CH 3 (1/2)

Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter3

Chapter 3 The First Handnote- Shuuji Kataoka’s Confession

“Shuuji-senpai…”

That‟s what Takeda-san called me

Takeda-san didn‟t tell

I waited until Takeda-san stopped crying, then I accompanied her back to her house We both

shared a single purple umbrella as we sloalked ho

very hard, her eyes became very red, and she kept her head low the whole way I tried to

discreetly note her condition, and I noticed that her lips were a bit swollen, with blood seeping

out Sometimes she would secretly raise her head to look atof unsure (or

unsecure) would show in her hazes, as if she was trying to ascertain so Then she would

nervously lower her head, and blink a few times

Pretty soon we arrived at a 2 story high building that is surrounded by beautiful flowerbeds We

said goodbye to one another

“Thank you for walking me home, senpai”

“No problee your clothes That will make you warmer”

Takeda-san raised her head and looked atat me as if there was

so written on ain, and she lowered her head

After she bid me farewell, she turned around to the front entry that was decorated with a

handn, and slowly disappeared inside

On the following day during the break after the first period, Takeda-san didn‟t come to find me I

remained stationed in hout the whole period

Because of this, I accidentally made eye contact with Kotobuki-san, as just about to enter

the classroom

(Wah, what should I do)

The other side seemed to panic at well She became motionless at the door But then she bit her

lip, and with some hesitation, walked towards me

“This is the change you wanted yesterday”

After she said that, she curtly extended her fist towards me

“Ahhh, thanks…eh, 50 yen?”

Kotobuki-san had put a 50 yen coin onto my hand

“That‟s…10 yen extra”

“I know that So give me 10 yen in return”

“Ehhh…Sorry I don‟t have any change with ht now”

“Then give it to me at a later date”

She mumbled resentfully She seemed ready to leave, yet she remained beside my desk

“…Today, Takeda Chia didn‟t come”

“Ahh…yeah That‟s right”

“Hey, yesterday after school…Inoue, you walked straight into the classrooht? At that

?”

As she said that, she gazed fixedly at me

I put on a gentle smile

“Eh? Hear what?”

Kotobuki-san turned red instantly

“You didn‟t hear anything…that‟s good”

She concluded the conversation with this, turned around, and walked back to her seat

All that‟s left is the 50 yen coin in my palm

The school bell started to ring softly, signifying that period tas about to begin

(Aah, Takeda-san…she really didn‟t come)

The time is after the second period, and Takeda-san is still nowhere in sight

I orried that she got a cold and was absent, so I decided to find her As I andering

back and forth near her classroo and

laughing as they came out of the classroom

“Hurray! Yotsu-chan you are a! Ok! I too ait until it‟s his birthday, and I will bake

him a birthday cake as well Ah”

The cheerful looking Takeda-san noticed me She widened her eyes, and she put her hand down

“Konoha-senpai…”

“Goo-Good ”

“Gosh, why did you co me, senpai? Ah, sorry, Yotsu-chan, I will be

going first Konoha-senpai, here here”

Takeda-san grabbedsteps, she walked forward

(Ah, what? How did she become so lively all of a sudden?)

She took the puzzled me to a deserted place, turned around and smiled at me

“Ehh, I didn‟t think that Konoha-senpai would co for me, I was very surprised”

“Well, since you were crying so hard yesterday, I orried”

“Ah, about that? I am fine already Maybe my mind just became a bit too tense, or maybe the

rain made me depressed…or it‟s because Konoha-senpai is too kind…I couldn‟t help but play

darling with you [TR note: I don‟t kno to translate this phase properly, could someone

help for Please forget what happened

yesterday”

With her face blushi+ng furiously, and the way she waved her arms as she talked, she looked like

the Takeda from any other day I couldn‟t help but doubtface of hers a

mere hallucination?

“Did so happen between you and Shuuji-senpai?”

The boy that was looking for Takeda, was he Shuuji-senpai? After all, he did call Takeda-san

with the intimate nickname „Chi‟…

Takeda-san‟s expression quickly became clouded

Ahh, so did happen

“…That…soot Shuuji-senpai's letter, the letter

says…”

Letter?

“Ah! But! I feel energetic now~~~”

Takeda san lifted her head and forced herself to smile at me

“Right! Konoha-senpai Have you brought today‟s letter?”

“Yeah I brought it”

I handed her the neatly folded report paper, and she seemed to cheer up from the inside out

“Thank you so much! I think after Shuuji-senpai reads the letter, he too will becoetic

again Ah, my next class is in a different classroo then Kyaa!”

Takeda-san tripped and almost fell, but thankfully I steadied her before she reached the ground

“Ehehe, sorry I am really clumsy Bye!”

She once again stepped out her unsteady steps, and with a rhythmic „patapata‟ noise [TR:

onoh I am still concerned about her, all I did was see

her off

Shuuji-senpai has so him in his mind, that‟s what Takeda-san said

Takeda-san was crying quite severely, these two events are probably related

That Shuuji Kataoka, what kind of a person is he? Up to this point, I have written many letters to

him already, but all I know about him are words I heard from Takeda-san

As a 3rd year ood at acting silly and

h

He always has an outgoing s archery would he have

a serious expression

Even without talking with hientle After you talk with him, you

will realize he is also kind and empathic…

These are the things Takeda-san said

What if Shuuji-senpai is not the kind of person Takeda thought he is? It is common to hear

stories about a person who has his judgment clouded by his emotions

“Hey, Akutagawa-kun, are you in the Archery club?”

During the cleanup duty tiawa-kun

“Yes”

Right now Akutagawa-kun is carrying the table He answered emotionlessly with an adult-like

deep voice

He is not mad at my intrusion; he has always been very economic with his words I have never

seen hih loudly With his cool look, he probably is very popular with the girls When I

walked to his side and lifted my head to look at him, I found that he was completely different

from me He is very tall, his arly-built, and his face is also

very cool looking He really is a handsome fellow

“A the third years in the Archery Club, is there a student called Shuuji Kataoka?”

Akutagawa thought about this a bit, and impassively answered-

“No, I do not know”

“Eh? What? Did I make a mistake with the name? Is there a person that has nicknames like „Suuchan‟

or „Kajuu senpai‟?”

“There is someone name Fujimura Shuuya in the club, but he is in 2nd year, not 3rd year Also, I

don‟t think anyone calls him „Suu chan‟ or „Kajuu senpai‟”

“Eeh, really? Is there anyone else with the name Suu?”

“I don‟t recall”

What is going on? Did Takeda-san make a mistake with the name? But, this explanation would

only work before she confesses; she confessed already, they even write letters to one another,

they probably talked a lot as well I suppose it is possible that she misremembered the name

Akutagawa finally finishedthe tables He turned towards me

“That Shuuji-senpai you mentioned, what happened?”

“Let‟s see… I heard about hiht if I accompany you to

the club room for a drop in?”

“Ah So dropping in to our practice

sessions”

“Then, is today fine with you? But I don‟t plan on joining the club…can I still drop in?”

“……It should be fine I will notify the club teacher”

“Thanks, Akutagawa-kun”

The practice range for the archery club is the old dojo beside the gymnasium At the front there

are five target boards In addition, there are a few targets that are made of hay Each haystack has

a pole sticking through it, with a board behind it as support A feorn tatami were laid side by

side

So with breast plates for the top and black hakama

for the botto beside the

clubtheir PE uniforms, and holds

a few chunky rubber arrows Everywhere there are shouts of

“Ashi+buamae~!” They are probably first year students

Akutagawa-kun has also changed into his practice uniform He walked towards me and said-

“I got the pererous here”

“Ok, got it”

At the h my ears- an arrow had hit a tatami

“Uwaa…the sound is so loud It is pretty intense when you are near”

Takeda-san once said that when Shuuji-senpai‟s arrow hit its target, it felt as if her heart had

been hit at the same time

“Yeah…that‟s right Most people are surprised when they first experience it”

Akutagawa-kun said emotionlessly Afterwards, because he also had to practice, he had taken

leave

I just stood behind everyone and observed their practice

The ether The division is about

half and half There are nu there are about 50 people

One of theht person, „Shuuji-senpai‟

(Unn…if it is love at first sight, then heIf that‟s the case, that person

won‟t be him Not him either That person doesn‟t seem to match the description either…)

As the verification went on I put my head in my hands

I was confused The nu drastically

(If I have to pick the best looking guy in the club, no awa-kun is

the winner But Takeda-san said that Shuuji-senpai differs from his serious look- he is very

friendly, and socializes with awa-kun could hardly be described as

friendly…people from our class even described him as cold What if he becomes lively when he

comes to the club? Uhnn…uhnnn…)

At the end, I failed to identify Shuuji-senpai

During a break in the practice, Akutagawa-kun came to me and said in a low and passive vice-

“I asked the club president whether there is a member called Shuuji, but he said he doesn‟t know”

The mystery mystified

I thanked Akutagawa-kun and headed towards the literature club

“Ku-shun~”

The sound of a cute sneeze entered my ears as I walked into the club room

“Ku-shun~ Gusu…zuzu…”

Tooko-senpai pulled a Kleenex from the tissue box, and wiped her nose

“Ah, good afternoon, Konoha-kun Ku-shu~!”

She sneezed, and then wiped her nose

The waste bin next to her feet was filled with pink used Kleenex

Ah~~, she really got a cold fro soaked in the rain

“This…umbrella, thanks”

I handed her the purple umbrella Tooko-senpai, with her Rudolf-like red nose and teary eyes,

smiled at me

“No problem I put your u ”

“You seeht?”

“No worries, no worries Yesterday in the bath I was reading Cartland‟s „The Haunted Heart‟

I was so into it that I didn‟t notice that the bath water had turned cold But don‟t worry, I will be

fine soon”

“If the bath water turned cold, you should have gotten out Moreover, wouldn‟t the book become

wet and damp?”

“That‟s why it is another kind of delicacy It is as if you are dipping biscuits into pink red

chaht?”

“I don‟t think there exists a soap or shane”

“Gosh, you really have no dreams Ku-shun~…zuzu…But Konoha-kun, you are late today Was

it your turn to be on cleaning duty again?”

“That…I was not on duty I went to the Archery Club to observe”

“Zuzuz…guzu…the Archery Club?”

Tooko-senpai covered her face with her nose, tilted her head, and looked at me Her braids, like

cat tails, softly dangled on her back

“Here‟s what happened…”

I told her about yesterday‟s incident with the crying Takeda-san, and how I failed to find Shuujisenpai

in the Archery Club today

“What…”

Tooko-senpai was speechless

Then, as she thought about what that meant, she said-

“The computer in the library should have a coo to the

library”

Kotobuki wasthe library‟s circulation desk

“Ah”

After she sawhere

“Kotobuki-san, could I use the computer?”

“Only a few people are using the computers today, the computers are not occupied”

“Thank you”

“Ku-shun Sorry”

We passed through the help desk and headed to the computer section We picked an empty

station

“Konoha-kun, please do it I am not very compatible with machines”

Tooko-senpai‟s voice was filled with dread

“Co!”

Using the mouse, I opened Sejiou School‟s name list, and started to search for „Shuuji Kataoka‟

The lass and then a warning saying „Record not

found‟ appeared

Then, I searched for the name „Shuuji‟

That failed as well

Then I searched for the name „Kataoka‟ Seven records were returned Four of them are female,

and of the re 3, none of the males have the first name „Shuuji‟ Not even a name that

sounds remotely close

Tooko-senpai and I turned and looked at each other

What‟s going on?

Not only does the person Shuuji Kataoka not exist in the Archery Club, he does not exist in this

school

The next day, during the break after the first period, Takeda-san appeared in my classroom She

held the notebook, with a duck printed on its cover, to her chest

“Good Mor--ning~~, Konoha-senpai I aet the letters”

While ignoring Kotobuki-san‟s stare, I dragged Takeda-san to the corner of the hallway

“There is no letter today”

“Eh, why?”

“Shuuji-senpai does not exist in this school”

“Eeeeeeeeeh”

Takeda-san‟s eyes opened wide She did not seeenuinely seemed to be

shocked Then, with a laugh, she aly said-

“Gosh, what are you talking about, Konoha-senpai Of course Shuuji-senpai exists in this school!”

“But I couldn‟t find a person named Shuuji Kataoka in the Archery Club, nor could I find him in

the school student list Takeda-san, who have you been giving the letters to?”

Takeda-san still cheerfully answered me-

“To Shuuji Senpai!”

Her expression and voice showed that she was not at all bothered by my question So much so

that I was starting to think that perhaps I hadof unease swelled up

inside me

“Shuuji-senpai is rea~~~~~~lly in the Archery Club!”

“Bu-But…”

“Chia always keeps Shuuji-senpai‟s letters with her all the time Here”[TL note: note that Chia

is talking about herself in third person term, as is common in japanese for people to act cute

(Why yes I am a cynic Why did you ask?)]

Takeda-san opened the duck notebook she has been holding with her arms She took out one of

the envelopes inside it and showed it to n There

was no receiver‟s name All that ritten on it were the words „From: Kataoka Shuuji‟

Takeda-san then took out the letter in it

The letter was a simple piece of white paper as well There seemed to be three pieces of paper

folded together

Now that I noticed it, yesterday Takeda-san also ave her At

that time she only said „The letter is…‟, and then she became dispirited and fell silent

She also said that so Shuuji-senpai

The letter was probably about that, right?

Takeda-san‟s expression seemed a bit hesitant With a look of unease I occasionally see from her,

she looked at me Then, as if she had made a decision, she held the letters out to me

“Konoha-senpai It‟s true I haven‟t made a mistake Please read the letter Shuuji-senpai is…in

despair right now…but I am an idiot; I couldn‟t understand…so…so…please, Konoha-senpai,

please help him”

With a shaken voice, she sincerely confessed to h on the outside she seems very

outgoing; perhaps inside her stress level has already reached what she could handle by herself

Perhaps Takeda-san too is seeking soht now she is

looking at me feebly

I knew, after I read the letter, I would not be able to back out

Right now, the act of reading the letter is only for the purpose of assisting and helping Takedasan

I only want to help her Nothing more

To be able to live a quiet and eventless life is est wish

Sticking into other people‟s problems is a very foolish action Sorry, I am not a person who can

handle such a heavy burden This is what I should have said to her I should have said that,

turned around, and left

But that too seems to be too late Does Shuuji Kataoka truly exist? …Why is this happening?

Even I want to know the answer to this

I accepted the letter and opened it The tips of ers were numbed I could even smell a

sweet scent

“Mine has been a life of much shame

On me, one could not find a trait that makes a human human

Such as kindness, empathy, sympathy- emotions that a human should have”

“I a to h,

hoping that no one thinks that I am harmful But, as the lies piled on top of one another, my heart

became emptier and emptier

“On that day, I killed a man The soft flesh was crushed From it the sweet and sour scent of red

blood spread out on the pitch black asphalt road I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene

I killed a man

Perhaps even God does not want to save me”

“It‟s „Ningen shi+kkaku‟

After school I went to Literature Club room

After Tooko-senpai read the letter, she unequivocally said

“„Ningen shi+kkaku‟, it‟s by Dazai Osaht?”

“Yes The line „Mine has been a life of en

shi+kkaku‟ said in the first line of the novel Also, other sentences seeen

shi+kkaku‟ as well”

After Tooko-senpai said that, „Ku-shu‟, she sneezed again

After a night of rest she got better, but she hasn‟t healed co

around “In other words, the event described in the letter did not really happen; it was only an

imitation of the novel?”

I hope such is the case When I received the letter from Takeda-san‟s hands and read it, the

content seemed very twisted and beyond help I felt that I had been tossed into a truly black

abyss

This is the grim confession and repentance of a boy named Shuuji Kataoka

Since he was small, Shuuji lacked the emotional traits others possessed

Why would one feel happy?

Why would one feel dislike?

And, what‟s the definition of like? What‟s the definition of dislike?

A close relative of his died At the funeral, everyone was crying But he didn‟t feel sad at all A

friend was going tobad Except for him When a puppy and a

little baby appeared, everyone said it is so cute Only he failed to comprehend, why do they like

such humans or animals As these kinds of events happened more and more, he started to lose a

sense of humanity, instead he felt that he was a cursed monster

The failure of understanding other people's emotional processes made him feel fear, despair, and

pain

If everyone found out that he was a monster, ould they do?

Because of fear, he remains a clown A clown that does his best to cheer up others A clown that

tries his hardest to make others like him

Those around hi He naturally became a popular person in his social

circle But deep inside hiht

immense pain to him

Lying is shameful Deviancy is also shameful In his letter Shuuji Kataoka repeatedly described

his inner pain

“So ashamed

I feel so ashamed

Just the act of living brings me shame”

Only one person saw through Shuuji‟s clown trick

Shuuji referred to that person as S In the letter, he said that person understands him the best, yet

at the sas Shuuji to his destruction

“Only one person, only S, through his intelligent eyes, made me realize I am merely a clown”

“One day, S will cause o on the path of destruction”

“One day, S quietly said to irlfriend, do you honestly love her?”

The letter ended here

Who is „her‟ the letter referred to? Who is „S‟? I have no idea

What kind of answer did Shuuji give S?

When I finished the letter, for some reason my chest felt very stuffed I have felt like this before

After hearing what Tooko-senpai said, however, I felt relived

(This is the reason This letter started with a reference to „Ningen shi+kkaku‟)

When I was in junior high, I read this most notable work of Dazai Osamu My first impression of

the book is that the name is very dark The reason I chose to read the book is because it was one

of the 4 assigned readings for the summer holiday After I picked a book, I was supposed to read

it and write a report on it Perhaps I was at an age of wanting to grow up, I picked the hardest

book to read

But back then I was only a junior high school student, I was not h yet So I didn‟t

really understand the pain the h The main character keeps on

confessing for his et it one bit At the end I chose another book for

my report

Even that was a very long tio, but deep in my mind I still seem to recall the content of the

book So when I read Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter, I had a deja vu moment with it

“Ku-shu~”

Tooko-senpai has started sneezing again

“Uhnnn… In my opinion this letter did not completely copy Dazai‟s book The author is only

using „Ningen shi+kkaku‟ as a vehicle to express his feelings so that others can know his true self,

I think”

“If that‟s the case, he said he killed a person, could this be true? And he said he wants to die,

that‟s true as well?”

“If he really did kill sos are very bad”

No matter how you put it, Shuuji Kataoka does not

hi part may only be a delusion, but the act of

fantasizing such a thing is already dangerous enough Moreover, for someone who is in so much

despair, so much self-disdain, how could he live on?

“Dazai Osaen shi+kkaku‟ Looking at this,

things do not look good”

This letter feels al to commit suicide;

that‟s why he wrote such a letter to Takeda-san, right?

Tooko-senpai is sitting in her chair, both ar on

her lips as she falls into deep thought

“Dazai Osaue‟, „The First Handnote‟, „The

Second Handnote‟, „The Third Handnote‟, and finally „Epilogue‟ It was published in June, July,

and August editions of „Tenbou‟ The beginning of the story, „Prologue‟, and the confession of

thehis teen‟, „The First Handnote‟, were published in the May

edition A month later, on June 13th, Dazai Osamu, with his lover, Yamazaki Tomie, jumped

into Taawa Jousui and drowned…”

Tooko-senpai's gaze moved far away Her lips, like a mechanism, rhythmically moved

“The second part of the story was published during the search period On June 19th, their corpses

were found „The Third Handnote‟ and the concluding „Epilogue‟ were published a month later

in the July edition „Ningen shi+kkaku‟ can be said to be a bibliography of Dazai‟s life

The main character was born in a rural well-known traditional family He was ashamed and

afraid of his deviancy, so he plays a bogus clown Later on he even turned to dangerous social

h he quit He started to despise himself To escape from his

despair, he chose to live a sinful life

During that tiether The waitress

died, but he ed to survive Because of it, he turned even more inward He became even

and in despair In the end, he returned to his poor, inward, fruitless life style

Even his innocent as polluted by him The main character became heavily addicted to

drugs His friends sent hi

The author Dazai Osamu was also from a rural forest‟s landowner family He too had joined

social movements because he wondered whether he would remain as a rich heir for life He had

also tried to commit suicide with a cafe‟s waitress, but that too failed

That time Dazai Osamu was saved, but the waitress died Afterwards, he married Geisha Oyama

Hatsuyo, who followed him from their home town But after he learned of Hatsuyo‟s past, he

was trauain that failed Afterwards, because of his heavy

drug addiction, he was admitted into Musahino Hospital

After his release, he wrote the basis of „Ningen shi+kkaku‟, „Hu after that, he

tried to coain with his wife Hatsuyo, but as before he failed

Following this, Dazai Osamu wrote many famous and incredible works He became a wellknown

writer 10 years passed, and he finally rewrote and coen shi+kkaku‟

Immediately after the completion, he committed suicide This time Dazai Osamu and his female

coen shi+kkaku‟ is Dazai Osamu‟s

will”

Tooko Senpai turned her gentle gaze toward me, and asked:

“Konoha, have you ever read Dazai Osamu‟s works?”

“I read „Ningen shi+kkaku‟ Also included in the textbook there are „Hashi+re Merosu‟ and

„Fugaku Hyakkei‟ right?”

“From what I can remember, „Hashi+re Merosu‟ is usually put into social ethnic textbooks It is a

good article, but it just doesn‟t taste right……un Ku-shu!~ Ku-shu~ !Ku-shu~!”

She probably said too much all at once, so she sneezed non-stop multiple times

“You all right?”

“Hm, I am fine…zu zu So, Konoha, what do you think of Dazai Osa his works?”

“I don‟t really understand The prologue alone made me feel burdened…but in contrast „Hashi+re

Merosu‟is far too casual, I wasn‟t touched by it; instead I was

startled For „Fugaku Hyakkei‟, I only remember the scenes when the pictures were taken After I

read the story, I felt very happy Moreover, the pacing of the story feels very rhythmic It is very

relaxing to read it You al with the author”

“Exactly, that‟s one of the most attractive traits of Dazai‟s works!”

Tooko-senpai wiped her nose with a pink red Kleenex, squeezed the used paper into a tiny

sphere, and threw it into the garbage bin Then, with an enthusiastic tone, she continued:

“Dazai‟s works often make their readers feel as if they are in an intimate and realistic

conversation with the author The story that was based on Judas, „Kakekomi Uttae‟, reads like a

transcription The intense dialogues were shooting out so fast one has trouble following them