Part 12 (2/2)
However, I recovered lected cold, and continual inquietude during the last two months, have reduced me to a state of weakness I never before experienced Those who did not know that the canker-as at work at the core cautionedGod preserve this poor child, and render her happier than herfroiddy, when I think that all the confidence I have had in the affection of others is come to this I did not expect this blow from you I have done my duty to you and my child; and if I am not to have any return of affection to rewardthat I deserved a better fate My soul is weary; I a I would cease to care about a life which is now stripped of every char declamation when Ime to come to you as merely dictated by honor Indeed, I scarcely understand you You request iven up all thoughts of returning to this place
”When I deteroverned by affection I would share poverty with you, but I turn with affright fro I have certain principles of action; I knohat I look for to found my happiness on It is not money With you, I wished for sufficient to procure the comforts of life; as it is, less will do I can still exert myself to obtain the necessaries of life for my child, and she does not want more at present I have two or three plans in lected by you, I will lie under obligations of a pecuniary kind to you! No; I would sooner submit to one, all is over! I did not think, when I complained of ----'s conteged you into his schement of a letter, written soon after your departure, and another which tenderness made me keep back when it ritten You will see then the sentih not athat 'our being together is paramount to every other consideration!' Were it, you would not be running after a bubble, at the expense of my peace of mind
”Perhaps this is the last letter you will ever receive fro Mary's stimulated her into a determination to break her connection with Imlay, and to live for her child alone She would remain in Paris and superintend fanny's education
She had already been able to look out for herself; there was no reason why she should not do it again Until she settled upon the means of support to be adopted, she would borrowwas better than to live at Imlay's expense As for him, such a course would probably be a relief, and certainly it would do him no harm ”As I never concealed the nature of my connection with you,” she wrote him, ”your reputation will not suffer” But her plans, for some reason, did not meet with his approval He was tired of her, and yet he seems to have been ashamed to confess his inconstancy At oneto Paris; at the next he bade her meet him in London But no mention was made of the far than the peace of country life His shi+lly-shallying unnerved Mary; positive desertion would have been easier to bear On February 19 she wrote hi off your return to an indefinite time, I felt so hurt that I knew not what I wrote I ah it was not the kind of wound over which time has the quickest effect; on the contrary, the uesfault with every one, I have only reason enough to discover that the fault is in myself My child alone interests me, and but for her I should not take any pains to recover est bond of union between the to live with Ih his love was dead Therefore, when he wrote definitely that he would like her to coo to her, she relinquished her intentions of re alone in France with fanny, and set out at once for London She could hardly have passed through Havre without feeling the bitter contrast between her happiness of the year before, and her present hopelessness ”I sit, lost in thought,” she wrote to I at the sea, and tears rush intoany fond expectations I have indeed been so unhappy this winter, I find it as difficult to acquire fresh hopes as to regain tranquillity Enough of this; be still, foolish heart! But for the little girl, I could almost wish that it should cease to beat, to be no uish of disappointround, and she was thus unexpectedly detained at Havre During this interval she touched stillhappier things, by writing to Mr Archibald Hamilton Roho had escaped fro him certain necessary information about the house she had left, and which he was about to occupy
She reached London in April, 1795 Her gloos were confirmed Imlay had provided a furnished house for her, and had considered her coed He was cold and constrained, and she felt the difference immediately He was little with her, and business was, as of old, the excuse According to Godwin, he had for actress Life was thus even less bright in London than it had been in Paris If hell is but the shadow of a soul on fire, she was now plunged into its deepest depths
Its tortures were more than she could endure For her there were, indeed, worse things waiting at the gate of life than death, and she resolved by suicide to escape from them This part of her story is very obscure But it is certain that her suicidal intentions were so nearly carried into effect, that she had written several letters containing her, as she thought, last wishes, and which were to be opened after all was over
There is no exact account of the manner in which she proposed to kill herself, nor of the means by which she was prevented ”I only know,”
Godwin says, ”that Mr Imlay became acquainted with her purpose at a moment when he was uncertain whether or no it was already executed, and that his feelings were roused by the intelligence It was perhaps owing to his activity and representations that her life was at this time saved
She determined to continue to exist”
This event sobered both Ier they were in, and the consequent necessity of for a definite conclusion as to the nature of their future relations They ether in perfect confidence, or else they must separate ”My friend, my dear friend,” she wrote him, ”examine yourself well,--I a,--and discover what you wish to do, ill render you most comfortable; or, to be more explicit, whether you desire to live with me, or part forever! When you can ascertain it, tell me frankly, I conjure you! for, believe me, I have very involuntarily interrupted your peace” The determination could not be made in a hurry In the meanti upon her wrongs Forgetfulness of self in active work appeared the only possible h the period of uncertainty Imlay had business in Norway and Sweden which demanded the personal superintendence either of hie to Mary, and at the end of May she started upon this mission That Imlay still looked upon her as his wife, and that his confidence in her was unli document in which he authorizes her to act for him:--
May 19, 1795
Know all men by these presents that I, Gilbert Imlay, citizen of the United States of A in London, do nominate, constitute, and appoint Mary Iement and direction of all my affairs, and business which I had placed in the hands of Mr Elias Bach & Co, Copenhagen, desiring that she will e and direct such concerns in such manner as she may deem most wise and prudent For which this letter shall be a sufficient power, enabling her to receive all the money or sums of money that may be recovered from Peter Ellison or his connections, whatever ated by Mr Elias Bachent, for the violation of the trust which I had reposed in his integrity
Considering the aggravated distresses, the accues sustained in consequence of the said Ellison's disobedience of my injunctions, I desire the said Mary I first the advice of persons qualified to judge of the probability of obtaining satisfaction, or the means the said Ellison or his connections, who uilt,able to make restitution, and then coly
Respecting the cargo of goods in the hands of Messrs Myburg and Co, Mrs Ied in the disposition of such articles, and then, placing theht and proper
Thus confiding in the talent, zeal, and earnestness of ement of these affairs entirely and i most sincerely and affectionately hers truly,
G IMLAY
_Witness_, J SAMUEL
Unfortunately for Mary, she was detained at Hull, from which town she was to set sail, for about a month She was thus unable i to see ho that she could no longer doubt that Ian to find excuses for him She represented to herself that it was her misfortune to have met him too late Had she known him before dissipation had enslaved him, there would have been none of this trouble She was, furthermore, convinced that his natural refinement was not entirely destroyed, and that if he would but rosser appetites To this effect she wrote him from Hull:--
”I shall always consider it as one of the most serious misfortunes of my life, that I did not meet you before satiety had rendered your senses so fastidious as almost to close up every tender avenue of sentiment and affection that leads to your sympathetic heart
You have a heart, my friend; yet, hurried away by the iar excesses for that gratification which only the heart can bestow
”The coross appetites, ination never lends its ic wand to convert appetite into love, ce reason Ah! ht, the exquisite pleasure, which arises from an unison of affection and desire, when the whole soul and senses are abandoned to a lively iination, that renders every emotion delicate and rapturous Yes; these are emotions over which satiety has no power, and the recollection of which even disappointment cannot disenchant; but they do not exist without self-denial These e, appear to enius, the foundation of taste, and of that exquisite relish for the beauties of nature, of which the coetters_ certainly have no idea You will smile at an observation that has just occurred to inal whose iination acts as the stimulus to their senses
”Well! you will ask what is the result of all this reasoning Why, I cannot help thinking that it is possible for you, having great strength of ain a sanity of constitution and purity of feeling which would open your heart to me I would fain rest there!