Part 7 (1/2)
COMMUNION WITH THE SAINTS -- see Contact
What could I lose? I filled out a call slip for one of the daily orders under ANGELS But then there were so s which made little or no sense: INFERNALISTICS, SCUTTLENAUTICS, DECEREBRATION, BODY-AND-SOULGUARDS, RETROCARNATION I couldn't bother with the, its wooden pillars reached the ceiling Even the most superficial survey would take weeks, reen, pink and white cards from the drawers; some had fallen to the floor I started to put thelance over an to stuff the cards in any which way
Could it be that the catalog was in such disorder precisely because others had wandered in here, just a I did? On one desk nearby stood a row of bulky black volumes, apparently an encyclopedia of some kind I opened the volume marked S to look up SCUTTLENAUTICS ”SCRAMBLED EGGS -- the best breakfast against interception” No, that wasn't it ”SCUTTLENAUTICS -- the science of nonnavigation See also Abortive Sailing, Mock Docking” I tried voluraph and underneath that, an article entitled ”AGENTS AND THEIR AGENCIES FROM EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT DAY”
Another volume lay open on the desk, and I read: ”ORIGINAL SIN -- the division of the world into Infore, volu definition ”RETROCARNATION -- 1) a Red that goes back on his word; 2) disembodiment, dematerialization -- see THIN AIR, POWDER, LAMB” Then there was a whole list of odd ite, screws for screws, breaking codes without bones, funda through these dusty tomes; I wanted to see Major Er! Suddenly there was a shuffling -- the old man had returned He eyed me sharply from the doorway, smiled and raised his spectacles to the top of his bald head It was only now that I noticed he was cross-eyed That is, one eye watchedinspiration from above
”Find what you wanted?”
He squinted, whistled under his breath (A signal?) Then he saw a card on the floor, one I'd missed, looked at it and said: ”Ahthat too?” He clucked appreciatively as he picked it up with griers ”In that case, won't you coer like me to carry out such heavy volumes Of course, they're not all heavy, butyou've been cleared, haven't you? You look like one of General Mlassgrack's men, you do Professional secrecy, confidential, top security, don't I know, heh-heh! Follow et dirtythe dust, you know!”
Ra passage into the stacks I kept bu into atlases and folios as ent deeper into that uide exclaiht, naked bulb lit up a fairly rooed beneath the weight of gray, cru the card in front of my nose That was indeed the word on the card ”Cake, sir, help yourself to a sliceheh-heh! It's all here -- there's your Splanchnology, Innardry, Dise and Reeinal edition over here, De crucificatione modo pirmario divino, second-century, the only copy in existence, wonderfully preserved, and with illustrations Look at those shackles, will you, and here's flaying alive, there's playing dead, ha up, tests of personal enduranceNow, on the next shelf -- no, that's Physical Tortures I'm sorry, we're in this section here -- Bruises on the left, and on the right, Juices”
”Juices?” I couldn't help asking
”Juices, juices For example, a spit, an open fire, and you have juices, don't you? Yes, and on the next shelf -- Eony, birch, oak, ash And Bruises, they're easy -- but you must know all about it! Ah, nobody ever drops in any ets so lonelyIt's so nice to have a little company, sir, if you knohat I meanThey say this is all old-fashi+oned, obsolete”
”Obsolete?”
”Oh, yes Leave it to the butchers, they say Top secret sirloin, tenderized -- Lieutenant Pirpitschek likes to joke But things are picking up again, it seems, in our departmentThe dust here, the dust is just awful!”
He beat the dust off his sleeves and went on: ”Allusions to cake, revolutions for cake -- let theular bakery, like our General says -- oh, there's a realterribly important, don't you know! 'Custodian Kappril, at your service, sir!' I say But he, does he give ht off? Not on your life! He hums a little tune -- hum hum, hum hum -- and I know exactly what he wants Every tie here -- what's this? De strangulatione systematica occulta Somebody must have put it here by mistake, that's physical -- and Mummification too, tsk-tsk Excuse me, that's Cryptanalysis over there, you don't want that -- or do you? Take a look if you like, by allbooks That one you're holding, allow me, I'll wipe it off for you -- it's wipe off or be wiped out, like our General says Heh-heh! He's wonderful ords, oh yesWhat's that you're holding -- ah, The Universe in a Drawer -- what's his naain? Hyde, yes A bit old-fashi+oned, but not bad The Subcustodian of Archives spoke highly of it, and he's an expert in the field Life in a Lavatory? Why would you want that?”
I put the book back hastily and pulled out another My head was beginning to spin; an unbearable s but unidentifiable, perhaps a little likebreath of the
I should have settled for anything, taken the first book that ca, as if I were really looking for soy of Treason, nor the s, nor the black handbook Updating the Transcendental, which for soe section Around a corner was a row of thick toe and the paper spotted and yellow The illustrations oodcuts, as was the frontispiece of The Coe yn Three Partes, Prolegoator Jonahberry O Paupus Between these bulky works were several incunabula, their covers torn and barely legible: Cloak-and-Dagger without Guesswork, Anarchy by Re in Theory and Practice There was a bibliography of scopological and scopognostic literature, including scoposcopy Machina Speculatrix, or, The Tactics of Counterespionage Cohabitation and Collaboration The fine Art of Treachery and The Constant Traitor Do-it-yourself Denunciation Favorite Blunders and Slipups with full diagrams Traps and Taps There were even artistic items -- a musical score with the title carefully written in violet, The Walls Have Ears, A Divertimento for Four Trombones and Hidden Mike, and a collection of sonnets entitled Microdots
Soroan that carabbed the old man's sleeve and asked: ”What was that?”
”Ah yes, the recruits are listening to records It's a se like that Tombsters, we call the played over and over again I was ready to leave But the old geezer fell into a fever of activity, he bustled about the shelves, jumped up on tiptoe, s, threw books down, and in general raised a thick cloud of dust-all this to regale me with yet another exhibit, so and raving, al behind the partition The glistening drop at the tip of his nose sildly but never fell Soaze never left ht discover I was here under false pretenses, an ier to show y was pressed into my hands and fell open to these words: ”The hu places of concealment”
”Ah, here is homo Sapiens As a Corpus Delicti, a splendid work, splendidand this is Incendiaries Then and Now, and here's a list of the experts in the field -- listen: Meern, Birdhoove, Fishmi, Cantovo, Karck, and we're in it too of course, there's our Professor Barbeliese, Klauderlaut, Gruine that, Grumpf! This? The Morbitron by Glauble Yes, he's an author as wellheh-heh! Now this pa cards
”U and care of coypus -- there isn't anything we don't have hereWhat you're holding there, that's Fashi+on You know, the cut of the straitjacket, things like thatHere are some other items: The ABC's of Self-surveillance, Auto to defend ainst this flood of talk and dust and decay, this barrage of strange tery -- triple tails, coded leaks, spotted caches, exposed plants, strategic lays, integrated risks, sensitive channels, high-grade rendezvous entrapment
Unable to take any lanced at his watch, a large silver onion
”Is that a secret watch?” I asked
”Of course it's a secret watch, what do you think?”
He put it back in his pocket and frowned as Iin another time to pick out what I neededHe didn't see to take me to other sections Naked bulbs lit up the crowded shelves and cabinets like low-hung stars Even at the exit he tried to showthe work as if I were a potential buyer and he a half-, sir! You took nothing!” he pestered et rid of hiels and a handbook of astronoibly and left, a thick els, as it turned out, had never been published I took a deep breath of fresh air out in the corridor What a relief! Butleather, bookbinder's glue and parchhterhouse
6
I had hardly left the Archives when a thought hit me I returned and compared the door nuh, I had ht instead of a three So my real destination was 3383
The fact that I had made a mistake and misread a nu had see to soenuine accident And the Building was responsible for it: the room number had been written in too carelessly Human error, then, still operated here; mystery and freedom were still in the realistrate was as h together and the matter would be dis froreat number of phones on every desk, 3383 was not just another office I went straight to the head official's door -- but found no knob to turn The receptionist asked if she could be of any help My explanation grew involved and complicated because I couldn't tell her the truth
”But you have no appointain I demanded an appointment But that was out of the question, she said; I would have to subh the proper channels, then get the necessary signatures But my Mission was Special, Top Secret I tried to explain without raising my voice; it could only be discussed in absolute privacy But she was busy with the phones -- answering with a word or two here, pressing a button or two there, putting so off others -- and hardly seemed to be aware of my existence
After an hour of this I seddidn't have the least effect, so I showed her the contents of , the outline for Operation Shovel Iher old newspapers for all the response this produced She was the perfect secretary: nothing existed beyond the narrow limits of her routine Driven to desperate measures, I let out a stream of terrible confessions -- I told her about the open safe, about how I had unwittingly caused the suicide of the little old man, and as none of this s, I confessed to treason, high treason, anything, if only she would let me in I demanded the worst -- arrest, dishonor -- I screamed in her ear But she waved me away as if I were a fly, and continued to answer the phones with complete indifference Finally, bathed in sweat, weak and tre, I collapsed into a chair in the corner Very well, I would wait The exa behind that office door had to coh the ht-up to concentrate It said soels The astrono paragraphs on galactic cae, nebulae prototypes, relocation of planets, cose ten ti The hours passed Surely, this nightined Countless tiot up to ask the receptionist questions in a feeble voice Could she please tell o out for lunch? Were there any other investigative offices or prosecution departments nearby? She advised me to try Information And where was Information, I asked Rooathered up my papers, the folder and the book, and walked out, totally crushed There was nothing left of , absolutely nothing My watch informed me that I had spent practically an entire day in that office Or an entire night, since ti
There was no room 1593 It would have had to have been on the first level, and the last door at the very end of the corridor was 1591 I tried several different rooms, wherever there was a ”secret,” ”Top Secret,” or ”Headquarters” I even looked for the office of ns or the nu li to eat since yesterday and was faint with hunger My face itched, I needed a shave After considerable wandering around, I took to questioning the elevatortold me room 1593 wasn't ”on the list” You had to call first After another four hours (twice I ed to use a phone in some empty room, but Information was busy), the traffic in the halls increased, everyone was heading for the cafeteria I joined the crowd Today it was macaroni and cheese -- terrible, but it put off the ht about Major Er left Odd, how my confessions and self-accusations hadn't been accepted But I wasn't surprised Nothing seerease and my face in a cold sweat, I returned to my bathroom, folded a towel for a pillow and lay down by the tub Almost instantly I was seized with a naan to shi+ver on the tiled floor It was no use -- I got up, aching all over, sat on the rih what had happened and guess what lay in store The folder, the book, the els lay at my feet I tried to think, but couldn't I paced the bathroom floor, turned the faucets on and watched the water, turned the in the pipes started, then I made faces at myself in the mirror, I even cried a little, then sat on the riain, my head in my hands Hours passed Was this all still a test? Couldof the rooed? The old librarian had led me to the section on physical tortureWait a minute, torture -- torture -- torte! Torte was a kind of cake, wasn't it? Yes, a kind of cakeAh, how devious they were! Did they mean to tellThen there was a plan here, a plan to push me to the lihly dangerous” Mission Then I was still in favor, still singled out? In that case, everything would be all right; I had only to maintain an air of indifference, passivity Yes, the receptionist had deliberately ignored n Coht, I washed my face and went out to find Major Erms Outside the Departe nu the floor They wore brand-new overalls and didn't see around instead All were squat, solidly built, with broad shoulders; all wore caps a size too sed the next and
Several officers came up in full dress, sabers at their side They asked to see the janitors' papers, the janitors asked to see their papers Somehoas overlooked Obviously a security precaution -- so was up! I waited around, curious Also, I was in no particular hurry to see Major Erle blared, everyone rushed to stand in place, they lined up at attention, the elevator opened, two adjutants in silver braid stood guard
”The Admiral! The Admiral!” the neent around The officers and janitors fell into formation and saluted My heart pounded with excitenitary Froant interior (the walls were in cut velvet and decorated with maps, portraits and heraldry), a little old old He was short and gray, had liver spots and limped a little He surveyed his men and without the least effort (you could see he was a professional) bellowed: ”At ease!”
The Admiral walked up and down the column of men, dissatisfied, suspicious -- and stopped in front of me Then I realized I was the only civilian there My first i foras loyal as I possibly could He eyed led his medals, then barked: ”Civilian?”
”Yes, sir! Civilian, sir!”
”In the Service?”
”Yes, sir! In the Ser --”
”Wife? Children?”