Chapter 1 (1/2)

Normal Dan, that's what people called him. Normal Dan, a dutiful sidekick of Average Joe, a faithful initiate within the Cult of Boring. He was, to be painfully frank, a stunning example of mediocrity. Just enough higher education to secure a comfy, if lifeless, day job that he wasn't really qualified for. Just enough charisma to land a steady, if bland, girlfriend that he probably didn't value enough. Just enough blind luck to be promoted slightly higher than where his work ethic should realistically place him.

He was like a younger, less bald Homer Simpson. And boy wasn't that an unfortunate thought.

A red light flicked on, an alarm blared. Dan pressed a switch and the alarm fell silent. The motions were automatic at this point. He wasn't entirely sure how to operate the piece of technology in front of him, but random guesswork had kept him alive so far.

Dan sat inside what one might generously call a spaceship. It was fairly cramped. Between the large console covered in flashing lights, the insanely comfortable chair (real leather, why did a spaceship need real leather?), and the glowing... thing in the center of the room, there was probably about five square feet of empty space. More of a spaceboat than a ship, really.

Now, a more learned man might be less concerned with space, and more concerned with space. That horrible not-stuff lingering just outside the boat ship. Lingering, like a sneaky snake whose bite didn't envenom people so much as caused them to implode. Alternatively, the previously mentioned scholar might be distracted by the technology on display: thrusters that were silent, even within an atmosphere, artificial gravity in a ship roughly the size of a large truck, a blue flare lining the hull that suggested some sort of intangible shield. Also, some truly fantastic air-conditioning.

Dan noticed exactly none of these things.

His eyes were fixed on the glowing green biohazard symbols plastered all over the walls, and the rapidly fading blue dot outside the closest window.

Dan wasn't panicking quite yet. Despite flying towards open space and consequently almost certain death, Dan couldn't help but feel a tiny ember of excitement. You see, long before Normal Dan had secured his position as the gold standard of standard, there had lived a young boy named Daniel Newman. Daniel had dreamed of being someone important, someone special, someone unique. He had dreamed of traveling the land, the seas, the stars. He had dreamed of adventure, of being a hero and fighting monsters and saving princesses.

Young Daniel Newman would not have blundered his way inside of a secret spaceship while looking for an unoccupied bathroom at work. Young Daniel Newman would have very purposefully and deliberately stepped inside the darn thing and fired himself into space. Well, no. He probably would have been arrested outside of the facility, as the existence of children was frowned upon within corporate buildings.

Too much imagination, you see.

But! Assuming Daniel had found himself in front of a spaceship, he almost certainly would have activated the thing without a seconds hesitation.

So, Dan wasn't panicking. Little Daniel was too busy screaming in excitement. It was really quite distracting.

”PRESS ALL OF THE BUTTONS!” Daniel demanded.

Probably a bad idea. There was a reason why children weren't allowed to make big decisions. Dan's luck would only hold out for so long, and just mashing the console seemed like a great way to kill himself. On the other hand, they were very shiny— no. No no no.

The blue dot had disappeared into the distance, its fading light lost somewhere in the void of space. Or perhaps Dan had simply lost track of it when he'd glanced at the console. Either was possible, he was no astronomer. The result was the same regardless, as that dot had been Earth, and Dan was now officially Lost in Space. Even if he figured out how to pilot the spaceboatship, he had no idea where to point the stupid thing.

Did Google Maps work in space? Unlikely.

Well, Dan would simply have to refer to his survival training. He had seen all seven seasons of Man vs Wild, and Bear Grylls would surely guide him through this situation. First he had to identify his environment.

...

Yup. Definitely space.

Next, Dan carefully catalogued the items within the craft.