331 328. Ever since that day.txt (1/2)

--I kept looking for them, and what I found was my mom and me as a little girl.

The two of us were in a hut.

There was a hole in the roof, rotten wooden planks in the walls, and straw on the ground. The two men were talking to each other in a place that was not nearly inhabited. I'm not a dimensional wizard, but I can see inside as if the walls of the hut are transparent.

'Why, why ......?'

I found out that this is the place where I was born, and I wondered if I was under the spell of the 'past vision' as an example. However, what my body is feeling is more of a displaced (...) sensation, like a ”default” or ”shift”. Have I been shifted in some way?　No, probably not that either. I'm not off, I'm corrected (・・・・). The feeling that the Kanami guy is correcting the wrong thing, not letting me fall, not letting me lose.

In the midst of this confusion, the 'affinity' still continues.

As a result, like a mirror match, I began to see another hut next to mine.

It's a strange hut built of what looks like pure white marble. It is mysterious, like a temple, with furniture I have never seen before. Similarly, the faces of the man and the boy in it can be clearly seen here. I don't recognize them, but I somehow know who they are.

This one is a young Kanami ......?

And Kanami's father ......?

Two sets of parents and their children are together in a ”pair of huts” in a white world where it is impossible to know if it is a dream or reality.

In the dirty hut, I was facing my mother as a child. And my mother, with a smile on her face, wished me to be the best.

By the white hut, I saw him as a child facing my father. And my father, with a grim face, wished him 'the best'.

The same words were spoken to me, back to back, and he and I walked out onto this white plain. The contrast is enough to foreshadow that the story and destiny that follows is also mirrored--and

”'I'm a phantom chasing a phantom'

A boy walking along muttered to himself.

Then the girl walking the opposite way also muttered.

''-- 'I am a phantom chasing a phantom' --'

I knew at once that it was a sentence to compose a life, a 'chant' to invoke the real 'magic (...)', as I was invaded by the 'one who steals the logic of the stars'. And I also understand the meaning of the ”pair of huts” that stand still.

Kanami dares to expose his own memories and try to recall mine.

The boy (Kanami) uses his ”jinsei” as an example to tell me that the girl's ”jinsei” won't end up being a pretty story either. She's scolding you that you killed her and she's not going to allow you to retire like this.

The way she's angry, she also irritates me and reminds me of my mom.

I'm really angry and frustrated with that - but I'm so happy I'm on the verge of tears - and I have no choice but to follow the boy and girl as they walk from behind.

I follow the path I knew from the beginning that I would never reach the goal, just one more time.

I follow the path I knew from the beginning that I would never reach it.

◆◆◆◆◆ ...

--First of all, 'I'.

When I can remember, I was working with my hands in the corner of that hut.

Fiddling with the farm tools as the movements were ingrained in me. Gathering hay with a clawed stick and pouring water from the river in a tub onto the ground. Roughly ten laps back and forth between the river and the hut, then it's time to take care of the livestock. I would feed the animals and scrub their bodies with a hard brush to check each one for any signs of illness.

The process was repeated day in and day out.

We would wake up to the sound of the animals before the sun came up in the morning and sleep like mud as soon as the work was done.

The place is a farming village named Sidore, on the edge of the continent.

Perhaps because of its location, the main religion of Revan is not prevalent, and the village worships indigenous gods and spirits. In that village, there was a mansion of a lord who ruled the entire region. As a young boy I worked there as a servant, and kept myself from starving.

To be honest, compared to the official attendants working in the mansion, it was a harsh environment.

It was obvious that I was being made to work as a disposable tool, but having seen the corpses of children who had frozen after begging, I knew that I was lucky to live this life.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm lucky too.

After all, I had a family that loved me. And for that reason alone, I thought I was better than half the people in this world.

But these days, my mom was working a menial job in a different place than I was.

She lived in a different place than this dirty shack, and although we were family, we rarely saw each other.

But Mama came to see me every cycle of the moon's phases. She never missed a visit because she was worried about me, her daughter.

It was hard to bathe and prep before we met, but it was .......

Still, the day I got to see my mom was always the best day of my life.

Just seeing my mom's smile and hearing her voice was enough to make all the hard work worth it.

'-- my most precious lagne ....... You're doing great today. Great.

Mom: ”Mom: ......

My mom came to meet me at the cabin and I was hugged by her.

All the while, all I have to say are two words.

I whisper a small word and keep getting patted on the head.

I knew that if I tried to say even one word back here, I would not be my sweet mama. Even at a young age, I knew what the word tantrum meant, and I would never say anything extra in front of my mom.

I would be repeatedly abused, denied the fact that I was even her daughter, and I would be treated as a 'non-entity' for free, but I would truly be a 'non-entity' in the true sense of the word.

I wanted to avoid that much, so my response is always the same--

'Lagne, you look a lot like your dad ....... That hair and voice, and those eyes ....... Hmmm, is that smart and hardworking part of you ...... like me?

Unlike my mom, my hair is brown.

As a child, I didn't understand what that meant, but the difference in color was apparently a source of pride to my mom. She would often compare the two colors of my hair and say kind words to me.

So this hair made me proud too.

My mom is really sweet when she tells this story and says these words to me. The dull, dark world that seems to live in a swamp becomes so bright and vivid.

I can see my mom's face clearly, the palms of her hands caressing me are warm and my whole body feels comfortable as if I'm sleeping in the sun at the beginning of the year. ...... It's really great.

'Just hold on a little longer, Ragne ....... Never, ever give up. It's going to be hard, but you'll definitely keep living .......

My mom was the only person in the world who wanted me to live.

She would be on my side for no reason. That's why I loved my mom.

'In just a few minutes, we'll get back to living the life we deserve: ....... This isn't going to end for us. It's never going to end. ......--

A decent life.

Mama often talks about this too.

She says that she is not the kind of person to be a maidservant in a place like this, but she deserves to be a lady in a bigger house.

I am a child and I can't fully understand it, but she said she was actually born of noble birth.

She only talks about being driven out of her house by some conspiracy of mean people, when she is alone with me.

'Lagne, here it is: ....... Soon, you'll be on your way .......

With that, Mom hugs me tightly, the corners of her mouth lifting up.

I would soon learn the reason for her words and smile.

-- After this day, the number of maidservants working in this lord's mansion is gradually decreasing.

It could be an unforeseen accident, an unexplained illness and death, or dismissal due to strained relationships.

I respected Mama from the bottom of my heart for her diverse and lean handiwork.

All of them were methods that took a long time and left no evidence. It was a perfect plan that only I, as her daughter, could see through. Watching that fine mother's back, I learned, ”Oh, this is how you do it,” and I grew up a little more.

And by the time six months had passed, the mansion was severely understaffed, and in a very natural way, my mom and I were welcomed into the mansion as the official housekeeper.

I did as I was told, cleaned myself up, and was taken into the mansion and put on my maidservant's clothes.

According to the chamberlain who handed me the clothes, they were a hand-me-down from my predecessor. My predecessor was about the same height as me, and I had heard that he had died in a tragic accident a few days earlier. I also heard that his mother, who worked with the girl, died with him--

Apparently, my mom and I would be filling in for that mother and daughter.

When I heard about it, I hurriedly made my way to the cemetery on the perimeter of the mansion before the real work began.

I frantically searched for the names of the mother and daughter of my predecessor.

But I couldn't find it.

Was he not of sufficient status to have his name engraved on a gravestone?

I had no choice but to hold my hand in the appropriate place.

As a sort of handover greeting, I prayed to the mother and daughter who would be buried there.

'-- Stop the nonsense, Ragne. There's no one there.

I'm blamed.

Before I knew it, my mom was standing behind me. Like me, she was wearing her new samurai uniform and staring at the cemetery with a resolute expression on her face.

'Muimi......?　There's no one here ......?

Yes, he's gone. When they die, it's over. No soul, no nothing, just the end. So there's no point in praying here.

If I die, it's the end, my mom told me coldly.

However, I am nowhere near as cold as Mama.

Ever since I put on this samurai uniform, I've had mixed emotions swirling in my chest. The mothers and daughters who sleep here were undoubtedly victims of me and Mama. Distantly, but they were killed.

I could have stopped my mom if I wanted to. But I didn't.

The stagnation continues to swirl in my chest.

Mama sees through my inner thoughts and continues to speak.

'Lagne, this is the reason for living in this world ....... They died for one reason. Because we were better than them. So don't feel guilty about it.

'What's the difference in living in the world ......?　So it's no wonder people are dying: ......?

'You're smart enough to know that, aren't you, Ragne?　We, the excellent ones, took all of these girls in their entirety. That's why I'm wearing these beautiful clothes like this. It would be rather insulting to pray to these girls here.

I know what you mean, Mom.

This world was designed by nature to be taken away from us. I know that.

So the person who has been taken away should at least live a resolute life for the one who has been taken away. To kill them and then think, ”No, maybe I don't need to kill them” is an act that undermines the value of the life of the dead mother and daughter.

It's a bit harsh, but it's a realistic way of thinking. I also understand intuitively that this is what makes us stronger as people. So I nodded, letting go of everything swirling around in my chest.

'...... Yeah, I get it. Mom.

Good girl ....... Quintessential, my daughter. ......

Mom patted my head as I grew another one, and hugged me.

Thus, after sufficiently confirming the mother-daughter bond, the two of us held hands and left the cemetery with sunny faces.

-- Our mother and daughter began to live in the mansion.

To be honest, perhaps thanks to starting from the bottom, the new maidservant's job was not hard.

Even if the cleaning and other self-serving tasks are different, there is no hardship, thanks to the kindness and care with which the seniors teach you. If you don't sleep and practice repeatedly, the skills are ingrained in you by the next day. What might be called hard work is much milder than my old job. I even had time to help my workmates with the extra time I had.

Things were generally going well.

If you have someone to set a good example for, all you have to do is imitate them, it's very easy. I didn't stumble over any new language or etiquette. There were other new samurai besides me, but I think I was as good as any of them. There was not one person like me who could imitate me after just one look.

She served with great distinction as a mama's daughter.

The next time I see her, she'll be able to pat me on the head again.

When I thought of that future, my mouth naturally broke into a smile.

But in reality, it's a different story.

A month has passed since I started living in the mansion, and the customary time for just the two of us has come. That's when I was scolded by the first voice.

''--Lagne, what are you doing?''

What ......?

'My clever Ragne would understand, wouldn't you?　You can't just work the same way you did before, okay?　I've told you before that this is where we come in.

”Go to ......, but more importantly, Mom!　I'm the hardest working man you'll ever meet.　You all thanked me for that, too--

So what?　Does that change things?　Will our value change?　Can't my daughter understand that?

-Oh!

Instead of being stroked, I sensed a hint of a tantrum that had been going off for a while now.

Immediately I spun my thoughts into a fast spin and read what Mom was trying to say.

The expression on her face - the movement between her eyebrows and eyes, the change in color of her cheeks, the thirstiness of her lips - unravels what she's angry about and what she wants, and I respond.

'I know, Mom. ....... If you're just being grateful, that means you're just being used .......

This is another lesson that is a bit harsh, but I can see that it's not wrong.

Being taken advantage of doesn't get us anywhere. If we gain nothing, there is nothing to accumulate. It will take a lifetime to get to the top.

I'm going to learn one more basic principle of the world of example and I'm going to recreate the values in my head. To keep up with my mom, we'll build our priorities together.

'...... That's right, Lagne. We'll be on the side of use, not the one being used. And let's climb up to 'first' here. It will make you happy.

The ”best” .......

It probably doesn't mean the hardest working person.

Perhaps be the most valuable maid of honor, Mom says.

Worthy is a vague word, but it was something that we mothers and daughters could communicate with each other.