Chapter 69: Happy Happy Fitness (4) (1/2)
Painful memories of the past were holding onto her ankles, stopping her from reaching for the future. That was Ha Saetbyul’s current situation.
As if she was powerless, her eyes contained no energy.
“Hingi…”
Splash.
Limpily, Ha Saetbyul lay down on top of the table. With her eyes staring past the window at the [Fragment of Paradise] hanging down from the ceiling, she murmured to herself.
“So I thought about it for some time…”
“Yeah.”
“I think I’ll be at ease if I got rid of my memories… I heard there was a superhuman hypnotist that could erase memories for you…”
“…”
“Can you erase people’s memories as well, doctor?”
Slowly, Yu Jitae gave a nod.
“How convenient would it be, to turn everything to nothing.”
“It would be.”
“Un. Since I’m a superhuman, having a blessing related to being an operator, I can find a few decent licences and find a job at the government… Operator is a popular job right. I can find a good workplace and earn enough salary, hih…”
“…”
“And I’m quite cute right…?”
“…”
“Uung?”
She then raised and tilted her head with her two fists on her cheeks. When she received no reaction from Yu Jitae, she laughed ‘hihi’ as if she was embarrassed.
“…Sorry. Ahh! Whyy~~ I was quite popular, you know. There were three teachers in the orphanage, but all the boys liked me the most… people say I look like a rabbit.”
“…”
“I’m 26 years old, so I’m at the peak of my youth right… I want to be a gold digger… so I’ll find a handsome rich man, and marry him. Giving birth is scary but… I should be happy after all that…”
Heaving out a sigh, Ha Saetbyul spoke with a sunken voice.
“But I can’t do that, right?”
“…”
“I shouldn’t do that.”
“…”
“The kids died because of my misjudgment, and they are only living inside my memories now. Hihi… If I forget those kids, then they won’t be remembered by anyone else.”
“…”
“Those kids, will really die then.”
“…”
“Hih… I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose my memories, but it’s hard to live on without forgetting them.”
After driving her head into the desk, she twisted her hair into a mess.
“…”
Seeing how he was still silent, Ha Saetbyul opened her mouth.
“Give me my prescriptions please.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Ehng. I thought you were a doctor…”
Ha Saetbyul wanted to lose her memories, but those shouldn’t be forgotten. And because they couldn’t be forgotten, she had to live on while embracing those memories.
That was why she was asking him this.
“…How am I supposed to live in the future?”
He replied.
“I don’t know.”
“…What. That’s not what a doctor is supposed to say.”
The Regressor gazed into her eyes with a hazy look.
If he wanted to console her, it would be possible albeit awkward.
Even then, you have to live with your two feet firmly on the ground, and you have to live with an atoning heart.
He could’ve also said something conceptual, like how humans were forgetful creatures.
However, he didn’t say that.
He also could’ve created an enemy in her heart to lessen her mental burden:
It was the association’s fault for friendly fire. It was the demons’ fault for waging a war.
It’s the Hostility’s fault for coming from the other side of the Horizon of Providence.
It’s my fault for not saving the world with six regressions.
It’s the era’s fault, for being the way it is.
However, despite all those possibilities, he didn’t say them.
Words that replaced all those possibilities and stuck its head out, were based on his honest opinions that he accumulated throughout his life.
With a dry voice, the Regressor opened his mouth.
“There is no correct answer in life.”
“…Un?”
“How you’re supposed to live is completely up to you. There is no correct answer in life and you shouldn’t seek an answer from someone else.”
In the past, there was a time when he had the exact same thought.
First iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 46. Ranking: 9917.
During the war against the demons, fighting under the Korean banner, the empress of pop culture, Luna who had given a significant musical shock to the entire world while coming out on the top of the billboard, committed suicide, which marked the beginning of the attack of the dragons. Thus came the end of the world.
Second iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 32. Ranking: 847.
He fought against a catastrophe-level demon during the war and lost his lover in the process. After returning to the camp, Yu Jitae couldn’t fight his PTSD and committed suicide, which marked the end of the world’s timeline.
Third iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 45. Ranking: 45.
After 18 years of living in the dungeons with his back turned against the world, while he was half-crazily killing monsters and demons, the actress of the century, Ieyeta G.D. committed suicide and thus started the raid of the dragons which ended the world’s timeline.
Fourth iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 46. Ranking: 3…
…
…
.
The world had discarded him over and over.
If only he could die, he would have.
“If you want to die, you can.”
His words struck Ha Saetbyul’s ears with a thud.
“…What?”
“If there’s nothing worth expecting in your life, it is better to end it right now.”
“…”
To prove his words, Yu Jitae took out a dagger from his internal alternate dimension. Then, he placed it in front of Ha Saetbyul on the desk, as her gaze sank down.
“…”
She picked up the dagger, and touched the blade with her index finger with a blank expression.
“But if you don’t want to die… think of things you can expect.”
The world repeated itself, and he was unable to die. In order to survive, he needed to change his thought process. So what made people live on?
“…Expectation?”
“Yes.”
“…”
Ha Saetbyul wore a dumb expression.
The answer he found was this.
“Expectation drives people’s lives.”
People ate delicious meals with the expectation of a good experience;
And people fasted and exercised with the expectation of a good experience.
People married while having expectations for happy lives;
And people divorced due to having expectations for a happier life.
People lived on due to the expectations of a better future;
And people died due to being unable to have expectations of a better future.
“Is there still something worth expecting for you?”
The sharpened blade cut her finger, as a drop of blood travelled down the blade.
“…I.”
“If there’s even the slightest thing in the world that is worth expecting, you don’t have to die.”
Ha Saetbyul’s hands came to a stop.
“You talked about marrying and having a child. Is that your honest thought? Making a family with a rich and handsome man?”
“…”
“If you’re wishing for a marriage, and are hoping for happiness after giving birth, you don’t have to die in this place right now.”
With a smile, Ha Saetbyul lowered her gaze. Then, after a long time of silence, she carefully opened her mouth.
“The thing about marriage was a joke.”
“…”
“B, but! I still have something worth expecting. But it’s really far.”
“…”
“Maybe it’s way too far. I can’t see it, and I don’t think I can reach it either.”
“…”
“Because I’m small and weak.”
Ha Saetbyul fidgeted with her fingers.
“At the start, I hated the association, and later I hated myself.”
“…”