen him; at first, indeed,each other on Sundays, but each acquiring different habits, our s were less frequent I ae; he was to consider himself as a person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice; notwithstanding our relationshi+p, equality no longer subsisted between us, and it was degrading hiood heart his mother's lessons did not take an immediate effect, and for so learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had appointed, not, however, to dissuade reeable, by so presents, as ave s, a small sword, which I was very proud of, and took with me as far as Turin, where absolute want constrained me to dispose of it The more I reflect on his behavior at this critical moment, the more I am persuaded he followed the instructions of his mother, and perhaps his father likewise: for, had he been left to his own feelings, he would have endeavored to retain, or have been teed the design, and when he sawmuch affected, left me to my fate We never sarote to each other froret this loss, for his heart was essentially good, and we see friendshi+p
Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me contemplate for a moment the prospect that awaitedcould have been reeable to my disposition, or more likely to confer happiness, than the peaceful condition of a good artificer, in so respectable a line as engravers are considered at Geneva I could have obtained an easy subsistence, if not a fortune; this would have bounded e in moderate pleasures, and should have continued in o beyond it Having an iination sufficiently fertile to eh to transport me from one to another, it was immaterial in which I was fixed: that was best adapted tothe least care or exertion, left the mind most at liberty; and this happiness I should have enjoyed In ion, family and friends, I should have passed a cal occupation, and aood Christian, a good citizen, a good friend, a good man I should have relished my condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and after having passed a life of happy obscurity, surrounded by otten, but while reret
Instead of this--what a picture am I about to draw!--Alas! why should I anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will have but too much of the melancholy subject
THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU (In 12 books)
Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society
London, 1903
BOOK II