Chapter 554 (2/2)

No, even if it was my parents’ fault to raise me as a too-serious-and-little-fun kid, putting my effort into fixing my character was the most necessary in the end, instead of myself just making excuses.

Rambling all kinds of thoughts in my mind, I felt sad and frustrated again.

While I was lost in thought, changing my facial expressions this way and that, Yoo Chun Young, staring at me, dropped me a question.

“Now what?”

“It’s just… I wonder how I’d have turned into if I grew up in a different family.” I replied.”

Yoo Chun Young looked curious as to if he was thinking about how the subject of my thoughts had reached that extent.

I added some needless explanation, “I mean you know, they say our childhood years mostly shape our personalities.”

“Yeah.”

“If some parts of the incidents that occurred in my childhood didn’t exist, what would have happened? I’ve been questioning those in my head.”

Quarreling with my parents, we raised our voices and spoke rudely to each other. Most of them took place due to my grades.

Anyway, conflicts with parents during childhood could aggravate the situation and break a kid’s heart. Even a single word that slipped out of someone’s mouth during a trivial fight could linger in a kid’s mind and would stay there forever. Some also said, if we go through such a painful period, our state of mind could become permanently stuck in that situation.

Quietly resting my chin on my palm, I continued, “However, I don’t have a choice to choose such things to happen. Besides, back in the days, I was too young to cleverly face those troubling situations, so I wasn’t able to solve them properly by myself.”

“…”

“Ah, I don’t know how to explain this. It’s like… I want to be a pure white teddy bear, but I can’t since the fabric is already stained to become the plush toy I want. That’s how I feel right now.”

To me, the original Ham Donnie of this world, who escaped from her situation while completely letting off her memories of Ban Yeo Ryung, seemed comprehensible.

I wished the times I had suffered from my pain and wounds were utterly gone––not even existing in the first place. If that was possible, those times could be spent more usefully and meaningfully, and therefore, I could have grown up into a smooth and less defensive person.

In the end, the teddy bear metaphor embodied my slight fear and frustration about not being able to become a good person at all. Perhaps, I could never be an effortlessly charming and simple person like Yoo Chun Young.

Those thoughts then embarrassed me to have such gloomy and painful memories, those that I wanted to hide from other people.

Sinking my head on my chest, I scolded myself, ‘Jesus, this is driving me nuts! Why did I say those words to Yoo Chun Young? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? He and I are already like chalk and cheese, so what’s the point of further explaining the difference between us?’

That was when Yoo Chun Young, who just quietly listened to my story for the whole time, finally opened his mouth.

“… I get that you’re having a hard time with the memories that came back to your mind.”

I couldn’t even take a guess of his words soon-to-follow. Feeling so scared, I quickly cut him off.

“Ah, no, just ignore the things I said today. I’ve been complaining too much, right?”

Disheveling my hair, I continued, “Um, I know that I kept whining about the bad things of my past in which I looked for fault in shaping my personality so negatively. But to think of it again, I’m just blaming my past over and over. In fact, what matters is our attitude––how we accept things. So, in the end, this is who I am; I am my own experiment. Sorry for the crap, argh, I was being so pathetic…”

I laughed exaggeratedly, then tried to get up from my seat as soon as possible, but the glass of orange juice that I didn’t even take a sip of came into my view.

‘I won’t be able to leave this place unless I finish drinking this.’ With that thought in my head, I tried to stretch out my hand to it. That moment, Yoo Chun Young detached his lips again.

“From earlier, I have no idea why you keep talking that way.”

My heart sank. Yoo Chun Young seemed angry. That was what I thought. Although he wasn’t able to understand others’ negative emotions for most of the time, at least, he was considerate enough to let his feelings unrevealed. However, Yoo Chun Young was now refusing to show me his attentive character. It proved that he was now upset.