340 337. Immortality.txt (2/2)

Even in the midst of that scorching heat, the master said to me.

He stretched out his hand to me.

'I am not of this world. I'm just a student called from another world, far, far away. So I want to go home. I want to go home. ...... I don't want to die in this incomprehensible place ....... I don't have a family here!　She's the only one left in the world!　That was scary!　I'm too scared and scared to die alone in a place like this: ......!

The master continued to speak to my mind as it was swallowed up by the madness, and he continued to speak to me to the end.

Truly the world was full of lies.

The world in my eyes was full of lies, and it was always deceiving me.

But finally, the master told me the truth.

--I was told my real name, Aikawa Kanami.

That name gathers my disparate hearts together and connects them together. Most of all, his hands touching me are so cool and comfortable - and I feel so good.

'Oh, I won't let Maria suffer anymore. I won't let Mary's love be a tragic love either. I will be Maria's. And that's the end of all this--

I was burning with madness, and Kanami-san accepted my fire.

Kanami-san held me close, knowing that it was a flame that would only burn anything it touched. She didn't deny it, she didn't get angry, she said it was okay.

I knew that he was too kind and cold, and I loved him.

A love that was only a burning fire became a real 'love'.

Not a lie, but the real 'love'. I lost my family and I thought I would never have that ”love” again.

I was taught that feeling. That's why (...), I love Kanami (・・・・・・・・)--.

-- So (...), I want to help your father (・・・・・・) (・・・・・・).

If your father is suffering, I want to take away his suffering.

If he is about to be consumed by madness, I want to take it gently.

If your father is on the verge of being consumed by madness, I want to take his pain away.

Thanks to Maria's thoughts, I have a little bit of leeway.

As I was loosening my mouth again, I had climbed to the forty-third floor.

Of course, my mind was only distracted for a moment.

Soon the pain and insanity of my body and mind would strike.

It comes to fold its mind in an attempt to annihilate the ego that is me.

The insane pain repeats itself again and I want to throw away the aching part.

I can't bear to tear this belly off right now. I want to throw away this hand, this leg, this arm, this head. I want to get rid of everything and escape the pain.

And I have the physical strength to do it.

I could wring my neck so that my head wouldn't feel the pain of my body any more.

But on the verge of doing so, I rely on the thoughts that have been handed over to me again.

It's a thought I've inherited from Mr. Snow.

The first time 'Snow Walker' was saved by 'Aikawa Uzumi'.

I have memories of the time I was saved by his words, admired his appearance, and was pulled by his hand. So--

-- then you can seriously make that wish come true!　This time, no one, not the Walkers, not the Palinklons, not anyone, will confuse me!　You have to make your own wishes come true, Snow--!

He encouraged me not to give up yet.

In the semi-finals of the ”Dancing Tournament”, I had lost the battle.

The waiting room of the tournament. It was opulent but with one window. I was looking out at the blue sky from the side of my white bed, and I thought it was all over.

But Kanami was angry with me and told me it was not.

No matter how hard it was, no matter how painful it was, she told me to keep going. She denied all my excuses for my habit of running away and told me to live my life as I should.

'There's no such thing as help, that's normal!　I didn't have it either, so that's what happened!

'You can't be seriously happy unless you're serious!　It's not going to be like this forever!　You don't really want Snow to live in fear of the Walkers and live in fear of deception!

I've made many mistakes.

I've made many mistakes and killed my loved ones over and over again.

I tried and tried and tried and tried, but in the end, I was not rewarded. Such a system of the world broke my heart and I lost my identity. This world did not allow the existence of the dragon girl who laughed at me in that village when I was a child.

But now that girl's sins are being forgiven by Kanami.

I will not leave you as a partner, not as a 'hero', but as a partner. I will not leave your side. I'll support you to the end, no matter what kind of interference the Walkers get into. ...... so don't be afraid to fight on your own, Snow. Fight for what you really want.

That it's okay to fail again. And that it's okay to be me. That I never had to give up on my life. He said that, and he forgave me.

So, (...), I'm Kanami (・・・・・・)--

-- So (...), I want to support your father (・・・・・・) (・・・・・・・).

Thank you, I thank Mr. Snow.

Just before I break my own neck, I smile again and walk up the stairs leading to the forty-fourth floor.

But I still want to get rid of the part of me that is still hurting - the suicidal thoughts don't stop.

As long as the pain doesn't stop, death will continue to be sweet.

Suddenly my gaze turns to the distant castle window.

I can't see the sky outside, blocked by the wall of blood in Fafner. So I turned my attention to the atrium near the stairs and stared into its bottomless darkness.

I feel the urge to jump.

If I fell from here, everything would be over.

I would be free of this uncommon pain.

--In the midst of the temptation, I remember one very old feeling.

It was in my earliest memory.

The day I first woke up in the lab of the Demon's Poison, surrounded by a pile of corpses.

Even when the three apostles who created me told me that I was a 'Jewcruise' and told me my mission, I had the urge to jump down.

At that time, my emotions were underdeveloped and confused, but the grown-up me now understands.

I wanted to die that day.

No, to be precise - I thought there was a mistake that I wasn't even born and that I was still alive.

After all, I woke up for the first time and there were no parents around.

No one called my name, not even a word of congratulations.

Instead of asking me to live, I was told that I was a tool to be 'replaced' by a stranger. There was no love there at all.

I refuse to accept such a thing as 'birth'.

So I was empty.

I was so empty, so sad, so pointless, so funny, I wanted to disappear inexplicably, and I wanted to jump out the window of the castle.

I'm sure I was in a lot of pain.

I think my heart was hurting.

I think the days were hard.

I think the world was dark.

I think I was afraid of myself.

Because I was alive and I wasn't--

............!

Was the hierarchy wrong?

I remember that feeling and the suicidal thoughts swell inside me.

My footsteps on the stairs almost stopped. Even now I want to climb over the railing and jump down the stairwell.

Before I do, I put my hands to my chest and remind myself.

I am no longer empty.

I have everyone's thoughts.

Of course, there's more to it than that.

There are also words for me, for me.

There are words that ”Nosfi Foozeyers” had for ”Father” - and I have words for you.

--No, no, Nosfy ....... It's not just because she's my daughter first: ......!　Before that, I'm a nose-fee, and I want to help nose-fee, that's how I feel!

The forty-fifth floor of Hoosier's Castle, in the center of it.

Kanami-sama takes all of my magic, pierces my abdomen with his sword, and rises from the pool of blood he has created with his own blood.

'Nosfi, I've seen ....... I've seen how hard Nosfi has worked. And I've also seen how Nosphy felt when he was born and how he felt when he met me. So--!

No matter how much I wanted to die, no matter how much I tried to act as my worst enemy, no matter how much I tried to claim that I was a bad boy, your father told me that the Nosfi Hoozeyers were not bad.

He put his own life on the line to stop me from just ending it that way.

He moved his dying body and was willing to die - and he was willing to die himself.

'Nosfi, please. This is my last magic, and I want you to grab my hand.

He reached out to me.

This is why I'm okay now.

My thoughts that are not anyone else's - my thoughts.

-- so now it's my turn.

My thoughts helped me to dispel all temptation.

Then I walked through the railing and up to the forty-fifth floor, and glanced sideways - to the great room where I fought with your father.

It's a place with deep memories.

That room has been recreated at the exact same height and with the exact same construction as the room from a thousand years ago.

Perhaps that's why I remember not only the fight with my father this morning, but also the days I spent with him a thousand years ago.

Your father, who lost a disastrous battle against the Apostle Sith, was once in a state of sleepwalking. With that father I ate with him, walked with him in the castle garden, slept in his room with him, and took care of him in many other ways. At the end of it all, I gave my name--.

'How do you like Nosfies?　I think this sounds like a proper person's name. It looks good on you.'

I got the name of a proper person, not Northfield as a role.

I remember getting the word I was expecting from the person I was expecting and I remember being so happy that it brought tears to my eyes. I can vividly remember repeating over and over again how happy and happy I was.

I was really happy.

From that moment on, the word emptiness was no longer a word to me.

My name is Nosfi. As long as I have this name, I will continue to exist in the world as Nosfy. I knew that as long as I had this name, I could live.

When I think about it, I think I was saved a thousand years ago.

Unlike everyone else, ”Nosfy Foozeyers” has been saved twice by ”Father

-- so (...), I want your father to live (・・・・・・・) as well (・・・・・・・), and I want him to live (・・・・・・) very, very strongly (・・・・・・・).

That thought pushes me to leave my room.

Right now I'm at my worst state ever, yet I'm getting closer to my best state ever. With that in mind, I'm heading further up, to the 'summit' of Hoosier's.