Part 25 (1/2)

”damn! I don't knohy they trippin' on me like this Talkin' 'bout a mistake That's bullshi+t!”

”Scott, you 'bout ready?” said the pig, who had returned and was standing in front of one for forty seconds

I didn't say a thing, just backed up to the bars so he could chain ation The pig tried to make small talk, but I didn't respond How could he make conversation, and expect a response, with ain a Hole inside a Hole?

I was ates and doors that I felt like Maxwell Se-and I couldn't believe how s motions One last stab at my humanity I was locked behind a series of bars, then a door with a heavy plate of steel that, when closed, could isolate ht in the cell There was an opening in the upper left corner, and froh, protected by wire mesh The bed was a hard, concrete slab no wider than a child's little red wagon The sink and toilet were attached together and both reeked with atrocious fumes of bile, defecation, urine, and God knohat else

Before he left I asked the pig if I could have so material for the cell, and he replied that I wouldn't be able to see anything no way and that I'd get used to the s door and let down the heavyme in total darkness

”Hey,” I hollered, reaching for the bars in front of hts Hey! I know you hear ot no response

I feltand hard about what Muhaht me about resistance, and what Ballard had said about the white folks' fear of us I thought that I hadn't even resisted yet, but still I was being treated like this Little did I know that I had been resisting allBut my resistance was retarded because it had no political objective I was an unconscious resister

Repression is funny It can breed resistance, though it doesn't mean that the resistance will be political, positive, or revolutionary

So I sat there in total darkness, in total silence, repressed to theto feed on that could explain this level of action to me There was no mattress on the concrete, so I lay back on the hard slab and went over the words intoto YTS to seeto tell you Soh to kno”

”What is it, Mom?”

”Scott is not your father Baby, your last name isn't supposed to be Scott Oh, Kody, Ilisten, do you re a blue-and-white book with a football player in uniform on the cover

”Yeah, I've seen that book around the house”

”Well, this is your father, baby His name is dick Bass He played football for the Rams”

”Wait a minute, Mom, I'm confused here Who is Scott, then? I mean whose father is he?”

”He's Shaun, Kerwin, and Kendis's father Kevin and Kim have the same father, but he's not Scott”

”But”

”Wait, let nant with you, Scott and I were not getting along dick and I had h your Godparents, Ray and Della”

My Godfather was Ray Charles, the famous musician

”dick was there when I needed him,” she went on ”Scott knew you were not his child and asked et an abortion, but I refused I wanted you, Kody This is why he and I would fight all the time He hated you, baby”

”That's why he never took me anywhere like he did Kerwin and Shaun?”

”Yes, baby”

”So, where isdick?”

”I don't know He”

”Moonna worry about it 'cause I'm a man now I don't need no daddy For what?”

”Kody, I have tried ht But I had to work hard every day just to feed you by ot a divorce in 1969 and there has not been a man in your lives since I wonder if that's how I lost you and Shaun to the streets You guys have turned froe little animals and I just don't knohat to do no more I really don't”

”But Mom, it's not your fault, it's not your fault,” I said over and over

As I lay on that slab I now said it over and over to myself ”It's not your fault” And I hated that muthafucka Scott and dick Bass What could Mo I do re treated differently by Scott When the others were on trips, I would be alone and sad Sometimes Della would come and take me to different places, or I'd spend the weekend at Ray and Della's house My only consolation for not being treated like the others was that Ray Charles was my Godfather, so I'd always have new toys, new bicycles, and Hot Wheels

Moo on the trips was that she wanted me with her because I was her favorite She tried very hard to keep my spirits up, even when hers were down Scott would take the others to Houston to visit his itimate child and he was asharandh sleep and don't kno long I'd been out when so over thein my door

”Get up,” said the voice, distinctively Aenerally mad, I shouted back ”What, ot sonin' shi+t, andto sign?”

Not only did I refuse to sign, I refused to talk anymore Why? What else could they do to me if I didn't? I stretched o back to sleep, but I couldn't My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I could at least see h barely As I lay there I could hear rats scurrying across the cell floor It sounded like there were a lot of theht I was given a hts came on, ten rats darted for cover The only reason I knehole day had passed when they brought the htor snivel about the conditions, but when they opened the door, I walked to the bars to receive the paper plate of food they slid under the door and took it without saying a word Can't stop, won't stop

I fedof the existence of a unified, organized Crip Nation I tried to feed on what Muhaht me, but it was too complicated The words were too political, so I hat I knew best and had seen for most of my life And I endured

I was kept in that cell, in the dark-except when they broughtcaave an involuntary ht hurt et h ht, I'd decided it was better not to try to adjust to it I knew that to stand straight up, turn ninety degrees to my left, and take three steps would put me at the bars I'd feel my way down the bars until I'd find the paper plate, and then I'd retrace ht off immediately after they'd closed the door I'd eat withtoto theht with ht blasted , and I ht? How long you been back here?”

I didn't say anything I just walked blindly to the bars, retrieved htly closed He stood there and watched , thinking But there was no room in my space for him He was an intruder, a violator He had to be expelled

”What you lookin' at, man?”

Startled, he stammered and said, ”How'd you knoas here if your eyes were closed?”

”I feel you Will you leave now?”

”I'ave no reply and waited for him to leave before I continued to eat

I finishedwalk-three steps to the front, turn, four steps to the back I'd repeat this for a few hundred steps, then sit back down for an hour or so and listen to the rats eat the re, the rats and I When I was on the floor the rats yielded Like in Congress: the rats yield the floor and recognize Monster Kody fronized the rats fro I like it like that-mutual respect

Suddenly the rats stopped abruptly and darted for cover This told ht shot out like so bolt, but I'd prepared for it and it missed ather your things, bud, you're outta here”

”Can you turn the light out when you leave?”